Simon Cowell To Gift The World Esperanto!

“Kiamn vi atingas perfektecon ĉiutagan kiel mi far, estas bone ..i havi defiojn. Pasintjare mi neniu estas antan la celo de faranta perfekta fromaĝo sur tost. mi atingita ĉi tiu celo. Mi lek miaj antaŭbrakoj ĉiutaga al rememorig min kiel mirinda mi estas. Fromaĝo Esperanto? Senĝena por mi!”

Translation;

(*“When you achieve perfection everyday as I do, it is good to have challenges. Last year I set myself the target of making perfect cheese on toast. I achieved this aim. If I can grill cheese then I can certainly teach the world to speak the same language. By Thursday tea time at the latest. Cheese to Esperanto? Not a problem for me!”)

Simon Cowell made the moon and created meat. Strangers suck his forearms.

He now wants the world to speak Esperanto.

The following is a sneak extract from the new series of Heaven’s Got Talent In Esperanto. Simon is judging God’s plate spinning act,

“Dio, la malfacileco mi havas kun via ago estas tio, ke mi ne povas vid granda mendado de telero spinners nunmomente. Certa, vi povas akiri koncerton sur Meditteranean kroz aŭ du sed sur nacia televido? mi hav miaj duboj. Mi vere kredi ke vi havas aĵon pri vi kvankam Dio. Mi havas okulon por ĉi tiuj aferoj! Mia konsilo al vi estas tio, ke mi vid vin pli kiel giganta koko prefere ol telero spinner. Don ĝi iuj penso, reven pli malfrue en la montr kaj RAV ni!”

Dio respond, “Vi estas tre saĝa Sro Cowell,” (Cowell kapjesoj en mecenateco) “Sed eĉ vi ne povus ĉefinstiginton Novajn Infanojn Sur la Bloka reveno, ni agnosku, ke, eĉ mi ne povus estas farita tio. Tamen, mi estos revenigi kiel koko! Susan Boyle estas seksalloga! seksalloga!”

Cowell “dir-is, ke mi estas ĝoj vi hav vid sento Dio.”

Translation;

Cowell, “God, the difficulty I have with your act is that I can’t see a great demand for plate spinners at the moment. Sure, you may get a gig on a Mediterranean cruise or two but national television? I have my doubts. I genuinely believe that you have something about you though God. I have an eye for these things. My advice to you is that I see you more as a giant chicken rather than a plate spinner. Give it some thought, come back later in the show and WOW us!”

God; “You are so wise Mr Cowell,” (Cowell nods in munificence) “But even you could not mastermind New Kids On The Block’s comeback, let’s face it, even I could not have done that. However, I shall return as a chicken! Susan Boyle is sexy!sexy!”

Cowell; “I am glad you have seen sense God.”

Saluton!

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Train Travels #36 – Clackety Click

I was a little put out when the woman sat next to me. My irritation at her intervention into my introspection soon turned to a testosterone yearning. She was young, say twenty three and with the kind of looks that attuned a man to his loins. She smelled absolutely sensational to. Clean.

We engaged in small talk. I offered her a mint, she took one. I swelled slightly.

“I must say, I find trains terribly creative,” she said, “I write all my best work on them.” Her voice was sweet and virtuous, like the warm memories of a childhood Christmas where you did get all the presents you wanted and not just the Christian Crossword Annual,  a bucket and a pencil sharpener.

“You write then?” I asked.

“Yes. Many find the lonely direction a writer must travel fearful and irrational but for me, shorn of musical or artistic ability my true calling is through the word, written or spoken. And trains, these capsules of longing, desire, deceit and so many other traits of that which we call humanity, nourish my sense of creativity.”

One word for it. Flake.

But a fit and gorgeous flake who smelled nice and can enunciate like the best of them. Nice knockers to. Did I mention the knockers? Play it long. Might be a chance of some slap and tickle here. If I play my cards right.

“Would you like to hear one of my pieces?”

“Sure!”

She rummaged in her bag and pulled out a Diary. It had “2006” embossed in Gold Lettering on the front. Worrying. The diary fell open at March 24th. And in that page was a folded piece of paper, bevelled around the edges from age and wear. She unfolded the paper and said,

“I call this piece “To Work Through The Black Shards of Hate”. She cleared her throat,

I leave the house and walk to the train station
I catch the train
On the rails it goes
Clickety Clack
Clickety clack
Clickety clack
Clickety clack
Clickety clack
Clickety clack
Clickety clack

Then it stops at the next station
I get off the train
And go to work

I leave work and walk to the train station
I catch the train
On the rails it goes
Clackety click
Clackety click
Clackety click
Clackety click
Clackety click
Clackety click
Clackety click
Then it stops at the next station
I get off the train
And go home.

