Posts Tagged ‘Drugs’

Hi Kids,

It is your duty to take drugs!

cupboard crackhead copy


As the Government now includes proceeds from drugs and prostitution in official statistics I am proud that my Crack habit has helped pull the country out of recession. I’m not sure how statisticians arrived at these figures (exhaustive research must have been undertaken).

Prostitution should no longer be seen as drug addled women being pimped by scum to pay for their heroin addiction but as a bold, nay noble effort to get the country back on its feet, up against a wall or in a car or in a bus shelter…..

Makes ya proud to be British!

Beats me why would Scotland wish to become independent!

Uncle Crackhead

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Hi Kids,

Smoking Tobacco Is Bad For YOU!

cupboard crackhead copy


This applies to Cigarettes, Cigars, Cigarillos and Pipes (but not crack pipes). I would also counsel against smoking petrol, carpets and/or soap.

Do not confuse this with smoking fish. That is an ancient custom which provides a marvellous erm..erm….smokey taste to fish. Do not confuse this with fish that smoke – they have no hands, access to matches/lighters and being water based creatures……..you get my drift.

Just remember you’ve only got one set of lungs, but hundreds and hundreds of veins!


Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Several weeks ago I watched your stunning adult themed remake of Cash In The Attic on the local cable adult themed channel. Will another series of Gash In The Attic be made?

Knock Kneed Nancy, The Wirral

Oily Replies;

I believe so Knock Kneed Nancy. We are filming in Amsterdam. Hash n’ Gash in the Attic I believe it is tentatively called. I sent my researchers there last weekend to find suitable locations. They have not been seen since……..


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GFB has uncovered shock evidence that marijuana may be to blame for major delays to Universal Credit.

The new welfare payment, which is streamlining six current benefits into  one single payment was supposed to be paid to millions of people across  Great Britain by Oct 2013 but is currently only available in Manchester to  single, unemployed claimants named Keith.

Minister for Work and Pensions Ian Duncan Spliff has denied that the delays to Universal Credit have been caused by his departments’ marijuana usage but the evidence suggests otherwise.


The Stiff With A Spliff

At a recent Work & Pensions committee, IDS was forced to admit that more than £40 million of ‘Super Skunk’ has been written off (smoked) by his department and that a further £140 million has been ‘written down’ for future ganja purchases.

IDS also confirmed that Jobcentre staff would continue to use the Windows 95 operating system and a ‘trial version of Microsoft Office’ for  Universal Credit claims, saying “it be easier for DWP Decision Makers to use, especially when they is gettin’ red eyed on the green, if you get whatta mean”.

Looks like a different sort of “rollout”then.

But at least the PM is still giving it the thumbs up!

the puppet master

“No Pain No Gain Clegg”

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Thanks for all the positive feedback on the story. You’ll be pleased to know that this is the last instalment.

If this is your first visit, welcome! and  you will need to have read the other Chapters to have any idea what is going on. So;

You can read Part 1 here

You can read Part 2 here

You can read Part 3 here

Enjoy Part 4 – Durham Station

David stood on the platform of Durham Station. He had been told to wait on the Platform and Father Sidney would meet him there. The cold air was a treat. The train pulled away, the whine of the engines increasing as the power fed in. Other passengers scuttled past, hunched against the mid-winter coldness.

He was relieved to be off the train. The journey had been awkward, uncomfortable. But he knew that he could control it now. Needed to find where he could score in a few days time. Just a couple of times a week to be getting on with.

He had left Aquinas on the Carriage table and wondered momentarily who would pick the book up and whether they would have the mental capacity to understand the learning’s contained within its hallowed covers. He did not really care.

The heroin made him feel good about himself and knew that his spiritual awakening leaned more in this direction rather than the teachings of a medieval scribe. He could manage his addiction to assist his spiritual growth.

He felt happy but also felt himself a liar. But he would live with these contradictions. Life is about choices.

A man walked towards him. He was in his fifties and wore a heavy wool overcoat. He was a heavyset and walked with a certainty of purpose. He waved towards David, who assuming this to be Father Sidney, his chaperone walked towards him.

