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Posts Tagged ‘GCHQ’

bobonthepot_Cosmopolitan

Hello,

With warmer weather comes the need to barbecue.

For those of you who are foreign firstly, it is not your fault.  Secondly, barbecues are a recent phenomenonenonenonenon here in the UK. Microwaving is our traditional way of cooking.

I’ve tried to Barbecue with a microwave oven, but the oven melts a bit.

Making a barbecuing microwave oven is on my list of things to do, in between rowing across the Atlantic and visiting the dentist.

We had a BBQ lat Saturday. My lovely wife Shirley, whose topless sunbathing can still be seen on Google Earth despite her writing to the NSA and GCHQ, invited our neighbours Gwen and Martin Slope.

Martin is a food inspector for the local Council. Before you could say, “I’d give the chicken another ten minutes Bob, there’s blood seeping out of this one,” he’s slapped a food safety notice on me and chided me for scratching my nuts whilst handling raw food. Not exactly a barrel of laughs is Martin. Cholera is more fun

“Fat Twat!” Shirley jokingly called me as she poked the snapped cork into the bottle of Estonian Pinot Grigio. Wine with cork bits floating in it always tastes better.

Then she started wailing, “Last Christmas” by Wham. Martin served a noise abatement notice on her. But that’s my Shirley!

A drunkard.

Ever since, I’ve been in the smallest room for hours on end, caning the rolls of frozen Andrex. I should have given that chicken five more minutes.

Think I’ll put the Barbie away. Stick to the microwave. Food you can trust. 5 A Day? My arse!

Martin and Gwen put their house up for sale yesterday.

Bob

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World Exclusive!

Gingerfightback correspondent, Damien One-Lump-Or-Two has discovered that British Minister, Philip Hammond has been secretly spying on all those foreign leader types who are having a natter in Northern Ireland. As this image shows Hammond is secretly beaming messages back to the spooks at NSA and GCHQ as part of the now notorious GISM programme.

bomb-detector

Whilst the antennae may look like a rotary clothes dryer held on with a chinstrap, it is in fact the most advanced (only) integrated spying and drying kit in the world.

As Hammond told President Putin The Boot In, of Ruskyland, “Now I can earwig you about Syria whilst I air me smalls old chap!”

Backdown! - Putin On The Ritz

Backdown! – Putin On The Ritz

British PM David Cameron meanwhile thinks tax evasion can be cured by a spot of Morris Dancing. “Come on Chaps, Tally Ho! Hey Nonny Nonny, Whack Me Wood Clegg! Bally Hell who let that Wog in here! Security!” Cameron is rumoured to have said after seeing President Obama stroll into the canteen for an egg mayonnaise sandwich late last night.

Reports that there was cress in the sandwich have been strenuosly denied by Whitehouse sources.

"I'm gonna fackin' brain you Cameron"

Being in Ireland has allowed President O’Bama to proclaim his Celtic roots. “Finally. Ginge. Has Come. To America,” he told adoring crowds in Belfast.

Among the audience was  Shin Bone leader Gerry Adams sporting a natty new look.

Haven't Had  A Curly Wurly In Years

Not to be outdone, the Loyalist community brought out their own refreshed look and will henceforth be known as the Terry’s Chocolate Orange Order.

"Dig The New Look Lads" - Gok Wan

These two turned up as well.

"Top Of One's Morning To One"

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