Posts Tagged ‘Motoring’

Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty;

Several days ago I discovered that my man was cheating on me with a foot pump. Ever since I have felt very deflated.

Is there anything I can do?

Wendy, Bolton

Dear Wendy,

Men are creatures of habit and it may well be that you haven’t been paying him full attention, hence his preoccupation with matters of the motoring kind.

If he’s feeling under pressure at work or home he needs a release valve and seems to have found it in the boot of his car. Tread carefully but you need to get to the hub of the problem before it escalates. Perhaps he’s tired of the domestic routine although it’s too early to gauge.

Without wishing to put a spanner in the works I suggest that if you spoke to him about your concerns he may well realise the error of his ways and realise he has been acting a bit nuts. With a little effort you may be able to repair this relationship without puncturing his hopes for the future.

Just be thankful it’s a foot pump and not one of the flash ones down the local petrol station. Although you have to pay to use them, the hoses are so much longer and once it gets going the vibration is something else!



Read Full Post »

The Government has identified the cause of it recent problems. Arthur Scargill.

The Greatest EVER Ginger Comb Over

It has come to light that veteran socialist firebrand Scargill and his cronies have established the ultra hard left Union of Meat Based Snacks Served At Room Temperature and Panic Fuel Buyers (Marxist/Leninist).

Their evil lair is in Barnsley, Yorkshire, Up North. Therefore they don’t count and are probably Communist.

For years Scargill wore with pride a shredded wheat on his head and is once again Public Enemy # 1.

“The PM is livid,” a Government source said, “Scargill and his Trot mates are seeking to overthrow British Parliamentary Democracy by cunningly getting people to eat luke warm pies and to top up their tanks in a dangerously left wing fashion. It is just like the Miners strike all over again.”

When asked if it was really due to an arrogant, incompetent, shallow, vainglorious bunch of multi-millionaires who cannot connect with anyone worth less than 20 million, Gfb’s reporter was belittled in Latin, debagged and forced to fag for a few days at Eton College.

Cameron refuses to be a Pasty Patsy and had ordered compulsory Morris Dancing up and down the streets of Britain to remind us of the good old days.

“That should deflect all this aggro over tax cuts for the richest 1 per cent. We know the peasants enjoy a dance or two,” Chancellor and Charlie Corrolli enthusiast, George Osborne mumbled before stepping into a bucket of wallpaper paste.

Marjorie Shingle-Beach, lead shin of the Padstow Prancers recommends, The Melksham Belly Belch, The Twyford Bell Ring Tinkle and The Bradford Bladder Bop for beginners. Foldy Diddle Lido!

Already, Pensions minister Ian Duncan Spliff has taken the message to heart. “Yeah Maan, me ‘anging out in me Chingfoord compound, kickin’ back and smokin’ some GANJA! Always taut old Artur could weave some serious dreads from de hold comb ova. Jus got to nip ova to Greggs and phurchase me some nice ot patties and hobtain some king size Rizla’s from 7 11. Runnin’ low y’get me? Respeck. Den me play accorjun for me haudience. Rastafari Morris man is I. Hey Nonny Nonny, Kingston Jammin’.”

The Government will also be announcing in the next few weeks;

• Immigrants eat babies

• Our young are feckless indigents and will be flogged every other Wednesday

• Argentina is planning to invade the Scilly Isles

• The Unemployed are all scroungers and will be flogged every other Thursday

• The EU want to take all our babies from us

• Rupert Murdoch is great and they are sorry for upsetting him

Read Full Post »