They smiled at each other and shook hands. “Father David!”  Sidney beamed. His grip was firm. Perhaps a touch too firm David thought. He looked familiar, but David couldn’t place him.

“Good Trip?”

“Yes, thanks,” David replied, “I don’t mean to be rude, but have we met somewhere before?”

“A few months ago. I was the one who found you.”

“Oh. I see.” Even in the cold of the winter’s night David felt himself flush.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Sidney said, “We all have the ability to err. It is our ability to admit our failures and overcome them that mark us out as Human. Besides, Father Stephen tells me he has every confidence in you making a full recovery and he is the best judge of character I know. He is impressed with your strength of purpose. But, we’d better hurry. I haven’t bought a ticket for the car park.”

They arrived at the car and got in. The bitter cold was painful and David was glad to be inside once again.

“Did Father Stephen have a letter for me?” Sidney asked.

“Oh yes. Sorry. I forgot.” David reached into his jacket and handed Sidney the letter. He opened it and read, humming “Welcome Home” as he did so. He folded the letter, returned it to the envelope and threw it on the dashboard.

“Just the instructions for your time with us here. You’ve had a long day, so we will do the first blood test tomorrow. Nothing to worry about.”


He had forgotten.

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I hope you are enjoying the story so far. Part 3 is below. You will need to have read Part 1 and Part 2 to follow the story. Click on their links here for Part 1 and here for Part 2.

Enjoy Part 3.

Four or so hours earlier…….

Choice. Decisions. The stuff of life. Without them we would not possess happiness, sadness, regret or relief. And without these we would not experience life.

Everyday we exercise free will to determine the shape, pattern and direction of our days. Perhaps these events are of the nondescript kind, such as buying a Tuna and Sweetcorn sandwich at Taunton station.  He used to buy her Tuna and Sweetcorn sandwiches.

But being free to choose when for so long his actions have been scrutinised, monitored, prescribed, reviewed, sanctioned and judged, is a small step to the symmetrical world of decision and sanity.

Along with the sandwich, he had bought a packet of ready salted crisps for the long journey to Durham. Six hours give or take.

He  returned to Father Stephen who was checking the departure board. He hummed the now familiar tune of “Welcome Home” The Peters and Lee classic.

“Good choice. That should keep  you going until you reach Durham. Got your ticket?”

“Yes.” He patted the breast pocket of his overcoat.

The train arrived.

“Got your ticket?”


Father Stephen shook his hand vigorously.

“Well, good luck David. It’s been a pleasure to work with you. You have my number in case you need to talk but I will see you in two weeks in any case.  I won’t wave you off. I haven’t bought a ticket for the car park. Father Sidney will meet you at Durham. Give him this letter. It contains the terms of your rehabilitation up there. Safe journey.”

“Thank you. For everything.”  Both men flushed. David placed the letter in his jacket.

He boarded the train and found his seat. A table seat. Good.  A woman and a young boy sat opposite. David and the woman smiled the cautious pre-emptive smile of strangers thrown together. The child was engrossed in colouring in a picture. Clowns by the look of them. White faces and red noses. As a child, the Priest had always been afraid of the menace that lurked behind that make up.

After a short struggle, he managed to stow his case in the overhead shelf and settled in his seat, catching her eye again. Once more they smiled weakly at each other. The train pulled away. There was no sign of Father Stephen. He really was eager to avoid a fine.

David unwrapped his sandwich.

He thought of first time he had met Stephen as he bustled into David’s room/cell clutching a lever arch file. He paid scant attention for the first twenty minutes or so. This was unsettling.

His angular, busy face scanned the file notes, humming “Welcome Home” as he did so. Occasionally an eyebrow would arch at a particular detail in the file, or he would take a deepish breath after reading another snippet.  Finally he spoke in a broad Mancunian accent.

“Father Patterson, I am Father Stephen Joseph, the Society’s chief counsellor. You can call me Father Stephen, Father Joseph or anything you like really as long as it does not contain profanity.”

He  was not thinking that. He was only thinking when he would be given his Methadone.

