Posts Tagged ‘Crime’

Hi Kids,

Christmas can be a tricky time for opiate users!

cupboard crackhead copy


My former dealer Dinsdale used to pack up shop and head off to the lovely island of Santorini to help an archeological dig over the Holiday period.  Always good to have a hobby don’t you think.

Anyway as my supply of Class A’s dried up for a few days I was forced to use my imagination as to what to snort, sniff, inject or smoke to attain an alternative level of consciousness.

So, if you find yourself stuck this yuletide in the search for narcotics heaven, here are a few ideas;

  • Snort a bauble
  • Smoke ground up tinsel (the hallucinogenic quality of tinsel has long been overlooked.)
  • Rob a neighbour
  • Place a large Turkey on your head and breathe its decaying fumes After 4 days the high is extraordinary!

Christmas Crack Pudding is lovely too.  Make sure it is locally sourced though.

Merry Christmas!

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Dear Aunty Bill,

Recently, shoplifting in my local Oxfam, I came across the debut LP by those seminal rockers The Edgar Winter Group. I hurried home in a state of high dudgeon looking forward to blasting out “Frankenstein” and “Free Ride” and enjoying a few glasses of Sanatogen Tonic wine.

You can imagine my disappointment when on returning home and slipping the LP from its cover out comes a copy of Bernie Winters flop 1972 album “Here’s Bernie!”

Where do I stand in relation to the Sale of Goods Act( 1979) and the Misselling of Goods Act (1979).

Tooth Stained Rocker, Waltham Abbey

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tooth Stained Rocker,

I understand your disappointment (and overlooking your reprehensible actions) it’s not all bad.

Whilst his brother Mike and his dog, Schnorbitz ventured to LA and made a fortune from blancmange (their potato and Bonio surprise was light years ahead of its time), Bernie remained in the UK to endlessly repeat his catch phrases of “I’ll Smash Yer Face In” and ”Choochy Face” .

It was during this period he recorded “Here’s Bernie!” a moribund collection of songs celebrating mediocrity. Here is the theme tune for you to listen to if you dare!

Not easy listening but on closer inspection a metaphor for life. You may enjoy “One size fits all” a melancholic tale of forgetting to turn the gas off before going on holiday.

Who could fail to be moved by the Dylanesque undercurrent of “She was only the Admiral’s daughter but her naval base was always full of sea men”, a tale of unrequited love amongst the press ganged lovers of double entendres.

This could be the best shoplifting mistake you ever made.

Ahoy There Me Hearties!

Aunty Bill

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“Tonight he swims wid da Gingers”

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