She carefully folded the paper, “What did you think?” There was expectation in her voice.

“Very powerful…….very……symmetrical.”

“Thank you very much! It took three years to write. I took ages to decide on seven or eight Clickety Clacks and Clackety Clicks.”

“Really.”

I got off at the next station and walked home. No sex and she ate the rest of my mints.

Clickety clack me arse.

Hope you enjoyed the story – you can read another one here!

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Hermaphrodite Hoodies – By Paul Holland

Should I push or pull

When the weary raincoat of cloudy night has opened before Dawn’s door

There you’ll find hermaphrodite hoodie stirring in the nether region

Dawn turns only to say

“Stop muckin’ about”

“Aah”

Sighs hermaphrodite hoodie

“What I’d give for any port in a storm

Yes brandy and a little drop of port”

“Garr……” slurps Dawn (pint of heavy in hand)

“But your eyes are a sore sight

Stay awhile ye twisted stranger, try an rearrange, yer a bit of a dog in a mang…er”

“Mark me well Dawn! today I’ll play wit’ me ditties an’ yer man there dreams only of havin’ titties

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Simon Cowell To Teach The World Esperanto!

“Kiamn vi atingas perfektecon ĉiutagan kiel mi far, estas bone ..i havi defiojn. Pasintjare mi neniu estas antan la celo de faranta perfekta fromaĝo sur tost. mi atingita ĉi tiu celo. Mi lek miaj antaŭbrakoj ĉiutaga al rememorig min kiel mirinda mi estas. Fromaĝo Esperanto? Senĝena por mi!”

Translation;

(*“When you achieve perfection everyday as I do, it is good to have challenges. Last year I set myself the target of making perfect cheese on toast. I achieved this aim. If I can grill cheese then I can certainly teach the world to speak the same language. By Thursday tea time at the latest. Cheese to Esperanto? Not a problem for me!”)

Simon Cowell made the moon, created meat and is so handsome strangers suck on his forearms.

He now wants the world to speak Esperanto.

The following is a sneak extract from the new series of Heaven’s Got Talent. Simon is judging God’s plate spinning act,

“Dio, la malfacileco mi havas kun via ago estas tio, ke mi ne povas vid granda mendado de telero spinners nunmomente. Certa, vi povas akiri koncerton sur Meditteranean kroz aŭ du sed sur nacia televido? mi hav miaj duboj. Mi vere kredi ke vi havas aĵon pri vi kvankam Dio. Mi havas okulon por ĉi tiuj aferoj! Mia konsilo al vi estas tio, ke mi vid vin pli kiel giganta koko prefere ol telero spinner. Don ĝi iuj penso, reven pli malfrue en la montr kaj RAV ni!”

Dio respond, “Vi estas tre saĝa Sro Cowell,” (Cowell kapjesoj en mecenateco) “Sed eĉ vi ne povus ĉefinstiginton Novajn Infanojn Sur la Bloka reveno, ni agnosku, ke, eĉ mi ne povus estas farita tio. Tamen, mi estos revenigi kiel koko! Susan Boyle estas seksalloga! seksalloga!”

Cowell “dir-is, ke mi estas ĝoj vi hav vid sento Dio.”

Dog Plate Spinning (apologies for the spelling)

Translation;

Cowell, “God, the difficulty I have with your act is that I can’t see a great demand for plate spinners at the moment. Sure, you may get a gig on a Mediterranean cruise or two but national television? I have my doubts. I genuinely believe that you have something about you though God. I have an eye for these things. My advice to you is that I see you more as a giant chicken rather than a plate spinner. Give it some thought, come back later in the show and WOW us!”

God replies, “You are so wise Mr Cowell,” (Cowell nods in munificence) “But even you could not mastermind New Kids On The Block’s comeback, let’s face it, even I could not have done that. However, I shall return as a chicken! Susan Boyle is sexy!sexy!”

Cowell said “I am glad you have seen sense God.”

God has offered Simon the position of thirteenth apostle, following the omniscient one’s unsuccessful audition for Heaven’s Got Talent (God was pipped by Winston Churchill’s bird song impressions for a quarter final berth). Simon is trying to juggle this with his hectic schedule.

Saluton!

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