Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Nonsense’

New York – Meadowbrook State Parkway between Zeckendorf Boulevard (#M2) and Stewart Avenue (#M3)  – accident blocking the right lane.
Sadly this means we will not be able to attend the lecture “Aubergines – Why?” By Professor David Dipping-Sauce, Professor of Vegetables, Soft Fruits and Flans, at The University of Delaware.
Instead we will visit the recently opened World of Leather Sofa Superstore on the Chippenham Road, Swindon to buy a new leather backed corner piece for the front room, reduced to £25.60 from £12,568.78.
A real bargain!

Read Full Post »

Hello Folks,

Oily George has proved very popular! His no nonsense advice and knowledge of erotica make him the ideal adviser on all things aesthetic, prosthetic or pneumatic.

He is between tanning sessions at the moment and so has the time to answer some more of your pressing beauty questions.

If You Want To Get Ahead Get A Hat

Oily,

I have recently bought a nice new bobble hat. The bobble is a thing of rare beauty. But can you help me?

Do I wear the bobble atop me head or do I wear the bobble on the rear of my bonce. This bobble wobble is causing me angst.

Wilton, Braintree

Oily Replies;

Hi there Wilty,

I can’t believe there are those who actually wear bobble hats in public. In private it is understandable. On my fun nights in I often wear a nun’s outfit  (watch out for my upcoming docu/drama Wimper in a Wimple to find out more)  However I would never wear it in public. The shame in being seen in black here in the Plastic State would be too much to bear. Plus it ain’t conducive to topping up on the old tan. So really Wilton I’d leave the bobble at home. Go for the fedora. Classy. Smoooth.

Oily

Blood Simple

Dear Oily

Recently I went on holiday. Whilst on the Road to Nowhere I was queuing up at the security checkpoint when I noticed that the lady in front of me was suffering from a bad dose of extenuating circumstances. Have you any advice for the next time this happens to my wife?

Charley Husker-Du, Happysville

Oily Replies

Dear Charley,

In the Careful-There’s-A-Childs-Bike-Outside market that I cater for, this very problem is one that frequently causes us to run over budget as many of our actresses suffer from the same problem. Best bet? Go to the Chemist’s and buy some blood (or black pudding) – and spread liberally on the scalp of your dear wife.

No Charles not on her boobs – what do you take me for, some sort of low rent Winneresque pervert? Just her scalp. Leave for 10 minutes. Then lick it off. Slowly. It will work trust me. My actresses were eternally grateful that I did this for them but hey I take the employer/employee relationship to heart. Collapsing and getting my stomach pumped was a small price to pay for my girls health and well being.

Yours,

Ever Giving

Oily

Read Full Post »

Details have emerged recently that Our Kate may be part of the ultra secret Ginger Ninja Cobra Kingfisher Singh Viper Assassination Hit Squad (Sponsored by American Express).

A Radiant Princess

The shadowy outfit have been linked to the deaths of among others, Saddam Hussein, Colonel Gaddafi, Osama Bin Laden, Charlie Sheen’s career and are also believed to have been behind the shooting of JR Ewing and Bambi’s mum.

Is This Kate As A Ginger Ninja?

Kate, who recently collected flowers from children using both hands, has been secretly training with the secretive squad in secret in a secret place near Berlin.

As we pointed out a month or so ago, Kate has also undertaken some rather nifty genetic engineering to improve the performance of Sea Horses. We believe these animals form the infamous Sea Horse Death Viperhead Squadron. Deadly when offered a carrot or sugar lump.

The Sea Horse Death Viperhead Squadron In Action

To further confuse their targets the ninjas hum songs from the classic musical Oliver, with “Food! Glorious Food!” having a remarkable 89% hit rate.

Colonel Idris Deckchair, former commander of the black Ops outfit commented, “It wouldn’t surprise me. I once saw Kate talk to poor people at a community centre in Melbourne. She showed no fear talking to these people. If she can do that, she can do anything.” He then tried to throttle Gfb’s reporter before turning into a tea towel and making good his escape.

As the photo below shows, Kate is a master of disguise. Who would have thought!

Kill Bill?

Read Full Post »

Following the great interest shown in the recent article surrounding the boxing matches of the early 1970’s, between Ali, Foreman and Frazier, gfb’s research team has been hard at work investigating the rumours surrounding one of the greatest tennis matches of all time. This is what we found……

Borg v McEnroe 1980

The greatest Wimbledon final Bjorn Borg against John McEnroe. A titanic struggle of playing styles and personality.