Stephen  continued,  “Heroin addiction is very rare. Thankfully. Alcoholics, Manic Depressives and Pederasts I see plenty of, but Class A drug addicts? I believe you’re the first one I’ve dealt with.”

Where was his methadone?

“I must understand your own belief systems and those factors that underpin your faith. That is all. No more and no less. If and when I can address what committed you to a life of Christ and all that goes with that then I can, in all likelihood, find the key to rebuilding your spirituality, seek an explanation for your addiction and what led you down this path and the trouble with this…….Girl, Susan.” He studied her photo. His eyebrow arched once more.

David blanched at these words. He did not understand. Why should he? All he wanted was Methadone.

Father Stephen scribbled furiously into his notepad as he spoke. He tore the page out of the book, held it aloft and muttered, “Good legs, poor tail, that one’s not so bad.” He passed the drawing to him. It could have been one of several animals, but it was mammalian.

“Yes it is a mammal. That is a good start. Reptiles are a no-no for me I must say and as for amphibians? Don’t get me started.”

Thus the pattern was set. At the end of each of their sessions, David was handed a badly drawn animal to consider. They became a daily treat, blistering the routine of therapy and forced contemplation.

“Just think about this for tomorrow, tell me about this tomorrow,” and each morning at the start of their session they would spend five minutes discussing experiences of and feelings towards the animal so laughingly depicted.

He  admired this abstract method of communication. Clearly, Stephen  was not as intelligent as he, not many in the Society are, but his love of anecdotes, similes and metaphors made their sessions entertaining and at the very least an amiable distraction from the rote of addiction recovery and its physical manifestations or tortured abstraction.

“Is it a Gorilla?”

“No, it is a Goat. It’s not that bad is it?”

He wondered when his methadone would be sanctioned.

The train pulled into Temple Meads Station. The kerfuffle of humanity boarding and leaving the train took him by surprise. So much nervous energy expended on such mundane tasks. Life in all its glorious pointlessness. He had missed this.

Susan.  He would love to see her again, but the gagging clause in her contract with the Diocese made that impossible. What she thought of him now he could not begin to imagine. That was the worst part not being able to apologise. And to let her apologise to him.

In the six months he had known her, he had turned his back on his Vocation to instead live a life based upon the impossible pursuit of intellectual ecstasy via opiates. All to satisfy her.

He opened the slim volume of The Collected Essays of St Thomas Aquinas. As always the book fell open at the same spot,  “In such reading I find devotion, whence I readily ascend to contemplation”.

Thick bloated raindrops began to fall against the carriage window. It would be good to feel the rain on his face. The rhythm of the train moving over the tracks instilled a sense of calm in him.

Nine months cooped up in a room containing a bed, dressing table, chair, armchair and wardrobe. No mirrors, not even a carpet and a large black crucifix hanging over the bed. The only utensils allowed in the room were the small plastic beakers. Room searches on a weekly basis.

Part Monastery. Part Prison.

It felt inspired to be amongst people once more, revelling in the anonymity and freedom from inquisition. And carpet underfoot.

His mouth felt dry. He searched for a packet of mints in his jacket. As his hand searched he felt another container in the pocket. Small, made of leather with a button fastening. His rosary beads.

He opened the case. The beads nestled comfortably. He wondered. There it was. Wedged in the bottom of the case. Enough for one smoke, in an emergency. They must have missed it.

But was this a final test from Father Stephen? His possessions had been thoroughly searched. Two wraps had been removed from the lining of his jacket. Perhaps this one had slipped through. Perhaps, it is a sign. Designed to test his faith, his resolve to keep off smack for good.

Stephen had provided him with the platform to refute her doltish advances in the future. His mental strength was such that the addiction could be controlled via a combination of  intellect, strength of will and methadone.


Nobody would know.

He knew he could give up any time he wished. He had proved that in the clinic. He had stopped smoking to. He popped the case button shut and returned it his pocket.

One more time?


Why not? I love it.

Don’t. Think of the struggle you have been through.

But the struggle shows that I can overcome it. Use it to my advantage. To reach God in that uncluttered manner.

