When Bob’s On The Pot He Likes To Read A Lot (It’s A Man Thing!)

Hello Folks,

At the Doctor’s today for a check up on my rash.

As a result of the butter bean stew, I was using the facilities. I always find disabled access toilets a pleasure.  High seat, roomy, easy to use taps and plenty of toilet roll. Nothing worse than having to use the cardboard tube.

I took in with me a copy of Hello! magazine and was reading about Wayne Rooney’s marriage (it was a doctor’s surgery!) to the lovely Colleen. They looked so happy and clean. Liked scrubbed veruccas.

Memories of my own wedding, to my lovely wife Shirley, came flooding back.

The look on the Vicar’s face when her water’s broke! Shirley’s Dad, Vince gave him a few bob to clean the carpet. And a death threat.

Hard man is Vince.  Has ashtrays made from rival Roofers kneecaps and once had a man nailed to the bonnet of his Jaguar for being tone-deaf. Being psychotic and having  perfect pitch is a difficult combo.

Shirley told me he ate his left earlobe for a bet in 1984. Tasted like chicken apparently.

When Shirley announced she was  pregnant, it didn’t take Vince long to convince me how much I loved her. More gatling gun than shotgun wedding.

So, Dinsdale was born on our wedding day in the back of the horse drawn carriage, with Shirley shouting obscenities at me (somethings never change).

Vince shed a tear! The hardest man north of the Tiber, blubbed like a baby, broke the Vicar’s jaw in an act of joy and said “Fuck me.”

They were Dinsdale’s first words. He was nine when he said them. Proud as punch I was.

Happy Days.

Laters

Bob

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One Year Of Aunty Bill! – Some Classic Cases

Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace?

You Betcha!

Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.

The loyal readership of Gfb!

So, as a special treat this weekend is designated “Aunty Bill Weekend” and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Where It All Began

Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill. Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

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