The Queen’s Hurt About “Randy Andy” Speculation

Buckingham Palace today issued a statement telling us that Her Royal Queeness is upset over allegations surrounding Prince Randy Andy and his nonce mates.

Lord Edward Sneer, Keeper of the Royal Spittoon told Gfb’s newshound, Daphne Kerplunk, “It is all a tissue of lies about Randy Andy. It has to be. The man is a complete bellend. He has as much intelligence as a damp flannel.”

Prince Charles came out in support of his younger brother by insisting that Andrew’s “enormous” appetite for  heroin and cocaine made it highly unlikely that his interests extended “in that direction.”

“Even his favourite nag likes a bag of ganja now and again!” Chirped Charlie.

Randy’s Horse – Roach

He then garbled, “One must understand that one’s talking to plants and one’s bogies constitutes all the qualifications one requires to be Monarch. Hurry up and pop thine clogs Mama,” before hopping over a fence to resume a conversation with a neighbour’s herbaceous border.

 

 

 

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Australian Toilets Bamboozled Me – By Bob On The Pot

Hello Folks,

Well we are back from our trip “Down Under”. I enjoyed Australia. We stayed in the resort of Wollombonggongerianty. The town’s slogan was, “Playground For Functioning Illiterates”.

Oz water swirls in a anti-clockwise direction! Watching a floater bravely battle for survival in an unusal direction fascinated me for several hours.

“Magnetic Pole”, Bruce our taciturn concierge told me. He still mourns the death of Bon Scott.

So ever the one with a scientific mind, when I returned home I sought to place a spoon Geller like, on the forehead of Zgbniew Zzzzzgmrboniak, our local Polish builder. Safe to say the spoon fell off.

Magnetic Poles my arse.

I am back at work.

I was involved in a repossession.

Sir Amethyst Yeast-Gravel had failed to pay his Council Tax. The poor old chap is potless. Should take a leaf out of my cousin Terry’s book and consider armed robbery as a career option.

Anyway before I took possession of goods to the value of what Sir Yeast-Gravel owed, his noblilityness kindly allowed me to use his facilities.

You could tell he was posh because of the a copy of Horse and Hound as the in-store reading material.

I like horses. Legs, Necks, Tails. They’ve got the lot.

Couldn’t ride a horse though. Suffer from Stirrup Ankle.

But at least the water in the bowl swirls in the direction it should. Bloody Australians taking liberties with my evacuations. You can tell a lot about a country by the way it treats its sewage.

My Dad used to say to me, “Your stool is your best friend.” I don’t have a clue either.  Strange man was Dad. He thought he was 3 parts human and 1 part pigeon.

Bob

 

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The Queen’s Horse Drug Scandal – Shocking Picture!

Hello

Gingerfightback gained access to the Royal Stud yesterday to nab this picture of the racehorse owned by The Queen who has failed a drugs test (the horse that is not Her Majesty – although she is partial to Charles’ organic Duchy Originals Ganja).

The photo clearly shows the horse named Have A Bang On This Little Number, abusing drugs in a most unseemly manner.

Pink Floyd Really Speaks To Him

 

The Queen was unavailable for comment as she was in Scotland to open the  Commonwealth Games. To celebrate this great day for the land of the long sweaty sock, Liz festooned her bonnet with Scotch Eggs!

One Has The Munchies

 

 

 

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Folks,

Bob Lewington here again.

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I was involved in a repossession yesterday. Sir Amethyst Yeast-Gravel had failed to pay his Council Tax. Sad to see the nobility falling on hard times.

They should take a leaf out of my cousin Terry’s book and consider armed robbery as a career option.

Anyway before I took possession of goods to the value of what Sir Yeast-Gravel owed, his noblilityness kindly allowed me to use his facilities.

You could tell he was posh because a copy of Horse and Hound was the in-store reading material.

I like horses. beautiful creatures. Legs, Necks, Tails. They’ve got the lot in my opinion. I like to spend Saturday afternoons with me mates in The Nervous Budgie supping a few pints of Beater and having a bet.

Never ridden a horse though! Saddles give me the collywobbles and just thinking about stirrups causes my rash to break out.

Where’s the Calamine lotion?

Best Wishes

Bob

By the by, Sir Yeast-Gravel had a very nice antique Blunderbuss hanging over his living room mantelpiece, which more than covered the amount due.

Terry thinks he can find a use for it, in a sawn off, customised version.

Pimp My Musket!

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When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Folks,

Bob Lewington here again.

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I was involved in a repossession yesterday. Sir Amethyst Yeast-Gravel had failed to pay his Council Tax. Sad to see the nobility falling on hard times.

They should take a leaf out of my cousin Terry’s book and consider armed robbery as a career option.

Anyway before I took possession of goods to the value of what Sir Yeast-Gravel owed, his noblilityness kindly allowed me to use his facilities.

You could tell he was posh because of the a copy of Horse and Hound as the in-store reading material.

I like horses. beautiful creatures. Legs, Necks, Tails. They’ve got the lot in my opinion. I like to spend Saturday afternoons with me mates in The Nervous Budgie supping a few pints of Beater and having a bet.

