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My Dearest food lovers. I remain in prison in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. My appeal has fallen on deaf ears it would appear although it would my truffle remains highly prized by La Randy Prison Gouveneur! Which naturally leads to a question about sprouts.

Joyeux Noel to you all.
Le Fanny Rougecrack
Dear Fanny,

Sprouts Fanny, sprouts? Why oh why?

On what’s supposed to be the happiest day of the year, why do we have to sit with a steaming mash of stinking green sludge on the dinner table? We never eat them any other time of the year. By the smells emanating from our dog during The Queen’s Speech, he’s the only one in the family who eats them.

Can you let me know how to jazz them up a bit.

Mary, Bromsgrove.
Dearest Mary,

Ever since I was force fed them as a little boy, I’ve had nightmares about the horrid little things. But all is not lost my dear. For I have created a recipe that will have the whole family crying out for seconds!

Using a food processor, finely slice your sprouts and set aside.

Add a little olive oil to a hot pan and add some smoked diced bacon.

Fry until the bacon is crispy and remove from the pan.

Tip away any excess fat.

Add chopped shallots, half a glass of dry white wine to the sprouts and chuck in the frying pan.

Simmer for a few minutes then add a half pint of chicken stock.

Simmer for a further 6 minutes.

Stir in a tablespoon of creme fraiche, add the bacon and serve.

Delicious!

Les Miserables Fanny (Hugh Jackman! What a dish!)

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As regular readers will know, each year Fanny writes the same story from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. Despite the ongoing advances of Le Prison Gouveneur, she remains in good spirits (100% proof vodka).

Dear Fanny,

My wife left me this week because she found out I’m quite fond of dressing up as a quiche. This didn’t go down too well at our daughter’s nativity play and wifey chose to leave me.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve got a 32lb turkey defrosting for the big day and I’m at a loss as to what to do with the leftovers.

I’ve decided to wear a crabstick on New Years Eve!

Paul, Upper Ramsbottom.

Dear Paul.

As I write from my cell I can’t help but think of you in your quiche and what a fine sight that would be.

Unfortunately I’m resigned to spending my Yuletide in the company of miscreants. Alas all is not lost as my cell mate, Marcledreuxleix, has brewed a rather fine batch of hooch made from fermented snail urine, scrotum shavings and leftover hard boiled eggs. Mmmmmmm…………..

Boxing day Turkey, Ham, Leek and Tarragon Pie.

Combine cooked leeks, a splash of white wine, half a cup of chicken stock.

Add your leftover turkey and ham, simmer then add creme fraiche and chopped tarragon. Heat and serve topped with a (shop bought puff pastry) crispy, golden brown pie lid.

Scrummy

Merry Noel!

Le Rougecrack

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My Dearest food lovers. I remain in prison in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. My appeal has fallen on deaf ears it would appear although it would my truffle remains highly prized by La Randy Prison Gouveneur! Which naturally leads to a question about sprouts.

Joyeux Noel to you all.
Le Fanny Rougecrack
Dear Fanny,

Sprouts Fanny, sprouts? Why oh why?

On what’s supposed to be the happiest day of the year, why do we have to sit with a steaming mash of stinking green sludge on the dinner table? We never eat them any other time of the year. By the smells emanating from our dog during The Queen’s Speech, he’s the only one in the family who eats them.

Can you let me know how to jazz them up a bit.

Mary, Bromsgrove.
Dearest Mary,

Ever since I was force fed them as a little boy, I’ve had nightmares about the horrid little things. But all is not lost my dear. For I have created a recipe that will have the whole family crying out for seconds!

Using a food processor, finely slice your sprouts and set aside.

Add a little olive oil to a hot pan and add some smoked diced bacon.

Fry until the bacon is crispy and remove from the pan.

Tip away any excess fat.

Add chopped shallots, half a glass of dry white wine to the sprouts and chuck in the frying pan.

Simmer for a few minutes then add a half pint of chicken stock.

Simmer for a further 6 minutes.

Stir in a tablespoon of creme fraiche, add the bacon and serve.

Delicious!

Les Miserables Fanny (Hugh Jackman! What a dish!)

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bobonthepot_Cosmopolitan

Hello,

The weather in On The Potland

With hot weather comes the need to cook outdoors. Specifically a barbecue. For those of you who are foreign firstly, I don’t hold it against you  and secondly you must understand that Barbecue’s are a recent phenomenonenonenonenon here in the UK because microwaving is our traditional way of cooking.  Obviously I’ve tried to Barbecue with a microwave oven, but the oven melts a bit.

Making a barbecuing microwave oven with backlit charcoal surround is on my list of things to do, in between Row The Atlantic and Visit The Dentist.

Any road up, we had a BBQ on Saturday. My lovely wife Shirley, whose topless sunbathing can still be seen on Google Earth despite her writing to the NSA and GCHQ, invited our neighbours Gwen and Martin Tidsdale.

I’d forgotten that Martin is a food inspector for the local Council. Before you could say, “I’d give the chicken another ten minutes Bob, there’s blood seeping out of this one,” he’s slapped a food safety notice on me and chided me for drinking my Croation imported lager whilst handling raw food. Not exactly a barrel of laughs is Martin. Been hit with the ugly stick to.

“Fat Twat!” Shirley jokingly called me as she poked the snapped cork into her bottle of Estonian Pinot Grigio.  Wine with cork bits floating in it always looks appealing to me. Tastes better too. More body.

Didn’t stop her knocking it back. Then she started wailing, “Last Christmas” by Wham. Martin tried to serve a noise abatement notice on her. He’s not a Wham fan. But that’s my Shirley!

A drunkard.

Funnily enough, ever since  the Barbie I’ve been in the smallest room for hours on end taking with me a nice roll of Andrex that has been in the chest freezer for a day or two.  I should have given that chicken five more minutes.

Think I’ll put the Barbie away. Stick to the microwave. Food you can trust.

Laters

Bob

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Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Benny
Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.

Ingredients:

Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.

Cream

1 large spliff

Chill.

Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.

Fannois

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As regular readers will know, Fanny writes from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. Despite the ongoing advances of Le Prison Gouveneur, she remains in good spirits, mostly 100% proof vodka. Here is another Christmas cooking tip.

Dear Fanny,

My wife left me this week because she found out I’m quite fond of dressing up as a lady of the night. This didn’t go down too well at our daughter’s nativity play and wifey chose to leave me.

Anyway, the problem is I’ve got a 32lb turkey defrosting for the big day and I’m at a loss as to what to do with the leftovers. I’ve got a lovely little black and gold trim negligee to wear on New Years Eve!

Paul, Upper Ramsbottom.

Dear Paul.

As I write from my cell I can’t help but think of you in your negligee and what a fine sight that would be.

Unfortunately I’m resigned to spending my Yuletide in the company of miscreants. Alas all is not lost as my cell mate, Marcledreuxleix, has brewed a rather fine batch of hooch made from fermented snail urine, scrotul cornflakes and leftover hard boiled eggs. Marvellous!!

Boxing day Turkey, Ham, Leek and Tarragon Pie.

Combine cooked leeks, a splash of white wine, half a cup of chicken stock.

Add your leftover turkey and ham, simmer then add creme fraiche and chopped tarragon. Heat and serve topped with a (shop bought puff pastry) crispy, golden brown pie lid.

Scrummy

Merry Noel!

Le Rougecrack

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