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Posts Tagged ‘Heartache’

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

6 weeks ago I was walking along Brighton Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.

A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. As the dog departed a monkey who was eating an ice cream came over and stuck the cone on me privates.

Finally a rather large Jesuit priest offered to spank me so that I could atone for my sins.

At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks and ended up discussing nasty habits with Jesuit. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my crown jewels.

Brighton Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier, rusting slightly and struggling with barnacle build up.

Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?

Richard, Crawley

Aunty Bill Replies!

Dear Richard

I publish your letter to illustrate to other readers the damage long-term drug abuse can have on the human psyche.

The scenario you describe above has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the pipe and I would strongly advise you to seek help for your addiction (and give me the number of your dealer).

Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage class A’s can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair I hasten to add).

Oily George (for it was he) accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament.After spending the afternoon running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.

This rapidly turned into Mescal fury and led to him to “Peyote Pete” who proceeded to liberally pour Mescal down Oily’s gullet.

I myself was in no great shape and in the ensuing imbroglio we somehow lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a train travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.

It later transpired that he was in fact in a shopping mall near the train station covered from head to toe in emulsion paint (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).

Let this salutory tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada

However if events really did unfold as you describe I’d get the hell outta Brighton and let the Council deal with it all.

If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet garages are free) thus saving you cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.

Trebles all round!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Out of the Shell

Aunty Bill

Can you help?

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. The tortoise is lovely if a bit quiet and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the big drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? Its sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off mid May.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill answers some of your questions in the tangled world of love. Rumours abound that Ryan Gosling has been lined up to play him/her in an autobiographical picture of his/her life. Directed by Steven Seagal, “Does My Bum Look Big In This? – Ninja Warrior Assassination Squad Fatty Boy Doin’ Fung Fu” is sure to be a big success in the straight to DVD market.

Latin/Greek It’s All The Same To Me

Dear Aunty,

It was Pliny the Elder who wrote “Sum estes quinquodat miserum.”

Why didn’t he write in English so I could understand him?

Maurice, Oxford

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Maurice,

This is going to upset a lot of Greek Scholars but basically he did it because he was pretentious and had no friends. He naively though that going around spouting this nonsense would win him the respect of his elders. Plato was the same. And his mate Thingamymus who (unusually for the time) didn’t have a beard.

If you write the saying above down on a piece of paper, substitute each letter for the letter of the alphabet that precedes it and hold the new words to a mirror it actually says “My old man’s a dustman”.

When I was Pliny’s age I used to walk around with a copy of Emerson Lake & Palmers, Brain Salad Surgery and Jack Kerouac’s On the Road, never listened to one, never read the other but I thought I looked cool.

I soon discovered that I preferred  the Osmonds and my sister’s Jackie annual. Nothing to be ashamed of and my fitness improved as I was forever being chased down the road by the local thugs (who were Jackson 5 fans).

Audere et Facere

Aunty Bill

Dear Aunty,

Three weeks ago I met a really great guy. He is honest, sincere, satisfying and great with kids. Last week he asked me to move in with him. I went round his house and it was lovely. Roof, walls, doors the whole kit and keboodle. My only problem is that he has only a right hand side (his left being lost during a re-enactment of Pa Walton’s lumber yard at a Walton’s Fanclub meeting in 1986).  Do you think I will be able to support him in years to come?

Lavinia, Sawbridgeworth

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Lavinia,

Glad you’ve found love albeit with a guy who is half the man he used to be, but don’t despair and cast him to one side (it’d have to his right hand side I guess).

This condition is not as uncommon as you think, some famous people have overcome this handicap. I’m sending you a copy of Bernie Winters flop 1972 album “Here’s Bernie!” The record documents his brother Mike’s fight against ridicule for only having one side (in Mike’s case it was his left). Bernie movingly, sometimes hysterically recounts the battles they fought together to become the stars of stage and screen that they remain up till this day, even though they are now both dead. I hope that you enjoy and gain strength from this musical opus.

