World Cup Update – The Sausage Of Doom – Ginger Sooty Reports

 

Ginger Sooty filed this from Copacabananananana Beach last night.

Hello,

The Sausage of Destiny with Big Phil

 

As you will know Brazil are out!

Their coach “Big” Phil  blames the magical sausage he put so much faith in pre-tournament.

Nothing to do with the fact that the team spent their time wailing and gnashing their teeth like a cult of poorly coiffured neurotic evangelical Christians who thought the direct route to God could be achieved by kicking the shite out of their opponents.

David Luiz, their louche centre back even prayed to Big Phil’s banger of destiny – to no avail .

Such is the shock in Brazil that yesterday temperatures rose by 2 degrees Celsius in central Rio de Janeiro as the city’s populace becalmed their buttocks in shock at the thrashing handed out by the Raiders from the Rhine. Sashaying will resume Sunday by Government decree.

The football has become increasingly sterile and apart from the collapse of Brazil against the Teutonic Titans nothing of any merit has occurred.

Even that cheating, diving bashtard Arjen Robben of the Netherlandsh couldn’t enliven the bore fesht that was der shemi final with Argnteenar. There were hopesh he would replicate der now infamoush “I tripped ova der Mexican’sh shaushage to earn der penlti,” incident.

Sadly not and the Argentinians went through.

Pope Argie celebrated by blessing his fence.

Other Things You May Have Missed

The Costa Rica team have been offered free Trans Gender surgery as a gift from a grateful nation for reaching the quarter finals. As yet none of the players have taken up this offer.

Chile forward Sancho Pancho Poncho Panpipe Parper was awarded a special medal by FIFA for over coming a dry scalp during the match against Brazil.

Pogues legend Shane  McGowan announced his retirement from international football.

Gollum has announced his retirement from international football.

Benedict Cumberbatch announced he would be available for selection for England once again after patching up things with England manager Roy “Watson” Hodgson. Benedict told Gfb, “I need to play off the main striker and not wide left. That way the lads’ll get the best out of me.”

Enjoy the World Cup – nearly finished

 

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More Filthy Sea Shantys! – With Hermione Moist

Hello,

Grandpa Fightback swore that a good Shanty a day kept the hemorrhoids at bay. He lived to 105 and was never afflicted by the Chalfont Saint Giles.

GFB’s Folk and ancient lore expert Hermione Moist, rummaged in her backyard and found an old album by Toke Townley and The Tuggers, “Hand Shantys By The Shore With Sweet Deliza”.  The titles alone heave us windward into the salty spray as the Whaler hoves out of Nantucket;

There’s a Narwhal up me grapper.
I’ve been bent over a Barrel or two.
Have you dandled on Nelson’s Column?
They lowered her on me and Mary Rose.
There’s a cabin boy in me quarters.
Captain Sparrow’s marrow.
There’s never a gay pirate when you need a boost.

Here is a classic Shanty – Featured in Jaws so it has to be good!

 

 

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Luis Suarez Signs Major Teeth Sponsorship Deal!

Luis Suarez has signed a major sponsorship agreement with denture fixing giant Fixodont.

Suarez ,who recently took a bite out of big conked Italian defender, Giorgio Chiellini, was delighted with the tie up telling Gfb’s Dental Correpsondent, Geoff Gingivitis, “I is a very happi to announce theeeese sponshooreship agreeeeeeement with Fixshodont. Dey geeeevveeee meeee the greeeeep I neeeeed to ‘ave a da confidents to a byte da fuck outta any hoponent ooh geta in ma way. I love a neeeeble on flesh. Good for da soul no?”

Meanwhile, Suarez’s dentist in Montevideo, Mr Gustavo Cuspid told our reporter, “Luis is a lovely lad, with great teeth  – not a filling in his gob! He has found a use for his pronounced overbite, so leave our national hero alone.”

Chomp, chomp.

 

 

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Love For My Tortoise Has Taught Us Happiness – So Says Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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The Petronas Towers Sprout Giant Ginger Moustache For Movember

Kuala Lumpur awoke this morning to the sight of the Petronas Towers sporting a ginger moustache in honour of Movember.

“Cover me in peanuts and call me Satay!” cried retired civil servant, Ali Mohammad who was on his way to the bakers to buy some fish for his cat. Without success. As an insurance policy he went to the bank to buy some fish. Again without success.

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