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Goose

Hello,

I hope you enjoyed Part 1 yesterday. You can Read Part 1 here!

Here is Part 2 – Read on……….

Day 41 – Lisbon – scurry aboard Recife bound ship “Obrigado” – the principal cargo is buttock emollient cream, samba costumes and whistles – wriggle into a nice floral headpiece, matching sequinned bra and thong – I blending in with Brazilian culture!

Day 43 – The Obrigado – Unmasked by Boson as not “Hector” the vessel’s happy go lucky First Mate but as a non-paying transgender guest with well-honed buttocks – thrown in the Brig.

Day 43 – The Obrigado – Brought to ship’s captain – he is an unreconstructed romantic who is in a state of high dudgeon after reading the Bronte Classic Jane Eyre – he clutches me to his swelling breast and sobs uncontrollably “Poor Rochester,” he cries – tells me of his loon of a wife – a woman with a predilection for salty old tars – she is sealed away in ship’s bulkhead on account of her madness and “needs”.

Michael-Fassbender-as-Mr-Rochester-Jane-Eyre-2011-michael-fassbender-25911613-1920-1040

Day 46 – The Obrigado – Mass panic as Captain’s wife escapes and ravishes the ships Bursar, First and Second Mate, Boson, Petty Officer, Cook and a lad who happened to be passing in a Tuna fishing boat she spotted on the starboard bow – swam over to and ravished – she is captured and restored to her cell – the Captain sobs – I read him extracts from Wuthering Heights – “Poor Cathy,” is all he says.

Day 50 – Recife – Leave Obrigado – Captain donates lifetime supply of buttock emollient to thank me for my support – his wife ravishes me before I skip ashore – “Poor Cathy,” are the last words I hear.

Day 51 – Trans-Amazonian Highway – Sashay my way towards Belem – my bottom is revered by buttock cognoscenti.

Day 54 – Belem – Join Samba dance band – band rooted in bizarre Marxist theory that believes buttock wobbling in camp outfits will eventually destroy capitalism – I have my doubts.

Day 68 – Mouth of Amazon – Say farewell to my Samba Band colleagues with a toot on my whistle – Capitalism still intact – chop down big tree – shape it into giant clog and paddle towards Manaus.

Useful Tip in the Rain Forest #1 Never paddle in a thong.

butt

Day 71 The Amazon – See off attack from shoal of synchronised swimming Piranhas by dazzling them with my sequin studded brassiere – smear myself in emollient to fend off flesh-eating insects and mosquitos.

Day 75 – Fishing village of Maracaibo – Befriended by Geoff a double glazing salesman from Cornwall who. “turned left at Plymouth instead of right” – barter my whistle with him for a set of triple glazed French windows he happens to be carrying – lash them to clog and sail up the Amazon!

Day 80 – Manaus – Leave clog and trek into Forest – see all types of creatures – Jaguars, Monkeys, Lions, Tigers, Penguins, Polar Bears, even a Giraffe – realise I am in Manaus Zoo and head for exit – easy mistake to make. Turn left at MacDonald’s and find myself deep in the Rain Forest.

Useful Tip in the Rain Forest #2 – Never walk in a thong and stilettos in the Rain Forest.

Day 84 – Rain Forest – Felled by dart fired from blowpipe – fall into delirious fever – imagine erotic romps with Bilbo Baggins.

Day 86 – Rain Forest – Fever breaks and awake to find short lad with big ears and enormous feet next to me! I am in Middle Earth!

Day 86 – Rain Forest – Lad wakes up and smiles – he only communicates by twanging his nasal hairs in complex melodies – I discover his name is Whothefuckareyou? Chief of a long lost tribe who still don’t have a clue where they are – The Wherethefuckarewe?

tribe

Day 86  – Rain Forest – I am the first white man in samba outfit with smooth buttocks the Wherethefuckarewe? have encountered – I am worshipped as their long lost God and christened Wherethefuckdidhecomefrom?

Day 87 – Rain Forest – The Wherethefuckarewe? are a proud people – traditional costume is an Adidas Shellsuit – it is good to see that they have not been tainted by western culture – Whothefuckareyou? organises a feast in my honour!

Day 88 – Rain Forest The feast comprises the traditional Amazonian dish of Burger and Chips washed down with a highly intoxicating liquor made by fermenting the bark of dogs – we partake in a fertility dance with a number of toothless harpies – nasal hairs plucked with much ferocity – Before passing out all I recall is a nasal hair plucking rendition of the Hokey Cokey, followed by Hi Ho Silver Lining……..

Day 93 – Rain Forest – Whothefuckareyou? leads me deep into the jungle – day after day I toil moving ever further from civilisation towards what? I know not – I am wilting – cannot go much further – chafed and blistered – my headgear a bit wonky – Finally he holds out a slightly wonky Light Sabre without batteries towards a clearing in the Forest.

Day 93 – In The Rain Forest – A place of serene beauty – never before seen by a white man dressed in a samba outfit – giant statues – thousands of years old – bearing a remarkable resemblance to the cast of US Sitcom Friends – guard this place – I hear water nearby – Whothefuckareyou? twangs on his nose hair – the sounds tell me that we have reached the source of the Amazon – A washer is needed to stop the dripping – slightly disappointing.

