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Posts Tagged ‘Jane Austen’

Yes! “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good sausage, must be in want of a wife.”

jane austen copy

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Hello,

This week we have been celebrating some of the tough guys on the silver screen. Here is a picture of legendary Belgian, Jean Claude Van Damme with a flan on his noggin from the infamous movies, “Mullet Massacre II – This Time It’s Personal”.

jean claude copy

Here is a still from his 1984 outing, “The Renegade Sock – Kick Him In The Bollox”. JCVD is pictured with his co-star The Ginger Mussel – so it really is a case of The Mussel’s From Brussels! (Ho Ho).

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Here are some other images.

Bruce Lee in a fight with Chuck Norris from Bruce’s last film, “The Way Of The Sausage”. Bruce wears his sausage throughout the movie. Why Chuck has got a Scone on his head is anybody’s guess.

sausage

Here is Chuck in the Kung Fu remake of Pride and Prejudice,”Die Hard For A Bit One Man War Gone Rogue Miss Bennett,” Pt 2 The Revenge. 

chuck norris copy

Here Is Steven Seagal Wearing A Chinstrap

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No oil painting is he!

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fresco_rescue

“Apologies for the delay to your service this mornin’ – we believe there are sheep  stowawaying on this train.”

We had been motionless for over twenty minutes on a remote branch line in deepest Somerset when the Shepherd and his dog clambered aboard.  He was a sturdily built man, with features set to a permafrost of stoicism. A pair of wirey mutton chops clung warily to his face and a  multi-stained, baseball cap displaying the Massey Ferguson logo crowned him.

He held a fine crook, the handle carved into a figurine of Martin Luther King. He strode, down the Carriage aisle whistling or bellowing commands at his dog, “Come by Sadie” or “Away to Me Sadie”. The bright eyed mutt obeyed and crawled under seats, scrambled through luggage racks and scoured overhead shelves.

But no sheep.

As the Shepherd passed me, I noticed a badge on the lapel of his Barbour jacket which stated “Shepherds For Obama.” It was good to see the Transatlantic Alliance sustaining itself amongst Somerset hill farming folk.

The Guard, without much enthusiasm it must be said, helped the Shepherd in his search for the missing ewes (if looking in an old man’s rucksack counts as searching that is).

The dog sold a ticket to a young mother who was wet nursing a large and extremely ugly child.

“Ta,” she said to Sadie without surprise. Clever dog.

The search was fruitless. Well, sheepless to be more exact.

“Can’t say they’re ‘ear then Sam,” said the Guard.

“S’pose y’ure right Bob,” replied Sam, “Must still be in top field still or summat. C’mon Sadie!”

Shepherd and dog climbed down onto the track. He leant on his crook as the train trundled onwards toward the Tor. Sadie ran alongside the train for a hundred yards or so before stopping. She stood and watched as we hoved out of view.

It had been a pleasant distraction and I returned to Sense and Sensibility. As I allowed Willoughby’s caddishness to raise my hackles, I heard a kerfuffle in the carriage toilet.

“Baa.”

Strange.

“Baa.”

An “Out Of Order Sign” was pasted upside down on its door. I opened it and was met by a throaty sheep chorus of “Baas”. Three of them to be precise. In a pyramid formation. The pair on the bottom had lit cigarettes. Turkish blend.

The Guard appeared and asked them to put the cigarettes out. But they didn’t. I asked him if he should let the Shepherd know.

“Nah. Mate. Miserable Old Bugger is Sam, let’s just say he had this comin’ – he stole this train once. We had to go to France to get it back. Went through a Worm ‘ole he reckoned.”

The Guard closed the toilet door and left the sheep to their gymnastics and smoking. He looked at me, gurned a tobacco ruined smile and said, “Promised Sadie she could drive the train if she drove them beasts onboard yesterday. Clever dog. Scary really. Thas Collies for ye.”

“Baa.”

The next morning, the front page of the Tor Examiner read “Renegade Smoking Sheep Run Amok In Drink Fuelled Town Centre Rampage – Again. Shepherd Arrested.”

I caught the train home later that day. No sheep on board this time thankfully and grateful that Marianne finally saw the goodness in Colonel Brandon.

The Train Dispatcher blew his whistle. The traction engine rumbled into life and the train pulled away. As I walked toward the Station Car Park, a Border Collie’s head crowned with a multi stained Massey Ferguson cap appeared out of the driver’s cabin. The dog raised a paw in salute and waved goodbye to the Dispatcher. Who waved back.

Clever dog Sadie.

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Gfb has trawled the records of literally people and discovered some amazing connections which will truly astound you.

So without further ado – ARE THESE PEOPLE RELATED?

Michael Collins and Jackie Collins.

He was the gorgeous face of Republicanism a man who took on and defeated the British Empire, went out with Julia Roberts. And then got shot.

Michael and Julia together - before he was shot

She is the Queen of the Bonkbuster, sister of Joan and can write big words as well as little ones. Her new novel “A Woman Off Substances” is out this week.

Did you know that the Irish Constitution has a torrid sex scene in it (halfway down page 3 after voting rights for non domiciles) involving a woman called Lucky Chance and a hairy chested rock musician called Stryker Malone.

Did Big Mick ask Jackie C to write this section as he thought a bit of rumpy pumpy would lighten the spirits of repressed Catholics across the land? If true, it proves they were related. Uncanny isn’t it!

 Emile Zola and Gianfranco Zola

He is the great French novelist, whose works include The Earth, Germinal, Therese Raquin, Tin Tin, Asterix, the screenplay of Amelie and the words to Frere Jacques.

Don’t Make Emile Of It!

He is the impish Italian footballer who hopped, skipped and sashayed his way into our hearts with his tricks, flicks and pixie loveliness. His bestselling book “I  is from Sardinia and I like the Sardines,” is a great guide to cooking sardines.

 

He’s Only Little!

Did You Know!

Emile Zola invented the penalty spot and centre circle on a football pitch. He wrote, “On Mon Tete Son,” the first published account of a French writer’s lover affair avec le beautiful game.

If true it is Uncanny! Were they related? You Decide!

 

Jane Austen and Steve Austin (close enough for the pedants out there!)

She is arguably the greatest Romantic novelist in the English Language.

Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Sense and Sensibility – all great reads. Rollicking even. 

 

He was barely alive. We rebuilt him. He could run so fast it looked like he was in slow motion. His wig never came off too!

With his bionic eye he could see for yonks (once spotting Jane Eyre as she was leaving Mr Rochester some two hundred miles away).

 

“Wooden?”

Did You Know?

In the early drafts of Pride and Prejudice, Mr D’Arcy was depicted as a half man half robot with earwax build up.  And the cad Mr Wickham was an astronaut who wrote mournful poetry!

The pilot show for The Six Million Dollar Man, depicted Lee Majors character as a 19th Century Dandy! A Fop if you will! Sadly this ended up on the cutting room floor.

Can they be related? You Decide!

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