On a more pratical note it may be an idea to construct scaffolding from bamboo canes to support his missing side.

No point in going out for a good time only to find him on a heap on the floor when you get home is there?

Reassure him too, that most people in the UK are right handed (ONS statistics 2010) and therefore he should have no trouble in carrying out simple day to day tasks i.e. making toast, going to the lavatory or cleaning the car (but remember the scaffolding for any outdoor tasks).

Right on!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the nation’s leading Transgender Agony Aunt/Uncle, Aunty Bill is here to help. If you have a problem with affairs of the heart or just need advice, drop him/her a line and he/she will be happy to help.

Replies may take a little time as he/she is currently in the medical unit at his/her open prison in Worcestershire undergoing some lovely transformative surgery.

A Way To A Transvestite’s Heart…..

Aunty Bill,

Are you a vegetarian? My mum reckons you are.

Alan, Santiago

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Alan,

Mums! Dontcha just love ’em?

She’s right of course. I had a rather nasty experience with an old piece of shrivelled pork many years ago (don’t ask). Ever since I have been totally meat free.

Nuts, berries & nettles are my staples these days although recently I have become partial to a slice of Ugli fruit before bedtime. One of the great things about a meat free diet is how great you feel about saving the lickle sheeps and lambs from the threat of immediate slaughter.

One of the downsides is Rickets and calcium deficiency. So it is important to drink lots of milk if you decide to give up meat, otherwise your teeth/hair/legs could fall off or out.

Here’s my recipe for nettle surprise which I sometimes cook for the wing :

Nettles (lots)

Water (5 gals)

Sugar (8lbs)

Rice (as much as you can lay your hands on)

Bubblegum (2 packets)

Wash and chop the nettles (wear gloves!)

Boil water then when boiled at nettles, sugar & rice

Simmer for 5 hours

Strain resulting mess well, add bubble gum to garnish and serve immediately.

The juice can be stored and used to clean the limescale from sinks & toilets (make sure you store well away from sunlight and do not expose to naked flame)

Enjoy!

Aunty Bill

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

All the best with your endeavours

Aunty Bill

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Say Cheese!

News has reached Gfb that Sarah Palin’s lesbian love lust liaison with Liz, The Queen of England has ended.

The pair split a couple of weeks ago after Sarah discovered HRT having a nibble of  odd Jock songstress Susan Boyle.

But Sarah has found love in the arms of an unlikely sauce. Cheese!

Cheddar, Gouda, Emantaler, Ricotta, Feta, and even Stilton, have all been spotted in Alaskan nightspots smooching with Sarah. The perky lass has even engaged in group cheese sessions.

Liz Has A New Love!

But definitely not French cheese. She is a Patriot.

Commented a trusted sauce, “She is crackers about them.”

Gfb asked Professor Eldritch Dip-Thong, Lecturer in Unattributed Quotes, University of Tashkent, for his views on these developments. “Haven’t got one to be honest. But I can make one up if you like!”

Either way it seems that the Rennit lovin’ Grizzly Mama has found her whey again. To prove this she recently took a swipe at Republican Presidential hopefuls, Sick Rantorum and Ritt Momney.

“Is that the best we got to offer? Hell on a Grizzly’s tinkle! I got more balls in each of ma five eyes than those Mofo’s put together! Y’all. Heck. God. Creationism. Beware of blacks. Aryan. Lock ‘n Load!”

We don’t know what it means either.

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I was struggling to make progress with Twenty Tips For Conversational Spanish (A long-planned trip to Paraguay was only a few weeks away) when I heard a voice.

“I think I’m next to you.” An elderly woman in her late seventies stood over me. She held a Cheese plant in her right hand.

“Could you help me with my luggage?”

I stood up to allow her to claim her seat by the window.  She folded down the seat tray and carefully placed the plant on it.

“There you go Love, right by the window – as always!”

I studied the suitcase. It was large. Very large.