I think of Simon Cowell with a sausage on his head.

simon_cowell goetta copy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

Wikileaks lad Julian Assange has spoken to Gfb about his reason to claim asylum in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London. Panpipes!

Julie and Pals Panpipin’

“I just love the Panpipes  and Ecuador is a world centre for their blowin”,” He told us, “I was given a copy of  “Now That’s What I Call Panpipes 15,” for Christmas. Loads of tunes including, I Will Survive, Feelings and Footloose. Even Paul McCartney! Did you see him at the Olympics? Oh Dear.  Altogether now….I’d rather be a hammer than a nail….”

He has adopted the Ginger Wig to further his anonymity.

Gingileaks!

But the Government are confident of getting their man. Ian Duncan Spliff, Minister for Pensions and Heavy Dub told Gfb, “Easy mon, me hand me crew is ‘angin’ in Nort Shingfooooord smokin de GANJA! and chillin’. Wikiman is ‘istory. Ya get me? We shank him wid Panpipe right up is ‘ootah.”

IDS - No Woman No Cry

Pastafari

So that’s alright then.

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The price of travel these days can be prohibitively expensive.

Yesterday, one of my kidneys fell out of my back passage when I was informed of the  cost of a single train journey between Glasgow and London.

But as the fates would have it – who was on hand to help me reconfigure me innards? It was none other than Contour D. Tour, a man who knows how to Globetrot on the cheap.

“Fine kidney you’ve got there Fightback – sold one of mine in India to buy a Honda Goldwing. Crashed the damn thing outside Mumbai. But, if you run out of cash body parts always fetch a tidy sum.”

He thrust a copy of his book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – in my hand. It is a short volume that recounts a number of his free adventures around the world.

Here, we abridge his recent journey to Chile.  You may find some of the methods useful when planning your next family holiday.

Day 1 – London Paddington – Board the Plymouth train early and ticketless. Locked myself in a toilet. Hang an Out of Order sign on the door. If anybody knocked I made out I was Voodoo. Soon scared ’em off.

Day 1 – Plymouth Docks – Smuggled myself onto a Mackerel fishing boat. Plymouth has a great maritime history Drake, Pilgrim Fathers, Columbus, Kontiki, St Patrick, Britney Spears and the Canoeists from the opening credits of Hawaii 5-0 have all sailed from here.

Day 2 English Channel – As a stowaway on a Mackerel ketch there is not much to do.  I while away the time singing a few Shantys. Airs such as “There’s A Maiden With Scurvy Waitin’ For Me In Nantucket”, “Break Out The Grog For Johnny’s Tinkle” and “I’m Not Chesty Nancy Just Got A Touch O’Consumption”, ease the passage of time.

Day 4 – Bay of Biscay – Jump ship. I bobbed in the Bay for a day or two.  A Portuguese man-o’-war kept me company. Friendly little thing. Word of advice though. Don’t stroke one! I refuse offers of rescue from several passing cargo ships and a slightly camp Armenian gun smuggler – for South America is my destination!

Day 5/6/7 – Still bobbing in the Bay.

A Great Place To Bob

Day 8 – Finally picked up! The SS Abomination sails under the flag of Liberia and is steaming toward Montevideo with a cargo of head lice to be sold at auction. The Captain (a Breton bereft of eyebrows with a deep attachment to the music of Barry White) invites me to honour the Walrus of Love each night. Happy to oblige as I too am a fan.

Day 17 – Arrive Montevideo – itching to buggery and shorn of all hair. Quarantined for two weeks whilst the lice debacle is resolved. Locals hurl tins of corned beef at us. We hurl nit combs. I shout “Graf Spee” at them – that settles their collaborating hash!

Day 31 – Find out that Uruguayans have no immunity to head lice – half the population wiped out within 72 hours. I jump into the River Plate and bob in the briny waiting for a friendly Argentinean steam packet to carry me to shore.

Scratch!

Day 32 – Picked up by Argentinean tea towel smuggler Osvaldo Kempes who once inadvertently sniffed Diego Maradona’s crotch. Nice man Osvaldo – he gave me food and shelter; I gave him nits and a fine toothed comb.

Day 33 – Buenos Aires Central Station – There are no trains to Santiago. Damn. Seek out Bus Station. Find bus bound for Santiago.  Disguise myself as a luggage rack.

A True Red!

Day 35 Chilean Border – The Chilean Border Guards are suspicious of my claims to be a luggage rack. They describe me as “El Scabby” or even more worryingly “El Leper”. To assuage their concerns I play them “Elvis – The Pan Pipe Years” from my trusty IPod. “Return To Sender” goes down a storm. I gift the IPod to them! As simple peasants they are grateful for any gift from a white man!

They wave me through, with hugs and pats on the back. I look back to see them in the earliest stages of scalp mange.

Day 36. Thank heavens Chile is, in geographical terms, anorexic. I have arrived!

Price Comparison – YOU DECIDE!

London Heathrow – Santiago

British Airways – £920 (including taxes)

Time – 22 hours 50 minutes

Tight Fisted Traveller

Free (including taxes)

Time – 864 hours 17 minutes

We think you will agree that TFT’s approach is a bargain!

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