Posts Tagged ‘Elvis’

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Here To Help – Here To Care

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I am in love with my neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed.

How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

Just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Water Feature love isn’t as unusual as you might think. A cousin of mine once had a torrid affair with a friend’s garden sprinkler. Only at night though. There was a hose pipe ban at the time,

I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Demonstrate your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration procedures. A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should show that your intentions are honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.


Aunty Bill




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My name is Terry Cotter. I’m a potter.

I have been potterising for over 20 years and stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.

I’m currently compiling an album of pottery songs,” Now That’s What I Call Pottery Music”. So far I have Kiln Me Softly  With Your Love,  Love Like Blood by Kiln Joke, Wheel Meet Again by Dame Vera Lynn and a couple of Richard Clayderman tracks.

If you have any ideas for songs please let me know. They have to be connected to pottery though because the album is about pottery. Otherwise they wouldn’t fit.

Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.

1. Painting

Water Lilies – Classic impressionismismism. Always sing, “Well it’s One for the Monet, Two For The Show…..” when I think of this painting. Elvis was a good painter, dab hand at varnishing apparently.

2. Movies

Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Wolf? – I was! Goes on a bit.

3. Music

Pet Sounds – The Beach Boys – “Woof, Miaow, Chirp, Oink,Squeak”- these are pet sounds too. I would include tortoises and goldfish but they are quiet on the whole. Goes on a bit.

4. Literature

Finnegan’s Wake – James Joyce – Ihaven’tgotafrigginclueliketherestofyouwhatjimmyisonabout diddlyfeckindee! Goes on a bitabitabitabitabitabit………………

Village News

There will be a party in the village hall on Wednesday to celebrate the first anniversary of our sleeping policeman. I won’t be going because it gives me the hump.

‘Til next time – The Wheel Keeps On Turning!


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The King As A Ginge!


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