Besides I love it.

“In such reading I find devotion, whence I readily ascend to contemplation”.

There it was again. The symmetry between free will and choice. Only this was a choice for good. For the benefit of his spiritual self. His devotion.

Fuck it.

He stood up and made his way to the toilet. The child scribbled with a toddler’s delicacy of touch and his mother, who was reading a magazine, gently stroked the boy’s back.

He glimpsed at the clowns. He and the mother smiled once more.

He recalled watching clowns on a Saturday Night Variety programme with his parents as a child. They had scared him. But he never expressed this fear. It had been a silent upbringing in so many ways.

The sign on the toilet door indicated it was occupied. But then it opened.  An old man stepped out, clattering the toilet door with a walking stick as he left. They smiled as they passed each other.

A number of sodden hand towels littered the floor. He closed and locked the door, flipped the toilet seat down and sat. The frailties returned. The guilt returned. Why was he so fragile? Weak? He needed to distance himself from these feelings. He double checked that the door was locked.

He loves it.

He  retrieved the case, removed the beads and held the wrap of heroin. The train rattled over a set of points.

Fuck it.

The heated tinfoil reduced the brown powder to an oily residue. He watched the transformation from powder to oil and thought of extreme unction. He placed the Biro casing in his mouth and drew in the fumes.

There was little reaction for a few seconds. Then the HIT.

He floated into an ether of peacefulness and stillness, sat back and let this balm cleanse. Even the train’s dullard voice failed to disturb him. It added to the intensity of the experience.  After months of enforced abstinence, the deep rich insights into the world of ecstasy and spiritual certainty returned.  His convictions were reconstituted into a set of sharp, focused reasoning’s that had eluded for so long. Tranquil subsidence and contentment seeped into him.  He began his ascent, like a glider released and tossed upon the thermals of his imagination. He was one with his soul again.

He Loves it.

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Something different this week. A much longer, darker short story which will go out in 4 parts (So I can focus on other things!) – hope you enjoy it and look forward to your comments.

The Priest – Part 1.

He had forgotten.

He lay on the toilet floor. Time; Relative or absolute? Time along with choice are our most precious possessions. A luxury we are all afforded.

The train rumbled onwards.  At first, its mechanical voices were welcome, amplifying freedom and the beckoning ability to choose once again. But now the chatter irked.

How long had he been in here? What was he doing here? Where was the train taking him? Why was he locked in the toilet? He was confined once again. The train rumbled on. He was powerless.

The vision; Where had it come from?  Standing in a church pulpit casting down on a garishly dressed congregation of alabaster models, their faces obscured by fluorescent light, impervious to this impassioned vision of his God. The finest sermon he had ever given. Probably too clever for this congregation.

Only one face revealed itself as he spoke. An elderly man who tapped his stick on the church flagstones in a shiftless, artless fashion as the Sermon enunciated the joys of forgiveness and fortitude to this catatonic congregation.

He began to laugh and cajoled the other  lifeless figures to join him in applauding the words. None did. Instead, The alabaster figures grew into bloated, distended shapes. Sores and weal’s fixed themselves to their skins. But they remained motionless.

The old man spoke, “Bravo, Father David, Bravo. Such success in preaching cant to your flock.  I now count myself as one of your disciples. How temperate you are. How prudent! Your faith, your precious sacrosanct, conceited faith. I come to claim that faith from you Priest.”

The Priest was confused. What had he had done to deserve this?

“You already know the answer. For your own glory, your own sense of destiny, you have aborted your faith.” The old man melted from view.  The priest remained still, silent. He heard a noise.

Someone was knocking on the toilet door. The door handle moved rapidly up and down. Were they were coming for him? A wraith of fear gripped him. Thankfully the knocking stopped and the handle was becalmed.

Thirst. He stood but his legs could barely support his weight. Where was he? Panic. He had no control. No choice. He vomited.

Again there was  a knocking at the door. More insistent this time. Fear returned. His heart raced. Again he threw up, a dry, incessant heave.

