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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

Can you help?

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. The tortoise is lovely if a bit quiet and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Toby, Glasgow

Aunty Bill Replies;

Toby,

One of the big drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? Its sick).

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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