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Posts Tagged ‘History’

“My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my sausage, in this life or the next.”

crowe sausage

Strength and Sausage

crowe2 copy

More Strength and Sausage

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

Dear Aunty,

Three weeks ago I met a really great guy. He is honest, sincere, satisfying and great with kids. Last week he asked me to move in with him. I went round his house and it was lovely. Roof, walls, doors the whole kit and keboodle. My only problem is that he has only a right hand side (his left being lost during a re-enactment of Pa Walton’s lumber yard at a Walton’s Fanclub meeting in 1986).  Do you think I will be able to support him in years to come?

Lavinia, Sawbridgeworth

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Lavinia,

Glad you’ve found love albeit with a guy who is half the man he used to be, but don’t despair and cast him to one side (it’d have to his right hand side I guess).

This condition is not as uncommon as you think, some famous people have overcome this handicap, Yuri Gagarin being perhaps the best known. His lack of side helped him get into the spaceship.

Construct scaffolding from bamboo canes to support his missing side. No point in going out for a good time only to find him on a heap on the floor when you get home is there?

Most people in the UK are right handed (ONS statistics 2010) and therefore he should have no trouble in carrying out simple day to day tasks i.e. making toast, going to the lavatory or cleaning the car (but remember the scaffolding for any outdoor tasks).

Right on!

Aunty Bill

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lenin

Red or Dead He’s Under My Bed!

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Prince Ghandi Andy - who would have thought?

Prince Ghandi Andy – who would have thought?

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Agnes DuPont is back with more tales from her previous lives!!!!!! Read other lies here and here!.

Hello,

Recently I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding later that evening.  As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.

I had an insatiable desire to free my people from Roman tyranny and build a new by-pass around Colchester!

The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me! (Some of you may know her as Boudica. I don’t know when her name changed. It was the same when Peking changed to Beijing, Bombay to Mumbai and Swindon to The Barcelona of Wiltshire). But I digress.

Within minutes I was scurrying down the cheese aisle in my chariot, courgettes affixed to each wheel to hobble any Roman oppressor. On I rode, scything down the enemy,  my face now tinted the tint of blue woad tinty stuff from a toilet block.

A scream, nay ululation invoking the ancient Druid Gods saw me rent the air to tackle these Roman curs. With a cry of “Death To The Romans”, I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.

Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated as I exited the car park and the lardy centurions of G4S ended my uprising.

The Magistrate deferred the sentence of Crucifixion to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.

But, no longer will I be enslaved by men in sandals, togas and sporting French Crops!

You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.

Mango anyone?

Regards,

Agnes

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You can see a normal sperm with a ginger wig here!

Here is the Heavy Metal (or maybe a 17th Century Dandy) sperm!

sperm_perm

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Inscrutable…..

Wonder what it makes of it all?

Wonder what it makes of it all?

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here or the one before that here! or the one before that HERE!

Governor Romney has denied being a coconut. “I am not a coconut. Nor do I intend to be a coconut!” He told supporters, “I am a little shy, but that doesn’t make me a coconut.”

If He Wins The Mormons Will Take Over!

The President was running around in a nice leather jacket, with a sturdy zip and elasticated cuffs. It even had his name badge sewn in! It exuded a sense of elasticated leatheriness. We will call it Obamalastic Fantastic.

If He Wins The Commies Will Take Over!

Sarah Palin’s Thought Of The Day – Sarah thought today was Wednesday.

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

George W Bush – Sweet Jesus In Heaven – WHY?

What would these guys make of it all……to paraphrase Abe, “Government Of The Money, By The Money, For The Money….”

Ginger Sooty is taking a rest now. He’d like to thank the many thousands of you who have taken the trouble to read his reports.

Until the next global event that requires his gloved lusciousness, GS is heading for a rinse and a tumble dry before hibernating in the sock drawer, which also houses dilapidated handkerchiefs from a kinder, more civil time.

To the many youngsters who contacted Gingerfightback seeking advice about bullying, I hope the advice we provided was useful. You should let your parents or teachers know what is happening.

You Are Not Alone!

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here!

Hello Everyone

Governor Romney offered me a lift in his car today. “You can be strapped onto the roof and keep ma dawg cumpaknee!” he offered. He is a nice man. 47% of him is made of leather.

The President was in the key election state of Florida and announced a major new initiative to turn around the USA’s fortunes through Choral productions of Grease in every town with a population over 5,000 souls. Oramalamadingdong Care.

Sarah Palin’s Thought of The Day – Nearly had one!

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy – Told West Germany “I am a sausage” and they still loved him! Hopped a lot as a child.  Camelot, Jacqui, Hope and then slain in Dallas by about 254 assassins all standing on a Grassy Knoll. Had a bad back. Lots of Irish households still possess ashtrays with his face on. Invented the Etch A Sketch.  Had an incredibly square head.

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Hello Folks!

If you missed Ginger Sooty’s last report on the US Election you can read it here!

Mitt had an unfortunate encounter with a man in Michigan. “So you’re a human being huh? Lot smaller than I thought!”

The President announced a major new initiative to turn around the USA’s fortunes through a mass production of night attire. Opyjama Care.

Sarah Palin’s Law of The Day – Sarah was undecided about thinking today although broccoli entered her mind for a short period.

Today’s Great Ginger Wig Of The Office Of The President Of The United States.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt – Sickly fella. Built the Hoover Dam and choreographed Fred Astaire’s greatest routines. Resurrected Noel Edmond’s TV career through  New Deal or No New Deal. Invented the electric toothbrush.

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