Borg. The Ice Man. He had Ice running through his veins he was that icy. He was Swedish.

McEnroe, The brat. Obnoxious. He had Obnoxion running through his veins, he was that obnoxious. He was American.

They also clashed over the correct form of fowl to wear on their bonces whilst playing. Borg – old school – happy to play with a roast chicken nestling in his luxurious blond Swedish locks. McEnroe, ever the punk, played with an egg nestling precariously in his dandruff ridden, split end affected perm.

Both wore headbands. Was this significant? No.

YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!

Who would come first? The chicken or the egg? The chicken did.

An age old conunununununudrum resolved on a lawn in South West London in 1980.

As Borg recalled in his autobiography, Bally, Bally, Bouncey, Bouncey, Boing, Boing Boing.

“I hit the ball over the net one more time than he. And so I won. More meat balls anyone? ”

Says it all really.

Read Full Post »

Chickens in Sport

The Chicken has played a central role in most civilisations. Be it as a source of protein or solace on a long winter’s night, their cockle doodle can do enthusiasm is a source of empowerment for many of us.

Gingerfightback wanted to delve deeper into the mythical bond between man and chicken. Here for the first time we can bring you the seminal role the Chicken has played in great sporting moments.

Mohammad Ali, Joe Frazier and George Foreman

Ali And His Failed Headgear

Regular readers of gfb will already be aware of Ali’s failed efforts to make chicken hats fashionable in the mid 1960’s. A lesser known fact is that when Ali fought Smokin’ Joe Frazier in the legendary Thrilla in Manila, Frazier in an attempt to goad Ali, had strapped a freshly roasted chicken to his head for the fight. The bobbin’ carcass infuriated Ali to such an extent that the self-styled Greatest took harsh revenge in round 8 with a furious assault of punches that were it not for the chin strap, would have seen the first orbit of the earth by a roast chicken.

Thank Goodness For The Chinstrap!

Upon seeing the demolition of Frazier and his Chicken, George Foreman had second thoughts about a rematch of the Rumble in The Jungle. The fight which would have been known as the Barbecue in Timbuktu instead afforded Foreman the idea of his now famous Low Fat Grill. As Foreman said at the time “There was no way I was going to take a lickin, so decided instead to grill my chicken.”

Low Fat Protective Headgear

The rest as they say is history.

Read Full Post »

 Whatever Happened To……Jim Bowen!

Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary comedian, game show host and meat pie enthusiast, Jim “Look At What You Could Have Won” Bowen has developed a new career as a limbo dancer.

You Can’t Beat a Bit Of Bully!

Jim Bowen Limboin’ can be seen this winter at Southport Alhambra where his rubbery frame gets him into all kind of comedic scrapes! He will be assisted by Bruce Forsyth’s syrup.

Super smashin’ grayte.

Don’t delay! Tickets are selling like hot cakes!

Val Doonican – Closet Ginger and Chicken Lover

Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary light entertainer, crooner and model ship enthusiast, Val “The Beast” Doonican has a torrid private life involving all manner of gingerish goings on coupled with a passion for roast chicken.

As the image below reveals Doonican (real name Dal Voonican) has spent much of his private life cavorting with a ginger wig atop his ol’ Oirish bonce whilst proudly displaying his love for a roast chicken or two.

Saturday Nights Just Aren't The Same - THANK GOD!

Indeed, gfb can further reveal that if you play his seminal hit “ McGinty’s Donkey Nicked Me Shillelagh and Married a Leprechaun Begorrah” backwards the vocals translate to “I like wearing a ginger syrup when I’m sitting on me rocking toilet and fondling me tiny cluckers”. Proof conclusive that Val was indeed bizarre.

Val, shortly to go on tour in Bacon and Cabbage ON ICE! Told gfb;

“Begorrah, to be sure, to be sure, a pint o’ the black stuff! Dat’s me Katie little lady and I love her. Paddy McCarty Sold Me Wife Into Slavery diddle –e – dee”.

So that clears that up then.

Chicken Hats – They Never Caught On

He may have been the greatest boxer the world has ever seen, but we can’t help but think that Mohammad Ali’s idea of natty head gear leaves a little bit to be desired.

