Posts Tagged ‘Magazines’



I was on The Pot  last week, reading an article in my wife Shirley’s Cosmopolitan about a posh woman who overcame her fear of stretch marks by setting up www.stretchmarkmums.com.  Now politicians are desperate to appear on the site because women with stretch marks are a key demographic.

Downstairs, Shirl cranked up the radio as Eric Carmen’s, “All By Myself” was being played. It’s one of her favourites.

As one lump turned to two, I listened to Eric’s lament. This got me thinking.

When I think I get a nose bleed.

I tore off a couple of sheets and stuck them up me hooter. Job done.

As a failsafe I also stopped thinking.

The radio advertised cheap tadpoles and then a minute later expensive toads. As I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t connect the two. Amphibians or a nosebleed? No brainer.

Next up was a god awful slice of pap I hadn’t heard in years. “Hip To Be Square,” By Huey Lewis And The News.

Like thinking, Huey Lewis And The News gives me a spontaneous nose bleed the second I hear their aimless prattle. Soon enough I was spraying platelets like a good ‘un.

I asked Shirl to turn the radio down. She couldn’t hear me.  So I shuffled  – with pants and jeans around me ankles – to the top of the stairs to tell her.

Why I fell I have no idea, probably loss of blood and standing up too quickly.

The paramedics found blood spattered Bob in a pile on the last step. There was a  large skidmark running down the stairs. Carpet burn on the anus is no fun I can tell you.

Shirley whistled “Stuck With You” as I was wheeled out of On The Pot Towers.  I needed seven pints of the old Rhesus negative by the time I got to the hospital.



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Hello Folks,

Bob Lewington here again.

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I popped round to my sister Shirley’s yesterday to help her husband Del move their new leather cornerpeice (with detachable armrests). He suffers with his back does Del.

I needed the facilities while I was there and had a flick through Shirley’s Cosmopolitan whilst doing my business. I completed the questionnaire “Who Would Be Your Best Partner?” and it turned out to be Brad Pitt!

I’d have thought Jonny Depp but there you go.

I’m not gay though! Oh No! Married with kids me. Got a Tattoo too. Of my Grandma. It’s not a very good one. Did it myself in front of the mirror when I was thirteen. Septicemia was a price worth paying.

Gran looks a bit like a gibbon. But it’s the thought the counts.

All the best,


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