He was alone, isolated from a world that had never understood him and shunned him. Only the toilet door protected him from this harsh world.  He wished he was back in his room and his choices were made for him.

The train stopped. Its clanking, harsh voices returned to torment him as it idled in rest.

For a fleeting moment, the heroin had reconfirmed his genius. Cooled the scratching madness in his mind’s eye. He could depend on it as always.

He had found Peace.

He realised he was not alone. She was there.

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Fanny Redcrack - Cook and Bull

Fanny Redcrack is famed for her groundbreaking TV cookery programmes in the 1960’s (her egg and amphetamine omelette is still the stuff of legend amongst the Wiltshire and South Gloucestershire Teepee community).

Fanny’s cookery skills are now at your disposal.

Eat up!

Dear Mrs Redcrack,

My mommy has promised me a new BMX bike if I win the local church’s ‘Bakeagingerbreadmanathonacompetition’ but I can’t be arsed looking for a recipe.

You got any?

Jimmy (8 and a half), Tipton

Dear Dear Jimmy,

You brought a tear to my eye young man. For as a young boy myself I too was a cheeky little sod. But as I blossomed into a young lady, I realised the importance of learning how to run one’s home.

Of course by the time I had children,  Serge The Gingerbread man was a regular visitor to our kitchen. As was Terry The Milkman, Bert The Coal Man and Neville The Gardener (I still tingle at his potting skills).

So Jimmy – Gingerbread Men!


12oz of plain flour,

6oz light brown sugar,

4oz butter

1 teaspoon of bicarb of soda.

Add 4 tablespoons of golden syrup and 1.5 teaspoons of ground ginger. Roll and cut.


Top with a little grated sweetened carrot to really wow the judges.

Bon Chance!


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Super Orange – Why The Dutch Became So Good At Football


He was a no nonsense left back in his day

When Dutch Football burst onto the world stage in the 1970’s, their style of play, known as Total Football stirred primal feelings in fans around the globe. As Oscar Wilde said after seeing the Dutch team demolish Belgium in a friendly encounter in Brussels in 1973, “Truly, I declare Cruyff’s genius to be worthy of my own. What do you think Dorian?”


That team’s style, grace and flair has embedded itself in the game’s folk history. So, when the Dutch played in the 2010 World Cup Final, hopes were high that Holland could take on and lick the tricky dwarves from Spain. At last we hoped, the progenitors of Total Football would get their true rewards. Yet the savagery of the Dutch performance left many a dream shattered.


But Gingerfightback remains intrigued about the rise of Dutch football from a footballing backwater to a world “Shocker” power. It is for this reason and this reason alone, that we ventured to a bong shop in Amsterdam. And in this bong shop, where one can have a bang on a right few good numbers, although we did not, a strange truth prostrated itself before us.


“Yesh, it wash a disshapointing way to play der final, over physhical and very l’il fudball,” said Wim Van Anagram, legendary member of the great 1970’s Dutch teams. Van Anagram, now a heavily built man in his sixties, flattened down his comb over before continuing, “It wash not like dat in my day. Pash and move. Alwaysh the moving and alwaysh der pashing. Datsch the way we played and datsch the way we show nearly brought da Wurld Cup back home.” He looked wistfully out of his window at the bustling city beneath him, buffing his latest hand crafted bong.

Van Anagram Scoring in the 1974 World Cup


“Wanna bang on thish l’il number?”


I declined. He placed the now shimmering almost translucent bong in a box, then stowed it on a shelf alongside several others. Each bong had its own name. They appeared to offer very good value for money in our opinion.


Van Anagram settled into his chair and continued, “Y’know why we wash show shuccesshful?” Why for ten yearsh or show, der Dutcsh football wash the besht?”

I shook my head.

“Shorter shurnames.” Van Anagram replied. 

He smiled. It was as if he was playing a joke with me in some subtle Flemish tone that I would never understand. He guffawed, “Crjiff, Krol, Rep, Haan, Neeskens, Gullit, Van Basten – truly great playersh all with der namesh dat are eashy to pronounsch. It’s eashy to forget dat before the nineteen sheventiesh the Dutcsch teams were no good. Y’know why?”