Ali was paid a handsome sum by Dixie Tixy Pixie Wicksy Southern Fried Chicken in 1964 to promote Chicken Hats as the natural alternative to cloth based head gear. Sadly the idea did not catch on (although a few Chicken Hats were sold in Guatemala).

Due A Comeback?

The rest they say is history, Ali converted to Islam, refused the Vietnam call up and beat George “Healthy Cook Grill” Foreman in the Rumble in the Jungle.

It is just a shame that the pair could not get together before this and team up the chicken hat and healthy cook grill. A healthily cooked chicken on the head would be both a nutritious emergency snack whilst keeping the head warm in winter. Win win.

Lovely

Today Is World Walnut Whip Day!

“I love Walnut Whips,” cooed Nelson from his new home in Torquay, Devon, “Chocolate, fondant and a walnut on top, what is there not to like? And you can balance them on your head because of the flat base. I had to hide them up my back passage on Robben Island though.  You can only imagine the trouble that caused me!”

GFB wanted to celebrate Mandela’s love of the Walnut Whip and so on WWWD, we commissioned our own poet laureate Gingerella to prepare a short ditty on the topics of Walnut Whips and  Nelson Mandela.

Enjoy!

Mandela and The Whip

On the head my son.

If you want some fun you’d use a current bun

And then sit down for tea

What kinda fella would be that fella to use a walnut whip

On the tip of his noble head?

Why what a hero he must be,

To be the fella that doesn’t use an umbrella

When the sky is falling in.

When his country crumbled he didn’t fumble

He reached for a walnut whip

That Noble Fella was Nelson Mandela

A prince of the African plane

He fought out of the shade of the burning sun

With a brim of walnuts and a cusp of chocolate

Victory, but as to the use of the walnut whip

Keep it under your ‘at my son.

Einstein, E and Substance Abuse – A Shocking Gingerfightback Expose!

 

He may have been a boffin type clever dick, but there was an altogether darker side to Albert Einstein.  Whilst he was prattling on about gravity, light and space, Alby developed a fetish for vol au vents.

 

As his biographer Pericard Slippery-Slope explained, “He was convinced that party snacks could unlock the mysteries of the universe. Sausage Rolls, Mini Kiev’s, Canapés, Pretzels and Samosa’s all proved to be false dawns in his research.”

 

That's Why Physicists Shop At Iceland

Slippery-Slope chomped on a mini-spring roll as he continued, “Einstein’s theories about light bending under the power of gravity actually appeared to him when he was eating a vol au vent at a reception for the famous Music Hall star, Arthur Bitter. It was the elliptical shape of the vol au vent he was gnawing on. It was the final piece of the theoretical jigsaw he had struggled so long to find.”

 

Gingerfightback can also reveal that Einstein also pioneered the rave scene.  The picture below shows Alby at a rave at a warehouse in the Kings Cross area of London in the late 1980’s, dropping a tablet commonly known as E.

 

Afraid that his boffinish image would cause problems with the girlies, Einstein also undertook DJ’ing duties at a number of these bashes under the Nome de Plume, MC Relativti and enthusiastically played a wide variety of big beat numbers to get the house a jumpin’ and allow da kids to groove big time.

 

E's are good E's are good.......

It is no surprise then that his great Theory of Relativity reads;

 

E = MC(Squared)

Further evidence can be revealed in his 1992 hit single “Truble Wid Me Relly” in which he raps,

 

“All round me crib I is struggling with Depravity

Ma homies don’t treat me with sufficient Gravity

I’ll shoot dem up ‘cos of all their negativity

Mess wid Albie E, I ain’t got no proper sense of Relativity

So when I think my manor is treated with opprobrium

I’ll mess you up with a space time continuum”

 

Who’d have thought?

Picasso and Fish Fingers

Pablo Picasso was a great painter. Despite an inability to draw feet or hands. GFB would rank him on a par with Rolf Harris.

Many have pondered why he was so great. How did such genius erupt from his brush each time he stroked his canvas? New research conducted by hoity toity arty type Stephanie Steep-Slope has revealed that Picasso had an addiction to smoking Fish Fingers.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

The astonishing discovery was made by Steep-Slope when reading Picasso’s 1976 Christmas Paint By Numbers Annual (which also featured a wonderful pop up Guernica).  The key passage is as follows;

“Yo soy arte. El arte soy yo. Mi secreto? Pues, Pescado. Mucho Pescado. Hasta el punto cuando lo fumo- bonitos cigarrillos hecho de bacalao revuelto. Claro que son muy difíciles a encender, pero muy gratificante. Una vez estrenaba pintar con una caballa. Un gran avance por el mundo del arte. Pescado.

