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Posts Tagged ‘Furniture’

As you know we are always being told to have 5 a day! I couldn’t agree more!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

I recommend a Marijuana, Vodka, Crack, Speed, Smack sandwich – on locally sourced Wholegrain naturally.

No butter as it is bad for the heart.

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Hello Oily, 

Due to a spot of bad luck I have spent the past decade in a wardrobe with only some blouses, slacks and a nice paisley patterned cardigan for company. It was OK mostly except for Xmas when I didn’t get any turkey. I like turkey Oily. Do you?

I recently left the wardrobe for a nice chest of drawers across the room. Have you any tips about how I should furnish my new abode? I am worried that as I have come out of the closet my drawers leave a bit to be desired.

Lonely Stan, Furniture Fan

Oily Replies;

Stan,

It obviously isn’t an IKEA wardrobe is it.  Be lucky to get five minutes- or lady love time as I call it – before it would collapse.  Much like my lady love time actually. But she is just bitter.

I had a similar experience when I slipped inside a a sofa once. I know some readers will guffaw, some may even raise a Moore like right eyebrow in a quizzical fashion, but when you are as Oily as I, one has the ability to slide into  every nook, cranny and crevice.

In my line of business this ‘talent’ is an absolute Godsend.

Whatever shot the Director asks for, whatever ridiculous angle he expects me and my love python to take up, I can always manage to satisfy.

A smart move down the back of the sofa. If mine are anything to go by you will find no end of coins, newspaper, crusts of bread and dried up, turkey breast. Mmmm, tasty.

And also a big pair of white skidmarked Dunnes Stores Y fronts. Just hanging there, flapping in the wind. But a quick wash and your drawer problem is solved!

Just give me a call, I’ll meet you, show you around. £300 a week rent

Cheers One and Oil

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“To You A Bit”

Hello Everyone,

Gingerfightback is proud to welcome Del Springett, removal man and curmudgeon to our roster.

Del recently spent a long time in Fightback Towers, moving boxes around with varying degrees of success before shooting off to see his mate about something. When he finally returned, he recounted this tale.

Hello Fella,

In my line of work every day is different. One day you can be clearing a house, the next day moving someone into a house and the next day realizing you’ve moved the wrong people into the wrong house!

But that’s what the Works Order said, so it ain’t my fault.

Recently I was asked to go an old folks home in Leyton to clear the flat of an old girl who had passed to the great commode in the sky.

Get there and yep you’ve guessed it. Bleedin’ lift was out of order!

So I get the keys from the warden (no offer of a cup of tea) – up two flights of stairs and let myself in.  She’s only gone and left a three-piece suite behind!

This is a two man job I thought to myself. So I went to the pub to get a few tips for the 2.30 at Ascot.

When I returned slightly the worse for wear, an old girl across the way puts her head round the door and asks if there is anything she could do to help?

“Get on the end of this sofa sweetheart.”

She looked a bit put out but, with a lot of wheezing on her part and a bit of puffing on mine (had to stop for a ciggy now and again didn’t I?) we managed to get the sofa down the stairs.

She didn’t look too clever but it did her good. Better than playing carpet bowls and drinking tea all day I reckon.

Suddenly a big yell goes up and she disappears from view.  Her bleedin’ prosthetic has come off!

Dear oh dear. What a palaver.

I had to do the last five yards on my own, load the sofa, pick up the old girl (and her leg)  and prop them up against the gate. Knackered I was.

I gave the gardener the heads up and said “You better get her back inside sharpish mate, looks like rain.”

Anyway, driving down the road I saw a sign asking for firewood. Ideal! Sofa’s burn well. My mate Baz set fire to his when he fell asleep with a roll up in his hand. Didn’t half go up.

Police, two fire engines and an ambulance turned up plus a film crew. An emergency services full house!

I reckon he could feature on the new series of “Police, Camera, Fuckwit!”

He’s still on the sick now. Lucky sod.

Anyway I reversed into the drive, pulled the sofa out and left it strategically placed by the front door so the owner won’t be able to get in.

Job done.

Went for a lie down after. Reckon I earned it.

Until next time

Don’t be a stranger Fella

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New York – Meadowbrook State Parkway between Zeckendorf Boulevard (#M2) and Stewart Avenue (#M3)  – accident blocking the right lane.
Sadly this means we will not be able to attend the lecture “Aubergines – Why?” By Professor David Dipping-Sauce, Professor of Vegetables, Soft Fruits and Flans, at The University of Delaware.
Instead we will visit the recently opened World of Leather Sofa Superstore on the Chippenham Road, Swindon to buy a new leather backed corner piece for the front room, reduced to £25.60 from £12,568.78.
A real bargain!

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