Crackhead in the Cupboard’s – “Christmas Drug Tips”

Hi Kids,

Christmas can be a tricky time for opiate users!

 

My former dealer Dinsdale used to pack up shop and head off to the lovely island of Santorini to help an archeological dig over the Holiday period.  Always good to have a hobby don’t you think.

Anyway as my supply of Class A’s dried up for a few days I was forced to use my imagination as to what to snort, sniff, inject or smoke to attain an alternative level of consciousness.

So, if you find yourself stuck this yuletide in the search for narcotics heaven, here are a few ideas;

• Snort a bauble
• Smoke ground up tinsel (the hallucinogenic quality of tinsel has long been overlooked.)
• Rob a neighbour
• Place a large Turkey on your head and breathe its decaying fumes After 4 days the high is extraordinary!

Christmas Crack Pudding is lovely too.  Make sure it is locally sourced though.

Merry Christmas!

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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My 5 A Day Diet! By Crackhead in the Cupboard

As you know we are always being told to have 5 a day! I couldn’t agree more!

 

I recommend a Marijuana, Vodka, Crack, Speed, Smack sandwich – on locally sourced Wholegrain naturally.

No butter as it is bad for the heart.

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Crackhead in the Cupboard Says – Give Blood To Save Lives!

Hi Kids,

Giving blood is one of the best things we can do to help others!

 

Unfortunately due to my shared needle experience in years past (another money saving tip for a future post) my blood is not exactly top-notch – but every cloud has a silver lining and the local butcher, Chortling Charlie – a man with an outstanding track record in the preparation of contaminated meat products can always find a use for a pint or two of me old red stuff.

His Crack Pudding is worth dieing for.

Locally sourced and keeping the air miles to a minimum. Organic food as it should be.

So Kids – If you can’t donate blood – why not have  a word with your butcher?

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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Crackhead In The Cupboard Says; “Follow Your Dreams!”

Hi Kids,

Take yer old Uncle Crackhead’s advice and follow your dreams!

 

I was a concert pianist feted all over the world for my talent and humility. But all I really wanted to be was a Crackhead In A Cupboard! And with perseverance, hard work, petty theft and a descent into hell I achieved my dream!

So kids if you work hard, really believe in your dreams then take it from me  – They Do Come True!

 

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Rob Ford, Mayor Of Toronto Loves A Sausage! Sausage Request #48

Hello!

This is a first! We’ve been asked to “sausage” Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto and by all accounts a bit of a lad for the second time!

Brilliant writer and embarrassed Canadian, Trent Lewin asked for some further sausagification of a man who has disgraced himself, Toronto and Canada!

Here is Rob wearing his ceremonial sausage and crack pipe.

And here is Rob demonstrating his famous “sausage through my brain” party trick!

And now Rob drives a sausage vertically through his brain as well!

 

IS THERE ANYONE OR ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE A SAUSAGE APPLIED TO?

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