Posts Tagged ‘Games’

shakespeare copyBecks_ginger


As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.” Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Here are some new sports to look out for in 2015!

1. Rolf – Use clubs to smack a hefty, big boned Viking around a muddy field for a bit (Imagine Game of Thrones meets Crazy Golf.)

2. Incessance – A woman in her 60’s sits next to you on a bus and talks utter shite until your ears bleed and your stools turn black with impotent rage.  A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and constipation in equal measure.

3. Nonogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy sack elderly gentlemen possess.

4. Bacon Pocket Throw a slice of bacon into a team mate’s pocket from 100 feet. The Javelin meets Lacrosse using cured meats. The Spanish variant is known as Chip my Chorizo (“Chippo meo Chorizo” in the native tongue.)

5. Udder Pool – Arrange your prize milker over the green baize and use the powerful milk stream to pot the balls! Also known as Bull Pull but this version is for the strong of wrist and fleet of foot!!

R Kate - What A Day!

Come On Kate!


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shakespeare copyBecks_ginger


  • Out of the World Cup
  • Walloped in the Cricket
  • Allowed predatory paedophile TV Stars to sustain child abuse in plain view
  • An incompetent Prime Minister stiffed by the Europeans
  • An Establishment clique exposed in the Courts as contemptuous of The People
  • A nation governed for the benefit of Bankers.

the puppet master

Even the Scottish may show them the finger!

Pity England…..

England gifted the world – Football, Rugby, Tennis, giggling, The Rule of Law, the tank top, Pleurisy, pleated skirts, sandwiches, Parliamentary Democracy, trapped wind, the concentration camp and poorly drawn international boundaries. Oh and Margaret Thatcher.

As Shakespeare wrote, “Tis, Twas, Aforesaid herewith are we not yet more than but could we be? Advance yonder light and rest upon my girded goatee.”

The nation is down in the dumps. What is the answer?

New games gifted to grateful foreigners – but fear not in another 100 or so years England will be crap at these too!

Hooray! Hooray!


1. Formation Immolation – Team arson has never been so much fun!

2. Pillow Dribble Staining – Dribbling and sleeping – the perfect combo! 

3. Donkey Dangle – hang limply from a donkey without food, water or “natural break”. A sport that combines endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure.

4. Pluckery –  Competitors are blindfolded, nailed to a wheel and spun for 24 hours – they are then asked to come up with a cogent argument for the continued existence of Piers Morgan.

This is Level 1 of Pluckery – “The cruel and unusual test of pointless endurance”.

5. Gibber – A sport with a training regime like no other. Drinking, smoking, tottering, poor bladder control, teeth staining, sitting in pubs talking cobblers and eating greasy food of dubious quality on the way home, whilst talking more nonsense.

Every day. For decades.

“I think therefore I gibber.” D’escartes.

6. Octogenarian Bollock Drop and Roll Ball – You will be aghast at the stretchy tessies elderly gentlemen possess.

7. Bouncing Bards – Poets hop around a running track and recite poems written by local halfwits.

8. Sado-Masochist Balls –  Teams of S & M types –  line em up against a wall and rub them feverishly with sandpaper – ALL OVER.

9. Sausage Pocket – Throw a sausage – from distance – into a team mate’s pocket – The Javelin meets Lacrosse using a savoury meaty snack.

10. Nervous Team Titter – The game for those who react to pressure by giggling – a team of titterers seek to score “giggle goals” in a variety of embarrassing situations.     

R Kate - What A Day!

Come On Kate – Get Pregnant!

"Keeeeep Dancing!"

Sweet Jesus


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Geri Halliwell


aka Ginger Spice.

The Spice Girl who came up with the phrase Girl Power and wittered on a lot if memory serves.

Was very famous for a while before jacking it all in. Did a load of sit ups and then became a market gardener in the Vale of Evesham, where her prize winning tomatoes are the envy of horticulturists around the world. “It’s all about my irrigation techniques,” she told us.

She is the current world Buckaroo champion after seeing off Lionel Richie in a highly controversial final in Berlin last year.

Some things you may not know about Geri;

  • She can’t sing
  • Hopes to win the World Cluedo title in Oviedo next month (this may explain current champion Former Pope Benedict’s decision to quit the Papacy in order to concentrate on defending his title). In the conservatory with the lead pipe I reckon.
  • She has a pathological fear of Brazil nuts.

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Britain’s leading Director of Erotica, Oily George takes time out of his hectic schedule to give tips on grooming and style!

Word Up!

Hello Oily,

Please help – I just can’t satisfy my woman’s lust for dirty scrabble.

She is insatiable in putting rude words on the board, even in the company of my church going parents. She started with “bottom, nipple and charlie” but has now dangerously progressed to “willy, knob and knockers”. Where will it end?

Ma and Pa’s local church is having a charity scrabble evening next week and I am worried that the filth will only get worse.

How do I avoid a double word score blowout?

Sidney, Pamplona

Oily Replies;

Sid I wouldn’t worry too much about shocking the local vicar. I have an upstanding member, errm… sorry got distracted by my next door neighbour’s activities (note to self, get the binoculars cleaned).

Anyway, yes I AM an upstanding member of the community, an erect pillar if you will. Because of my involvement with the local Beverley Hills Scientology Church I know what goes on behind closed doors in ‘respectable’ society. You would be shocked if you knew the truth. Lets just say  a lot of “Hubbard in the Cupboard” goes on.

Yo feel me?

Ever tried strip sniff spank scrabble? Now there is a game!


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