Never ridden a horse though! Saddles give me the collywobbles and just thinking about stirrups causes my rash to reappear.

Where’s the Calamine lotion?

Best Wishes

Bob

By the by, Sir Yeast-Gravel had a very nice antique Blunderbuss hanging over his living room mantelpiece, which more than covered the amount due.

Terry thinks he can find a use for it, in a sawn off, customised version.

Pimp My Musket!

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Kate Middleton – Ninja Assassin!

Is She Dishing It Out In Buenos Aires?

Gfb has learned that Our Kate has been sent on a secret mission to bongo bongo land to sort out some more Johnny Foreigner types. We had previously reported that the Duchess of Lovely Pure Virginity Unsullied By Carnal Desires Of Man Or Beast was a member of the Cobra Kingfisher Singh Viper Assassination Hit Squad, the ultra-secret ginger ninja hit squad.

Bunty - Kate's Submersible Pony

Kate, who recently attended an art gallery and looked at some drawings, ALONE! has been spotted training in the sea, staying at Butlins, Minehead with the crack CKSVAHS (Damp Division).

Even In Rubber She Looks Wonderful

This exclusive photo of Kate in her war apparel suggests something fishy to us.

Kate was aboard her submersible horse, Bunty, on the secret mission.

We believe the target to be Argentina –  due to the recent tension between Britain and Argy Bargy land over the Falkland Islands. They also cheated us in the World Cup. Bastards.

Major Melatonin Lever-Arch, Slurper in Chief of the Royal Soup commented “With Kate on the job old Pampas Pedro won’t stand a chance! She’ll dish it to Diego! Now Lady Sin, a little tighter if you please.”

British PM Cameroon has ordered HMS Ginger to back up Kate’s activities. The mighty Ginger has left Hackney Wick swimming baths is being pedaled furiously the 8,000 miles to the South Atlantic. It has just reached Tower Bridge, so still some ways to go.

"We're Gonna Need A War Clegg"

We wouldn’t want to be in Maradona’s shoes right now (Bastard).

We'd Get Him In The End!

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Kate Middleton Is Great #2

Details have emerged recently that Our Kate may be part of the ultra secret Ginger Ninja Cobra Kingfisher Singh Viper Assassination Hit Squad (Sponsored by American Express).

A Radiant Princess

The shadowy outfit have been linked to the deaths of among others, Saddam Hussein, Colonel Gaddafi, Osama Bin Laden, Charlie Sheen’s career and are also believed to have been behind the shooting of JR Ewing and Bambi’s mum.

Is This Kate As A Ginger Ninja?

Kate, who recently collected flowers from children using both hands, has been secretly training with the secretive squad in secret in a secret place near Berlin.

As we pointed out a month or so ago, Kate has also undertaken some rather nifty genetic engineering to improve the performance of Sea Horses. We believe these animals form the infamous Sea Horse Death Viperhead Squadron. Deadly when offered a carrot or sugar lump.

The Sea Horse Death Viperhead Squadron In Action

To further confuse their targets the ninjas hum songs from the classic musical Oliver, with “Food! Glorious Food!” having a remarkable 89% hit rate.

Colonel Idris Deckchair, former commander of the black Ops outfit commented, “It wouldn’t surprise me. I once saw Kate talk to poor people at a community centre in Melbourne. She showed no fear talking to these people. If she can do that, she can do anything.” He then tried to throttle Gfb’s reporter before turning into a tea towel and making good his escape.

As the photo below shows, Kate is a master of disguise. Who would have thought!

Kill Bill?

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Kate Middleton Is Great!

It was only a few months ago that Kate tied the knot with Wills. But more details of  Kate’s wonderfulnessnessness are emerging.

Our Kate

She recently invented the one prong pitch fork and as the picture below reveals, Kate has undertaken some rather nifty genetic engineering to improve the performance of Sea Horses.

Tiggy Frumpington-Bumlick, keeper of the Royal Ruler commented, “It just shows what a great gal Kate is, although Princess Anne is none too pleased.”

Kate's Redesigned Sea Horse

“Naff Orff!” Anne said to Gfb’s correspondent. But as our hardest working Royal we will let her off this time. Why only yesterday she talked to people who stood in line to meet her.

Such has been Kate’s impact on the animal kingdom that a colony of fruit bats in Mexico have become diurnal just to improve their chance of catching a glimpse of her sometime in the future.

Kate’s sister, Piggyinthe Middleton has set up a TV company, Kate Is Great Productions. Three documentaries about Kate are currently in production. “Wills I Love You Even Though You Are Prematurely Bald” and “Kate – The Heroin Years” have already in the can. The third film “Kate – How the Universe Was Created” is in pre-production.

It is this film which is causing a stir amongst egg-heads, with Kate controversially postulating her theory that the Universe was created during the development of household cleaning products in a galaxy far far away.

This Cillit Bang Theory has been labelled extraordinary by Prof Eric Tanline.

She also claims to know what lies beyond the Universe and has ingeniously labelled it “Stuff”.

Can’t wait for her to be Queenie.

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