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Posts Tagged ‘Iron Lungs’

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

We recently received news about this person who if you remember found herself in a bizarre love triangle…….

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

Aunty Bill

Alison wrote this moving letter to Aunty Bill last week………

Hello Aunty Bill,

Thank you so much for your advice regarding my husband’s dalliance with my iron lunged Dad.

I turned all the knobs to maximum.  The Iron Lung sped through the front door and headed south for Bristol. As it did so, it set a new land speed record for Iron Lungs, beating the old record by over 350 miles per hour!

Dad became a celebrity and left my husband for a woman who has made her home in a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel. She sits in the fold out child seat most of the day, swearing at passers-by whilst Dad is happy to lie in his lung with a crash helmet on in case it takes off again.

My husband pleaded with me to take him back. But I didn’t. I was strong.

Instead a very nice man who read about Dad’s speed record in July’s edition of “Pimp My Lung” contacted me with a view to forming a relationship. Neville is passionate about the world of artificial respiration and we have struck up a marvellous caring relationship (even if he only gets aroused if I wear defibrillator).

Without your advice I would not have found my dream man and would have been up the creek without a paddle (just a little ER/A&E joke there!)

Stand back and charge to 200!

Thanks Aunty!

Alison

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the nation’s leading Transgender Agony Aunt/Uncle, Aunty Bill is here to help. If you have a problem with affairs of the heart or just need advice, drop him/her a line and he/she will be happy to help.

Replies may take a little time as he/she is currently in the medical unit at his/her open prison in Worcestershire undergoing some lovely transformative surgery.

A Way To A Transvestite’s Heart…..

Aunty Bill,

Are you a vegetarian? My mum reckons you are.

Alan, Santiago

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Alan,

Mums! Dontcha just love ’em?

She’s right of course. I had a rather nasty experience with an old piece of shrivelled pork many years ago (don’t ask). Ever since I have been totally meat free.

Nuts, berries & nettles are my staples these days although recently I have become partial to a slice of Ugli fruit before bedtime. One of the great things about a meat free diet is how great you feel about saving the lickle sheeps and lambs from the threat of immediate slaughter.

One of the downsides is Rickets and calcium deficiency. So it is important to drink lots of milk if you decide to give up meat, otherwise your teeth/hair/legs could fall off or out.

Here’s my recipe for nettle surprise which I sometimes cook for the wing :

Nettles (lots)

Water (5 gals)

Sugar (8lbs)

Rice (as much as you can lay your hands on)

Bubblegum (2 packets)

Wash and chop the nettles (wear gloves!)

Boil water then when boiled at nettles, sugar & rice

Simmer for 5 hours

Strain resulting mess well, add bubble gum to garnish and serve immediately.

The juice can be stored and used to clean the limescale from sinks & toilets (make sure you store well away from sunlight and do not expose to naked flame)

Enjoy!

Aunty Bill

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

All the best with your endeavours

Aunty Bill

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