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Posts Tagged ‘Fantasy’

Agnes Claims To Have Been A Monkey Once

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us about her previous lives!!!!!!

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

Just one chomp on some cheese (any variety apart from Goat’s cheese – too acidic apparently) and  WHOOSH! she connects with her past.

We hope you are as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where my cheese munching will take me next!) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Why, only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.

I am Up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. The Queen will be sporting sideburns by November.

2. Something to do with thighs will occur on October 17.

3. Nervous people will no longer be from September 25.

4. Prince Harry will get his todger out. Again.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” –

Pete in Ellesmere Port,

Marie says that you will find the nail clipper under the sofa.

Dieter in Munich

Wolfgang wants you to know that the mayonnaise is past its sell by date

Noel in Auckland

Peter says the potatoes are boiling over.

Pablo in Madrid

Gloria says having a verucca isn’t the end of the world. Brad Pitt is plagued with them!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Hello Reader!

After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.

Summer Bonkbuster!

Dear Oily,

I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and  am considering making a big budget version of your 80’s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.

I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?

Marty says hi too!

Steven Spielberg, Hull

Oily Replies;

Stevey Baby!

Did the ointment work?

Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.

Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets?  I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!

Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer,  I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.

Intermittently.

It’s an age thing.

Much love to Marty.

Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.

Oily

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