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Hello,

Here is another old poem of Paul’s from a couple of years ago which I read at the weekend. I hope you enjoy it to.

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Oils well the ends well

Dear Oily,

I have had 48 facelifts in the last 4 years. However, the last time I flew long distance the skin on my face melted into my Martini. I was rather shaken by it whilst my husband was a little stirred.

How do I stop this happening the next time?

Martha, Vineyard

Oily Replies

Martha,

Did you fly Aer Fungus by chance? This happened to me recently.

It is an allergic reaction to the eye wateringly malodorous scents their Trolley Dollies wear. Luckily for me my actual skin didn’t melt off,  just the layers of oil that I produce, which fortunately acted as a protective buffer.

A sort of condom for the face, if you will.

At first the airline were extremely annoyed at the gloopy residue I left behind and were going to sue me.

That was before they realised that my natural unguents could fuel cars. And make a nifty salad dressing.

Now we are in partnership making money hand over fist. I fly first class with them for free (but don’t touch their salads). Everyone is happy!

Well except you sadly. But as the Loaf himself once warbled “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad!”

 Oily

 

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We all know that the cost of travelling can be prohibitively expensive. Gfb has turned to ace traveller Contour D.Tour for help.

His book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – rumours abound that Clooney has bought an option – provides the price sensitive wanderer with a myriad of ways to travel for free.

Here, we abridge his journey from London to Kazakhstan. We hope you find some useful tips for the family holiday.

Day 1 – London Victoria – Board the Dover train early – hide in the luggage rack – eat soap and begin to foam at mouth. Rabies will keep ’em at bay. Soon able to construct a soap bubble model of the Wills and Kate.

Day 1 – Dover Docks – Steal pedillo from nearby boating lake.  To France!

Day 1 – France – Sneak onto lorry carrying homesick tulips bound for Holland.

Day 2 – Holland – Bury myself in carrot field. Befriend a mole.

A Carrot Field

A Carrot Field

Day 56 – Holland – Harvested – tossed into lorry and driven to Polish carrot processing factory. Tinned and packed.

Day 57 – Poland – Give Spinster living in town of Zzzzzzskbrgw a shock when I pop out of her tin of baby carrots. Steal her Pope John Paul II replica kit – offered lift to Ukraine by Zzzzzzskbrgw’s open topped tour bus company in return for pretending to be former Pontiff for two days. Contract prostrate trouble from all that lying down and kissing tarmac.

Day 61 – Ukraine – Steal accordion from one armed busker – Cossack dance my way across the Steppes playing classic folk song, Kalinka as I do so. My latent buttock strength proves a Godsend.

Day 62/3/4/5 – Ukraine – Still Cossacking and Kalinkaing – Pity I don’t know any other songs.

Day 66 – Ukraine – Arrive in Chernobyl – immediately grow third ear and a sundial on right knee.

Day 69 – Ukraine – Hide in accordion and wait to be picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast. Third ear comes in handy. Sundial doesn’t.

Day 135 – Ukraine – The accordion appears to have lost its cache amongst the Slavic peoples. Shame.

Day 136 – Ukraine -Finally picked up by radiation addled Ukrainian accordion enthusiast, Anatoly Gazpachiov – starts to play me. Bloody Kalinka again. Followed by “If I Were A Rich Man,” Hurrah a new tune!

Day 139 – Russian border – Anatoly loses eye after formaldehyde binge drinking session. Sells accordion to Dmitri Tarpaulin, owner of “”Dissident World” – the leading forced labour theme park in the world.

Day 141 – Russia – I am set to work as a Boris Yeltsin look-alike on Dissident World’s ghost train, the Gulag Ghouler.

Day 145 – Russia – Steal Ghost train and make a dash for Kazak border – at 3 mph – chased by a mob of dwarf Stalin’s, Lenin’s, Brezhnev’s, Castro’s and Honnecker’s in spare train.

Day 212 – Reach Kazakhstan – Cross the border – the Titchy Trot heroes of socialist revolution wave their tiny fists at me in anger.

Kazakhstan – Big place. Hello! Is there anybody here? Tatar appears on horse.

PRICE COMPARISON

British Midland International

London Heathrow to Astana, Kazakhstan.

Price £349

Time; 7 Hours 15 Minutes

Tightfisted Traveller

London to Kazak Border

Price; Free!

Time 5,088 Hours

YOU DECIDE!

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