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The price of travel these days can be prohibitively expensive.

Yesterday, one of my kidneys fell out of my back passage when I was informed of the  cost of a single train journey between Glasgow and London.

But as the fates would have it – who was on hand to help me reconfigure me innards? It was none other than Contour D. Tour, a man who knows how to Globetrot on the cheap.

“Fine kidney you’ve got there Fightback – sold one of mine in India to buy a Honda Goldwing. Crashed the damn thing outside Mumbai. But, if you run out of cash body parts always fetch a tidy sum.”

He thrust a copy of his book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – in my hand. It is a short volume that recounts a number of his free adventures around the world.

Here, we abridge his recent journey to Chile.  You may find some of the methods useful when planning your next family holiday.

Day 1 – London Paddington – Board the Plymouth train early and ticketless. Locked myself in a toilet. Hang an Out of Order sign on the door. If anybody knocked I made out I was Voodoo. Soon scared ’em off.

Day 1 – Plymouth Docks – Smuggled myself onto a Mackerel fishing boat. Plymouth has a great maritime history Drake, Pilgrim Fathers, Columbus, Kontiki, St Patrick, Britney Spears and the Canoeists from the opening credits of Hawaii 5-0 have all sailed from here.

Day 2 English Channel – As a stowaway on a Mackerel ketch there is not much to do.  I while away the time singing a few Shantys. Airs such as “There’s A Maiden With Scurvy Waitin’ For Me In Nantucket”, “Break Out The Grog For Johnny’s Tinkle” and “I’m Not Chesty Nancy Just Got A Touch O’Consumption”, ease the passage of time.

Day 4 – Bay of Biscay – Jump ship. I bobbed in the Bay for a day or two.  A Portuguese man-o’-war kept me company. Friendly little thing. Word of advice though. Don’t stroke one! I refuse offers of rescue from several passing cargo ships and a slightly camp Armenian gun smuggler – for South America is my destination!

Day 5/6/7 – Still bobbing in the Bay.

A Great Place To Bob

Day 8 – Finally picked up! The SS Abomination sails under the flag of Liberia and is steaming toward Montevideo with a cargo of head lice to be sold at auction. The Captain (a Breton bereft of eyebrows with a deep attachment to the music of Barry White) invites me to honour the Walrus of Love each night. Happy to oblige as I too am a fan.

Day 17 – Arrive Montevideo – itching to buggery and shorn of all hair. Quarantined for two weeks whilst the lice debacle is resolved. Locals hurl tins of corned beef at us. We hurl nit combs. I shout “Graf Spee” at them – that settles their collaborating hash!

Day 31 – Find out that Uruguayans have no immunity to head lice – half the population wiped out within 72 hours. I jump into the River Plate and bob in the briny waiting for a friendly Argentinean steam packet to carry me to shore.

Scratch!

Day 32 – Picked up by Argentinean tea towel smuggler Osvaldo Kempes who once inadvertently sniffed Diego Maradona’s crotch. Nice man Osvaldo – he gave me food and shelter; I gave him nits and a fine toothed comb.

Day 33 – Buenos Aires Central Station – There are no trains to Santiago. Damn. Seek out Bus Station. Find bus bound for Santiago.  Disguise myself as a luggage rack.

A True Red!

Day 35 Chilean Border – The Chilean Border Guards are suspicious of my claims to be a luggage rack. They describe me as “El Scabby” or even more worryingly “El Leper”. To assuage their concerns I play them “Elvis – The Pan Pipe Years” from my trusty IPod. “Return To Sender” goes down a storm. I gift the IPod to them! As simple peasants they are grateful for any gift from a white man!

They wave me through, with hugs and pats on the back. I look back to see them in the earliest stages of scalp mange.

Day 36. Thank heavens Chile is, in geographical terms, anorexic. I have arrived!

Price Comparison – YOU DECIDE!

London Heathrow – Santiago

British Airways – £920 (including taxes)

Time – 22 hours 50 minutes

Tight Fisted Traveller

Free (including taxes)

Time – 864 hours 17 minutes

We think you will agree that TFT’s approach is a bargain!

