I have been potterising for nearly two decades now. I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop down here in Lower Swell.
Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.
1. Painting
The Mona Lisa – Da Vinci’s masterpiece – I too knew a girl called Lisa who moaned a lot.
The Original Version!
He Painted It – But Without A Yorkshire Pudding On His Head
2. Movies
Transformers – erm…..erm…..sorry……nope not a clue – why does it go on a bit?
3. Music
Beethoven’s 7th – it begins with; dum de dum dum dum de dum – goes on a bit thereafter.
4. Dance
The Nutcracker – Heavy hammed lads in tights and cod pieces go – PRANCE – PRANCE – LEAP! – Then thin birds in miniskirts go tippy toe -tippy toe – stand still – TWIRL! – none of this has anything to do with nuts – which always confuses me.
PS What is a Potter’s favourite song? Kiln Me Softly!
Village News
Whoever stole the Village notice board please return it.
Gingerfightback is tipping Brucie’s syrup to lift the old glitter ball this evening.
As the picture shows the fast moving toupe is set to wow the judges and the public with its nifty footwork and rise and fall to the Latin beat. As Gfb’s dance correspondent Kimberley Knee-Cap said, “That wig is the finest exponent of dance I have ever seen. I drink to excess, have a Class A habit and recently sought solace from life’s miseries through Scientology, but rest assured I know what I am talking about. Hic.”
Rumours that domestic goddess Nigella Lawson will appear in next year’s series were met with snorts of derision by BBC insiders.
I have been potterising for nearly two decades now. I stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.
We are getting ready for the Christmas rush. Are you?
Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.
1. Painting
The Hay Wain – Constable’s most famous painting. I always thought he was a Policeman. It threw me for a while when my mate told me he wasn’t.
2. Movies
Die Hard – A bloke wearing a vest kills the bloke who played a wizard in Harry Potter. He can’t have been much of a wizard if he lets a bloke in a vest kill him. Goes on a bit.
3. Music
Saturday Night Fever – The Bee Gees were reborn with this album. I had a fever on Saturday Night. Went to the pub without drying my hair properly after a bath. Caught a chill. Goes on a bit (the album that is – not my fever – otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this).
4. Ballet
The Nutcracker – Big thighed lads prance about for some reason, whilst thin girls stand on tippy toes twirling. Then they finish. Roughly at the same time. Goes on a bit.
5. Poetry
Flute Notes From A Reedy Pond – Sylvia Plath ditty, “Hourly the eye of the sky enlarges its blank” – I haven’t a clue either.
Village News
We’ve been informed that shampoo is now in store in Spar. Next to tinned fish. Which I am assured is Dolphin Friendly.
I have been potterising for over 20 years and stock a wide range of ceramic goods in my shop The Potter’s Reel, down here in Lower Swell. The shop is named after my potter’s wheel which goes round and round. Like a reel.
I have been commissioned by the local Lord of the Manor, Sir Giles Plaque-Buildup to make a six-foot ceramic figurine of his favourite shoe horn. Alistair.
Here are some reviews of some of my favourite bits from the world they call “Art”.
1. Painting
The Kiss – Klimt’s painting of two lovers kissing. I’m not a very good kisser – a phantom lower lip and congenital halitosis work against me.
2. Movies
The Towering Inferno – Big building catches fire. Goes on a bit.
3. Music
Miles Davis – Kind of Blue – Introduced Skeletal Harmonic Frameworks into Jazz. I don’t know either. Goes on a bit. Daddy-oh.
4. Contemporary Dance
National Dance Company of Wales – Virtual Descent – He’s naked, she’s naked – they stand in a bucket and wave trowels at each other – Goes on a bit.
5. Literature
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens classic novel about that magician bloke. Makes an elephant disappear at one point, but never explains the bouffant hair. Goes on a bit.
Village News
The Film Society will be showing Bridge Over The River Kwai in the Church Hall on Saturday. Tickets are £1 each. It is hoped that Alec Guinness will introduce the film from beyond the grave.
The CD music began as the train pulled into the Station,
“Ka…..lin….ka, Ka….lin….ka”
A small group had assembled. Middle Aged, earnest, smartly dressed. Another group were a few paces away. Adolescent. Disinterested. Yawning. Wearing cod military uniforms and fur hats. Big ones. Very furry.
The carriage door opened and a man the worse for drink stood in the opening. He was heavy-set with ursine features that if sober may have given the appearance of steely determination. He tottered with the balance unavailable to the sober, mumbled something to himself and giggled before falling face first onto the platform.
The tones of Mother Russia continued to fill the air.
“Ka…..lin….ka, Ka….lin….ka……..”
The undernourished teens began to perform a weak limbed Cossack dance. Squatting on haunches. Right legs flung forward. Pulled back. Left legs flung forward. Pulled back. Very large furry hats slipping over sallow eyes. Fall over. Repeat.
“Kalinka. Kalinka……” the tempo of the music increased, the dancing became more chaotic and decidedly weak ankled. Blood seeped from the prone drunks mouth.