I shook my head. Again Van Anagram smiled. He leaned forward and touched my corduroys, plucking at the seams around my right knee. He then straightened, placed his hands together and very slowly began to pull them apart until his arms were fully extended. “Namesh dish long! whad da fuck?”

 “Exshample. Our Naschional goalkeeper for 1954 wash a guy called Theo Van Windmillstulipshfromamshterdambingbangabongeurovishonshongcontesht. He wash a great ‘keeper but when a crosh was put into der box by the time he had shouted out his name to hish defendersh the poor feller wash out of de breath and couldn’t jump hup for da ball!”

Theo Van Windmillstulipshfromamshterdambingbangabongeurovshonshongcontesht in action in 1956. The Flying Dutchman!


“We had a right back called Johnny Rijkmusheumfreetoallentrantshonthurshdaysh, great at going forward but by the time der coach had shouted instructionsh to him it was eider half time or game up. Shimilalrly der playmaker at der time wash a player called Albert Polderzuiderzeeboywidafingerindadykeshpeedshkaterliberalattitudeshtocannabish.


Van Anagram’s features, grated by years of bong polishing wore a confused expression.  The man was a vital cog, dare we say clog, in the Total Football machine built at the time.


Matters came to a head when legendary coach Rinus Michaels was appointed national team coach in the late 1960’s. The Dutch Cup Final that year was played between Ajax and Twente Enschede. The match programme, of which there are still plenty available, needed three pages to name the Ajax squad (including the legendary Left Back, Rene Vandergraffspeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesherieshshtarringbarryfoshter).The game had entered the second half before all the players names had been announced over the tannoy.


Van Anagram preparing a cheese toasted snack for us continued, “Now you shee der problem yeah? Who can shay – Oi -Vandergraffspeeeyelevelsheventieshdutschdetectivesheerieshshtarringbarryfoshter, over here on me head shun! – without being exhaushted by der procesh?”


I nodded. Now I understood.  Technically gifted players, strong thighs, but using so much saliva during the game merely to communicate, that they were totally dehydrated after twenty or so minutes.  Making defeat probable.


Van Anagram checked on the cheese on toast, now bubbling appealingly under the eye level grill.


“That wash Michaelsh geniush. Shorter namesh would improve the reshultsh and allow der Dutcsch team to flourish on der wurld shtage –  Do you want any shauce for your toashtie?”


I shook my head. Van Anagram took a large bite from his snack. I asked him what he was thinking about.


“Jusht memoriesh of the pasht, here have anoder shlice. Good ya? Wanna buy a bong?”     

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Gfb has joined up with the Government to promote healthy eating.

Fanny At Work In 1976

We have enlisted the help of top chef Fanny Red Crack to provide some handy cooking tips. Famed for her groundbreaking TV work in the 1960’s (who can forget her LSD infused sherry trifle or flower power puree?) Fanny is the doyen of a healthy, nutritious approach to narcotic abuse, the first advocate of the 5 A Day principal, Cannabis, Amphetamines, LSD, Ketamine and Opiates, and has a firm belief in the power of Shamen to foretell the future.

Yep, you guessed it she needs the gig.

This Week – Cooking Cabbage.

Darlings. Cabbage.Yuk! I hear you all say. Nonsense I say. Marvellous stuff – filled with  with nutrients and a slither will unblock a bound bowel in a jiffy!

Here’s how to cook it properly and not boil the bejesus out of it.

Blanch the cabbage (Savoy preferably)  in boiling salted water for a few minutes. Then cool it under cold, running water to prevent further cooking and drain in a wide colander.

Here’s the trick! If it’s al dente you can tip (the water gathers at the bottom) the colander and squeeze ( it’s quite a robust vegetable if not over-cooked and you can man handle it to your heart’s content) any remaining moisture out of the cabbage.

Then re-heat in a little butter. If you want to excite the Savoy try adding a little crispy bacon, white wine vinegar and cream.

Et Voila.

Toodle Pip. Fanny(Where’s me stash?)

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