Aunty Bill,
6 weeks ago I was walking along Blackpool Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.
A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. Then a monkey, who was eating an ice cream, came over and stuck the cone on me privates.
Finally a rather large Trappist monk leered at me and mimed a spanking motion – I deduced a form of atonement for my sins.
At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my little stick of Blackpool rock.
Blackpool Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier and struggling with barnacle build up.
Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?
Daniel Defoe, Letherhead
Aunty Bill Replies!
Dear Dan
The scenario you describe has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the bong. Seek help (and give me the number of your dealer).
Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage drugs can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair).
Said friend accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament. After running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.
This led to him to “Peyote Pete” and the beginnings of a Mescal Fury.
I myself was a tad messy and in the ensuing imbroglio we lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a giant gateaux travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.
It later transpired that he was in fact in a shop doorway near the train station covered in emulsion (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).
Let this salutary tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada.
However, If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet Garages are free) thus saving you the cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.
Trebles all round!
Aunty Bill
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