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There was amazement in Parliament today, when it was discovered that PM David Cameron and his Deputy, Nick Thingy are actually a pair of testicles.

These revealing shots were passed to Gfb by our brave reporter Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s jowl wobbling to the Leveson Enquiry in London.

Murdoch was heard to say, “Strewth cobber! These budgie smugglers are a tad tight on my knackers. How ya doing down their boys? What’s on Sky tonight?”

For the first time in nearly 50 years, nary a British politician did answer a Murdoch question.

They're In It Together!

Even more surprising was the revelation that Opposition Leader Ed Minibellend has allowed himself to become Murdoch’s penis and is seeking ways prevent the Aussie Press Baron, recently voted “The World’s Most Misunderstood Demagogue” from taking the piss out of him too!

What a way to run a country!

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us!

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We all know that the cost of travelling can be prohibitively expensive. Gfb has turned to ace traveller Contour D.Tour for help.

His book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – rumours abound that Clooney has bought an option – provides the price sensitive wanderer with a myriad of ways to travel for free.

Here, we abridge his journey from London to Kazakhstan. We hope you find some useful tips for the family holiday.

Day 1 – London Victoria – Board the Dover train early – hide in the luggage rack – eat soap and begin to foam at mouth. Rabies will keep ’em at bay. Soon able to construct a soap bubble model of the Wills and Kate.

Day 1 – Dover Docks – Steal pedillo from nearby boating lake.  To France!

Day 1 – France – Sneak onto lorry carrying homesick tulips bound for Holland.

Day 2 – Holland – Bury myself in carrot field. Befriend a mole.

A Carrot Field

A Carrot Field

Day 56 – Holland – Harvested – tossed into lorry and driven to Polish carrot processing factory. Tinned and packed.

Day 57 – Poland – Give Spinster living in town of Zzzzzzskbrgw a shock when I pop out of her tin of baby carrots. Steal her Pope John Paul II replica kit – offered lift to Ukraine by Zzzzzzskbrgw’s open topped tour bus company in return for pretending to be former Pontiff for two days. Contract prostrate trouble from all that lying down and kissing tarmac.

Day 61 – Ukraine – Steal accordion from one armed busker – Cossack dance my way across the Steppes playing classic folk song, Kalinka as I do so. My latent buttock strength proves a Godsend.

Day 62/3/4/5 – Ukraine – Still Cossacking and Kalinkaing – Pity I don’t know any other songs.

Day 66 – Ukraine – Arrive in Chernobyl – immediately grow third ear and a sundial on right knee.

Day 69 – Ukraine – Hide in accordion and wait to be picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast. Third ear comes in handy. Sundial doesn’t.

Day 135 – Ukraine – The accordion appears to have lost its cache amongst the Slavic peoples. Shame.

Day 136 – Ukraine -Finally picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast, Anatoly Gazpachiov – starts to play me. Bloody Kalinka again. Followed by “If I Were A Rich Man,” Hurrah a new tune!

Day 139 – Russian border – Anatoly loses eye after formaldehyde binge drinking session. Sells accordion to Dmitri Tarpaulin, owner of “”Dissident World” – the leading forced labour theme park in the world.

Day 141 – Russia – I am set to work as a Boris Yeltsin look-alike on Dissident World’s ghost train, the Gulag Ghouler.

Day 145 – Russia – Steal Ghost train and make a dash for Kazak border – at 3 mph – chased by a mob of dwarf Stalin’s, Lenin’s, Brezhnev’s, Castro’s and Honnecker’s in spare train.

Day 212 – Reach Kazakhstan – Cross the border – the Titchy Trot heroes of socialist revolution wave their tiny fists at me in anger.

Kazakhstan – Big place. Hello! Is there anybody here? Tatar appears on horse.

PRICE COMPARISON

British Midland International

London Heathrow to Astana, Kazakhstan.

Price £349

Time; 7 Hours 15 Minutes

Tightfisted Traveller

London to Kazak Border

Price; Free!

Time 5,088 Hours

YOU DECIDE!

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