The troupe stumbled and slipped to the far end of the platform and lemming like fell off in the gorse abyss that lay beyond.
“Kalinka -Kalinka-Kalinka-Moya!”
The song continued in its Cyrillic glory whilst the group of furry hatted urchins did battle with the undergrowth.
Silence. Traffic could be heard in the background. That and the drunk man’s incoherent cedilla laden ramblings. There was unease amongst the crowd. A woman stepped forward, crouched down and tapped him on the shoulder.
“Mr Gordyetski – on behalf of the Stonehouse Friends Of Russia Group, may I welcome you…….I think he needs an ambulance.”
As the group of woebegone Dancers finally clambered onto the platform, it was common for all to see that their number had swollen by one. A Zulu warrior carrying shield and spear.
“I knew we were one short when they fell off the platform last year,” a voice muttered.
The same voice spoke again. “Lads, could you just check to see if there is a Morris Dancer lurking in the undergrowth. And a bloke in Lederhosen. Cheers.”
Hope you enjoyed the story – here is a rousing version of Kalinka
And here is some amazing Red Army Cossacky type dancing (A young Oily George is playing the accordion)
Gingerfightback can reveal that legendary songsmith, drinker and toothless marvel Shane McGowan has joined the world famous Oirish Dance Show.
The show now known as Liverdance, will be an homage to the fabled Irishman’s drinking exploits and ability to muster even a syllable after three days on the creme de menthe.
His friend Paddy Magillicuddy-Reeks told Gfb, “Begorrah, shillelagh, bacon and cabbage, Guinness, famine, English Bastards! Top o’ the morn to ye all, Daniel O’Donnell, leprechauns up me crack! – it’ll be grand so it will. Shaney’s in top form – his fleckel is a sight for sore eyes and he recently did the splits after a three year bender in Tip. Didn’t spill a drop neither. Legend.”
Queen Liz of England is a great fan of McGowan’s songs about the Irish diaspora and has donned traditional Oirish Garb to make sure she can get a ticket for the show.
Ginny Bunty In-Bred, keeper of the Queen’s knuckles told Gfb, “Liz is highly excited about the news. She has a real empathy for the Micks and promises to be ruling you all again in a few years time. Whoops I shouldn’t have said that last bit. Invasion plans were meant to be secret. Can we not mention that. There’s a knighthood in it for you, Pleb looking chap if you keep schtum.”
“Top Of One’s Morning To One”
Well here’s a couple of examples of Shanes’s handiwork.
The regular reader of Gfb will know that we have followed the new career of legendary comedian, game show host and meat pie enthusiast, Jim “Look At What You Could Have Won” Bowen as a limbo dancer.
Bowen has made it onto Team Limbo GB for the Olympics, which should be starting next week with a bit of luck.
He has been installed as second favourite in the Individual Lean With Bandana category of the sport. His main opposition is from the legend that is Dolly Parton, which is surprising.
Classic 70’s movie making in which the now legendary Chico Chicken, struts his stuff in cockle doodletastic fashion. Crowds flocked to see it.
There is a sad end when Chico ends up as a KFC Family Bucket for his main protagonist, David Niven, (playing his last major screen role) who cavorts around with a Wagon Wheel on his head.
With music by the Bee Gees including the classic ditty “Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha Layin’ Tonight, Layin’ Tonight,” SNC became a box office smash.
Here’s what the critics said,
“You’ll believe a chicken can dance,” The Delaware Doubter.
“Chico Chicken has been plucked from obscurity to international superstardom” The New York Times
“The most realistic depiction of chickens dancing to disco music I have ever seen!” The Houston Chronicle.
Morris Dancing, the age-old English folk dance beloved by men forbidden a train set by their wives, is set for a boost in the popularity stakes as the evil death cult of Zumba wanes.
Speaking to style guru Helena Knobbly-Knee, Gfb has learnt that the number of participants in Morris Troops (known in the vernacular as a “Sad of Morrisers”) has grown in the past few months. “Ya, ya,” Helena muttered through her wooden horse head, “Mowwis Dancing is all the wage this yaar. So errfy, so twibal.Vewwy vewwy exciting.”
Gimp Morrising
Trelawney Hose, Chief Bladder Basher of the St Ives Morris Troop, based in Cornwall, England, explained the growing popularity of Morris in cities, “Fiddly dee, foddly doh tippity tippity la, la, la.” He said before bashing himself with an inflated pigs bladder and then projectile vomiting the 23 pints of Throbwell’s Ringroaster he had drunk as a traditional warm up. “Fertility symbol I am,” he mumbled somewhat implausibly before staggering away, his bells peeling a jaunty refrain.
There are signs that Morris Dancing is set for a street revolution with a number of Morris “Crews” springing up in the tough ghettos of East London. MC Nonny Hay Hay, when interviewed by Gfb said, “It’s sick innit? Hey nonny nonny, nonny hey hey, aks me some respeck Bro or I’ll shank ya with me Cumberland sausage.”
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