“Fuck me!” I blurted out as I tried to lift it, “Have you got a dead body in here?” I regretted what I had said. The old woman was close to tears. She picked up the Cheese plant and stroked its leaves.

“There, there Harold, don’t get upset.”

I managed to get the suitcase into the bottom of the luggage rack. A whimper came from inside the case.

I returned to my seat out of breath from my exertions.

“Thanks. Do you know what time the train gets into Derby?”

The woman had a thin yet kindly face, scarred by years of smoking cigarettes. Her dentures rattled in her mouth.

“About twelve thirty.”

I returned to my book. “Donde este l’estacion por Madrid por favor?” I remained flummoxed by the lingo.

“Harold loved travelling by train. Always sat by the window. Such a shame he got too close to the Lion in the Zoo. I’ve asked them if I could put up a nameplate on his favourite bench, by the Penguin enclosure.”

“That sounds nice.”

“I’ve had the plate made up already – “Malcolm Brabant 1936 to 2012 – He loved to sit here and play with himself” – I still haven’t heard from them.”

“Are his ashes in with the plant then?”

“Yes – I picked him up this morning from the Undertaker. One hundred and twenty-five pounds for a casket! Fuck that I thought to myself, so I chucked him in here when they weren’t looking.” She pointed to the Cheese plant.

The guard arrived at the far end of the carriage.

“Tickets please!”

The old woman stood up and walked to the suitcase.

“Ivy. Keep quiet. They are checking tickets!”

“I need the toilet Audrey,” the suitcase replied.

“Donde este le Servicios?” I muttered to myself, still unsure of the Spanish tongue.

They were put off at Birmingham New Street. Audrey knocked the Policeman’s helmet off with the Cheese plant during the fracas. Ivy’s left hand became entwined in a wreath also stolen from the Undertaker’s. A Flower Arranger, who luckily happened to be on board at the time, managed to free her.

Harold’s remains were accidentally scattered on the escalator.  Not the end Audrey had planned but at least the bench would offer solace. Hopefully with a revised epithet.

Paraguay was fascinating. But my Spanish let me down.

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Oily George’s latest erotic masterpiece has been described by crticis as a clear satire on the youth obsessed Western culture.  “Hand Shandy III” will be available soon. The perfect Easter gift.

Hope the following advice helps!

Hello Oily

You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?

Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin

Why heeelllooooo Sheena,

Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.

How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and fellow Texan Oil Spill, Michael Winner.

The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That market that I cater for. I doff my fedora to the slotheful one

Oily

Hello Oily

There is a squeak on my wardrobe door. Every time I open the door my pet Budgie goes into a catatonic state.

I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.

Will you pop in and see me to use your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers to quieten the darn door and give my Budgie the peace she craves and deserves?

Ariadne, Ullapool

Hello Ariadne

Lordy this is my lucky week! Such beautiful women all in need of my attentions! Of course I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door. I will bring my vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. That should do the trick. Whilst there maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions. Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.

Oily

Ello Hoily,

Can you help? I am doing a crossword and I am stuck on 6 across.

The clue is “Things we chew our food with located in our mouths.” It has 5 letters and so far I have TE_TH – I am stumped. Any ideas?

Slow Dave, Hull

Dave,

The word I’m thinking of is tongue. It may not fit the crossword but I find it can fit just about anywhere else. Once you discover this fact for yourself your crossword will be totally redundant. Enjoy.

Oily

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Well folks, Aunty Bill’s has asked me to tell you how touched he/she is by all the correspondence received and is happy to offer advice in anyway he/she can if your love life goes a bit boss eyed.

He/she is currently protesting his/her innocence over the theft of a large tin of winter vegetable soup from the prison kitchens.

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Shelf Stacker Attacker

Please Help Aunty Bill

I have a problem with girls. I am in my 20’s have a steady job at Morrison’s and according to my mum I am better looking than Brad Pitt. My mum is great, she still cuts my soldiers up when I have a boiled egg for tea and I heard her tell her mate Shirley that next to cider I am the most important thing in her life.

