Posts Tagged ‘Crooners’

Save the Planet! is their cry, Save the Polar Bear, Seal, Whale and Val Doonican! And how do they propose to do it?

If We Don't Act Now On Climate Change Ginger Mussels Are At Risk


We have received a copy of a paper presented to the Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire.

The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref; LDEH 10/08543236/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that shows Gingers have, on average, fifty percent less carbon in their bodies than non Gingers. It also indicates that controlled mass freckle release could aerate the earth’s atmosphere by 3%.

Gingers are a more efficient burning material than dinosaurs or your next door neighbour’s shower curtain.

The idea is controversial as Parapapompom admits, “But if we can secure the future of humankind and those lovely big eyed seals and fluffy polar bears by burning a few carrot tops, surely it is worth it?”

He went on, “We would recommend a seven tendril burn ratio in order to create initial heating and disposal requirements. Ash can be used to propagate food stations for Ginger cropping zones. It is considered feasible that this programme could breed red-haired people for eating (The McGinger has proved popular with focus groups) thus helping solve the world’s food production crisis as well! Ginger meat is leaner than Ostrich and makes a fine stew. Especially with dumplings.”

Breeder farms (AKA Cropping Areas) would be established in North West Africa where cropped Gingers would be used to fire specially constructed power stations GFPS (Ginger Fired Power Stations). Negotiations between the Moroccan, French and Spanish governments are underway.

Cooling Towers are to be disguised as giant ice cream cones.

Gfb also understand that the IHS has already been tasked with preparing feasibility studies for the use of Ginger skeletons as a basis for a nutritious soup, Gingerstrone.

Commenting on this option, the shadowy Organisation for African Backhanders said, “We have the room and the wherewithal for Ginger cropping. We love soup as well. Win! Win!”

Burning Gingers is not a recent phenomenon.

Aliens Mock Our Attempts To Reduce Carbon Emissions

Queen Victoria was a keen advocate of Ginger fires, as revealed in her private diaries. Her entry of November 12th 1846 states, “I do wish Albert would desist from fiddling with that chain around his vitals and turn his inventive mind to how we can burn more redheads to keep ourselves warm in Sandringham. It is perishing here.”

It's His Planet Too!

Prince Albert having completed his plans for his Great Genital Exhibition (Genital was removed as a peon to sensitivities at the time) ordered the establishment of The Ginger Commission of 1848.

The Commission, chaired by Lord St John of The Trouserpress, investigated the whole issue of firing Gingers and whilst the Quaker member (Nathaniel Tingaling) fiercely objected to the practice, Farmers, Chimney makers, bobble hat weavers and men known as “Red Tom” pressed for the practice to be retained.

As Ginger children were barred from picking horses teeth for food (a major source of nutrition at the time) or climb chimneys for soot supplements, they  earned a living by using their body parts as a kindle for fires in the homes of the landed gentry.

The famous Victorian nursery rhyme “Wobbly One Legged Ginger” captures the essence of the hordes of unbalanced redheads tottering around the countryside during this period.

“But pity the poor lass and careful you don’t singe her,

Don’t worry sir! For we’re to fire this Ginger!”

The Commission concluded;

“Without the practice of firing, there is a real danger that licentiousness, abundant in Ginger people, will percolate through the entire labouring classes and they will seek full retribution from us. The Rich.

Sooty Needs Our Help!

Furthermore it is entirely reasonable and consistent with the laws set out in Holy Scriptures (The Book of Relevavavations, Chapter 3 Verses 2-5 – “For Seth, despairing of the cold winds shook his fist in mighty anger at the red skies and bade the Lord “Fire in the red sky! It is no more than they deserve, Oh Lord”).

It is apposite and honourable that the burning of Gingers should continue as they offer a fruity tang to the malodorous air of London.”

Burning Gingers only lost its attraction when the more efficient practice of burning moustaches became widespread in the Edwardian era.

It is incredible to think that some of the finest minds on the planet are seriously advocating once more the super heating of other human beings as a means to tackle Climate Change.

Gfb salutes the brave men and women who gave their lives to bring this story to you. Much of it made up.

If Not For You At Least For Val

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