Posts Tagged ‘Father Christmas’

Hello! Ma Fightback and I are heading to Germany for the weekend to gawp at baubles and the like.

So, to get you all in the mood for Christmas here is an old friend and confidente of Gingerfightback, The Tight Fisted Traveller reliving his trip to Lapland last year.

Enjoy the festive nonsense.

The Tight Fisted Traveller Goes To Lapland – Part 1

This Christmas,  Ma Fightback and I thought about taking Ginger Junior to Lapland to see Santa. The price quoted by the Travel Agent caused my spleen to rupture. But what price memories? Not that much.

Disappointed, we trudged back to the multi storey car park in Staines. As we looked for the Focus we bumped into friend and economy traveller Contour D. Klepto.

I explained my predicament and he handed me a copy of his latest book “Drug Muling – How To See The World On The Cheap”. As luck would have it, Chapter 7 outlined a recent trip to Lapland………..

Day 1 – London Liverpool Street – 07.48 train to Harwich. Seal myself in rucksack after settling on luggage rack. Find DVD of the classic adventure yarn The Vikings in bag. An omen for a trip to Scandinavia?

Day 1 – Harwich – Stowaway on SS Norrkoping which plies between Harwich and Esbjerg. It brings bacon and butter from Denmark and takes metaphors and allegories in the opposite direction. I disguise myself as an anecdote and set sail across North Sea. This reminds me of a rather funny story……..

Day 2 – Esbjerg, Denmark – make my way to Denmark’s largest pig farm. Spend three weeks living with a Sow (who I name Barbie) and her piglets. Discover that pig milk is perfectly drinkable. The suckling is tricky though. Barbie displays lesbian tendencies.

Day 24 – I am vacuum sealed into a family sized value pack of streaky bacon. Taken to Copenhagen.

Day 25 – Copenhagen – Don an Ugly Duckling outfit – recite this and other Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales to earn passage to Sweden.

Day 29 – Deported from Denmark under the 1895 Cobblers Rendition of Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tales Act. Find myself on a ferry for Gothenburg, Sweden.

Day 29 – Thrown overboard by a group of Hans Christian Andersen fundamentalists who take exception to my Ugly Duckling outfit. They live their lives based purely on the moral code of Hansy’s fairy tales. “We are pure, we are not staid, now swim with the Little Mermaid!” is their cry as I am tipped into the Gulf of Bothnia.

Day 31 – Still bobbin in Bothnia – befriended by a Cod who I name Bob.

Part 2 Tomorrow!

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