But my problem is this. Every time I meet a girl I fancy the first thing I say to her is “NICE COCK” very loudly. They then run a mile and even my Morrison’s staff discount card won’t win them back. What can I do?

Declan, Stafford

Aunty Bill Replies;

Declan,

Mums are great aren’t they? They shield you from the sad facts of life as long as they can and only when it’s too late do you realise what an utter loser you really are.

At your age you really should be able meet members (no pun intended) of the opposite sex without shouting imbecilic appendage laden abuse at them. It sounds like you may have the onset of Tourette’s and I strongly advise you to get this checked out.

Quite honestly you sicken me and even thought I’ve never met you, why an earth you ever expect to meet a young lady the way you carry on is beyond me.

Your mother’s addiction to cider obviously helps her deal with the fact that she has raised a socially awkward misfit. We have a word for people like you on our wing but as this is a socially responsible family orientated web site I’m not going to mention it.

I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but it’s time you were told a few home truths and I do it because I care.

PS What discount do you receive on your staff discount card and can you use this in conjunction with the Morrison’s “Price Crunch”?

Best Wishes

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good Bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back.

Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment, runs until the end of March, not available with any other offer).

You may want to stamp your own individuality on them by customising them, for example by writing Right and Left on the each one (make sure you don’t get them confused,, it’s easily done).

How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you, you little charmer!

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Ham Fisted

Aunty Bill

Is it wrong for a man to develop a deep affection for ham?

Nathan, Melbourne

Aunty Bill Replies;

Nathan,

Not at all! Many have written to me expressing their desire for pre-packaged cold meats.

You don’t state whether your passion is for crumbed, breaded or good old plain Wiltshire but either way a relationship with this tasty cooked treat can be a rewarding experience.

Over the months and years you may find a deeper understanding of why men in particular, have found this inanimate food stuff such a satisfying experience when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Keep refrigerated and try to avoid leaving in bright sunlight or storing near lemons or tomato puree as these can affect both the colour and temperament of your ham. Follow these instructions and you should have many happy years together and probably a few exciting adventures too!

Ham – the gift that keeps on giving

Aunty Bill

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Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill.

Aunty Bill - Here To Heal, Here To Help

Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

Case #2 – Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Case #3 If The Face Fits…..

Aunty Bill,

My girl is wonderful, sexy and has a great sense of humour. A great catch as my cider sodden Granddad might have said.

However there is one problem. When we copulate she insists that I wear a replica mask of Margaret Thatcher as she swears blind that Maggie screwed her and the rest of Britain when she was in power and she can only achieve her “tingle” when looking at the Iron Lady.

I don’t mind wearing the mask (although they chaff my sideburns a tad) but sometimes I’d like to experiment and wear a different one. Silvio Berlusconi for example.

How do I approach this one Aunty Bill?

Wally, Lincoln

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Wally,

With the great new range of latex rubber masks available on the market these days, suggest to your girlfriend that you both spend a day at Larry’s Latex Parlour in Harlow, Essex.

Here you’ll find a huge array of current and not so current faces. Larry has been the leading purveyor of latex masks for over 20 years in the Essex region and his number can be found in phone boxes, public lavatories and pub toilets especially in the Pitsea area.

Some are even programmed to speak their most popular catch phrase at that “important” moment. For instance Harry Rednapp shouts “Back of the net!” or how about Oliver Hardy and his unforgettable “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into”.

A personal favourite is the Mr Punch mask saying, “That’s the way to do it!”

Whilst I appreciate your girlfriend’s Thatcher analogy, maybe a little more humour wouldn’t go amiss and what a cracking day out!

How about you wearing a mask of dashing helicopter pilot Prince William? I could make a cheap jibe here about choppers but I won’t. The futures bright Wally, the future’s Latex!

All the best!

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill is happy to receive correspondence to help heal the wounds of a broken heart. Please feel free to send them in.

NO TIME WASTERS!

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