Posts Tagged ‘Hosepipes’

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Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I am in love with my neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed.

How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

Just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Water Feature love isn’t as unusual as you might think. A cousin of mine once had a torrid affair with a friend’s garden sprinkler. Only at night though. There was a hose pipe ban at the time,

I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Demonstrate your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration procedures. A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should show that your intentions are honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.


Aunty Bill




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new oilyOily, 

Are you still auditioning for your new film Henry’s Hosepipe Heaven? In some bizarre twist of fate my penis has a built in sprinkler system and I would be ideal for the role of the hose.

Richard, Nuneaton

Oily Replies;

Due to the hot weather and inevitable hosepipe ban we had to hold off on that shoot. However you could end up answering many problems.

Have you full control over the sprinkler? Have you a remote control? Can you sprinkle in several directions simultaneously?

I need to know length and dimensions of said hosepipe. Perhaps send me a picture of your wife and her best friend Sophie that Friday night they got carried away on the girls night out.

Sorry you don’t have such a pic? Ok.

You want one?


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