Por desgracia se cayó del lienzo. Mi amante de estos días lo clavado de nuevo y lo vendió por $100,000. Llame ‘Pescado sujetado con clavos’.  

De verdad tengo que luchar por mi arte. Pero seguramente este es el precio de ser un genio, no? Desde Lugo. Tengo que ir me, Los Waltons es en la tele. Nunca perdió un episodio. Mi gusta tanto el culo del madre. Buenos noches John Boy.”

As Steep-Slope told GFB from her loft apartment in Norwich “This doesn’t really explain anything to be honest. ” When GFB pointed out that the paint by numbers element of the Annual’s title may yield a clue as to Picasso’s methodology, Steep-Slope muttered “Philistine” and slammed the phone down.

So not only a love of Cubist minimalism but also an oral abuser of the handiwork of Cap’n  Birdseye!

Who’d have thought?

Ghandi, Scotch Eggs and the fall of the British Empire! At Last! The! TRUTH!!!!!

He may have been a speccy bandy legged slaphead, but boy oh boy did Mahatma Ghandi give the British Empire a good lickin’. But, in a new book, to be serialised in Gibber Monthly, author Miranda Savoury-Snack sheds new light on Ghandi’s methodologies and his devotion, nay slave like worship of the picnic snacker’s favourite hand held source of meat and egg in a lovely crumb based coating, the Scotch Egg.

The book entitled “On me Egg Son – Ghandi, Scotch Eggs and Pacifism”, Savoury- Snack outlines the role of the Scotch Egg in dismantling the Raj.  She told Gingerfightback, “He loved a Scotch Egg, did Mahatma.  Sometimes he would eat four or five a day. Bound his bowels something rotten and terrible gas too. It partially explains the bandy legs, sleeping outdoors and loose fitting garb. Must have been a lot of seepage from him. Poor lad. No wonder he was celibate. But on the plus side negotiations around Indian Independence were concluded rapidly. ”

Crumbs!

There has been a lot of conjecture in India that if Ghandi had developed a passion for say the sausage roll instead of the Scotch Egg, world history would be very, very different today. That has certainly given Gingerfightback something to ponder.

"He's Got Scotch Egg Eyes" (Apologies to Kim Carnes)

What Gandhi  really said;

“Be the Scotch Egg you want to see in the world.”

“Nobody can hurt me without my Scotch Egg.”

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Scotch Eggs. Your Scotch Eggs are so unlike your Christ.”

“Honestly, you wait all day for a Scotch Egg to turn up and then three come along at once.”

“Is that a Scotch Egg in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?”

“You don’t have to be a Scotch Egg to work here, but it helps.”

“Some people are on the pitch…..they think it’s a Scotch Egg!…..it is now!”

Pope in Pork Pie Predicament
Pope Anschluss XVI has issued a papal edict “Orbito et Nunc Postulare Jumbo Sausage” which is ordering Bishops to replace their mitres with the meat pies. The Pope, who can’t get enough of meat based savoury snacks has apparently received word from “him upstairs” (that’s right Simon Cowell) that religious leaders wearing meat based products on their bonces will have the crowds flocking back.
We are not so sure……

Pope Pie-us?

Did Leonardo Da Vinci Invent The Yorkshire Pudding?
He was a very clever man. Some say he was years ahead of his time. We would not demur from that fact.   We have discovered previously unseen sketches of the earliest known representation of the Yorkshire Pudding! Is this his greatest work? You decide!

Todo ino theo holeo?

But, being a genius he realised that the hat design needed improvements and came up with this little beauty.

Never wear a Yorkshire Pudding without a chinstrap folks

Further developments led to the inspiration for a hat worn by a pointless Royal at the recent happy event. We think it is tasteful and of course if you are feeling a little peckish – something to nibble on. Stylish, practical and nutritious – what more could a Reneaissance genius want?

Sepp Batter

But cooler than Steve McQueen?

Thank Heavens For Chinstraps

Read Full Post »