I Ate The Roof So My Mum Sold Me To The Milkman! Help Aunty Bill!

Here To Help – Here To Care

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the milkfloat, they could be seen across Britain pulling the wagon while milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll see the pounds fall away and be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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I am in love with my neighbour’s pond – How should I woo it Aunty Bill?

Here To Help – Here To Care

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I am in love with my neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed.

How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

Just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Water Feature love isn’t as unusual as you might think. A cousin of mine once had a torrid affair with a friend’s garden sprinkler. Only at night though. There was a hose pipe ban at the time,

I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Demonstrate your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration procedures. A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should show that your intentions are honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

 

 

 

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Fanny Redcrack’s Christmas Cookery Class – Back By Popular Demand! (Sort Of)

SHE’S BACK!

My Dearest foodlovers. I write today from my prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. One had tried to explain to the arresting Gendarme that what one had found down one’s drawers might resemble a Perigord black truffle but was, alas, a rather invasive little growth that had become detached from one’s person. Anyway, after several “meetings” in the prison laundrette Le Prison Gouveneur has very kindly allowed me to answer some of your Christmas queries.

Joyeux Noel to you all and the Free Fanny campaign goes from strength to strength!

Le Fanny Rougecrack

Dear Fanny.

It’s that time of year again when as a family we have to endure a whole day with my wife’s 96 year old Mother. She does nothing but moan. I don’t why we bother sometimes.  Goodwill to all blah..de..blah but quite frankly I’m sick of her. How can I avoid her all day without making it too obvious that I can’t stand her.

Happy Christmas,

Dave from Dundee

Fanny Replies

Dear Dave,

Give her a glass of sherry, stick a paper hat on her head and sit her in the corner. Check vital signs every twenty minutes or so.

Regardez Fanny

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Fanny Redcrack’s Christmas Cooking Guide For Festive Fun and Frolics!

SHE’S BACK!

My Dearest foodlovers. I write today from a prison cell in Nice, awaiting sentence for truffle smuggling. One had tried to explain to the arresting Gendarme that what one had found down one’s drawers might resemble a Perigord black truffle but was, alas, a rather invasive little growth that had become detached from one’s person. Anyway, after several “meetings” in the prison laundrette Le Prison Gouveneur has very kindly allowed me to answer some of your Christmas queries.

Joyeux Noel to you all.

 

Le Fanny Rougecrack

Dear Fanny.

It’s that time of year again when as a family we have to endure a whole day with my wife’s 96 year old Mother. She does nothing but moan. I don’t why we bother sometimes.  Goodwill to all blah..de..blah but quite frankly I’m sick of her. How can I avoid her all day without making it too obvious that I can’t stand her.

Happy Christmas,

Dave from Dundee

Fanny Replies 

Dear Dave,

An age old dilemma. Let’s face it the chances of her being there for many more are diminishing by the day. So I suggest you bite your lip and give the old dear a Christmas she’ll never forget.

Give her a glass of sherry, stick a hat on her head and sit her in the corner.

Regardez Fanny

More Fanny (with cookery tips!) can be found here!

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Ginger Cooking Tips – With Fanny Redcrack

Sweet Fanny Adams

Gfb’s cookery advisor Fanny Redcrack is here to help you with some cooking tips.

As the world’s leading exponent of cooking with opiates, her world renowned Crack Of Lamb is to die for, Fanny is on hand to add some real spice to basic recipes.

She found ten minutes away from her bong to answer this query.

Eat Up!

Dear Fanny

Blancmange. What’s that all about then?

Clive Seatbelt, Merseyside.

Dear Clive.

Whilst researching my new book,”Fanny Galore! The Woman Behind The Whisk” I came across this fascinating tale.

After a successful encore of Blind Vision at Milton Keynes Town Hall, life was good for pop combo Blancmange. Their album Mange Tout was flying high at number 8 in the U.K charts and lead singer Neil Arthur, returned to the newly opened Milton Keynes Travelstay Motel determined to party.

Neil phoned reception and ordered a celebratory pudding.

The night chef had been on the Skol all night,  got a little bleary eyed and inadvertently  a dessert was born!

60ml of cornflour

1 Pint of full fat milk

Lemon rind

45ml of caster sugar

Blend 30ml of milk with the cornflour. Heat the milk, sugar and lemon to boiling point, add the cornflour mix. Bring back up to boil. Pour into ramekins. Chill for 3 hrs. Serve with fruit.

Keep Rockin!

Fanny

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Ginger Heartache – Aunty Bill’s Remedy For Malady

Here To Help – Here To Care

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.

A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

As the nation’s leading Transgender Agony Aunt/Uncle, Aunty Bill is here to help. If you have a problem with affairs of the heart or just need advice, drop him/her a line and he/she will be happy to help.

Replies may take a little time as he/she is currently in the medical unit at his/her open prison in Worcestershire undergoing some lovely transformative surgery.

A Way To A Transvestite’s Heart…..

Aunty Bill,

Are you a vegetarian? My mum reckons you are.

Alan, Santiago

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Alan,

Mums! Dontcha just love ’em?

She’s right of course. I had a rather nasty experience with an old piece of shrivelled pork many years ago (don’t ask). Ever since I have been totally meat free.

Nuts, berries & nettles are my staples these days although recently I have become partial to a slice of Ugli fruit before bedtime. One of the great things about a meat free diet is how great you feel about saving the lickle sheeps and lambs from the threat of immediate slaughter.

One of the downsides is Rickets and calcium deficiency. So it is important to drink lots of milk if you decide to give up meat, otherwise your teeth/hair/legs could fall off or out.

Here’s my recipe for nettle surprise which I sometimes cook for the wing :

Nettles (lots)

Water (5 gals)

Sugar (8lbs)

Rice (as much as you can lay your hands on)

Bubblegum (2 packets)

Wash and chop the nettles (wear gloves!)

Boil water then when boiled at nettles, sugar & rice

Simmer for 5 hours

Strain resulting mess well, add bubble gum to garnish and serve immediately.

The juice can be stored and used to clean the limescale from sinks & toilets (make sure you store well away from sunlight and do not expose to naked flame)

Enjoy!

Aunty Bill

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

All the best with your endeavours

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Cooking Tips – With Fanny Redcrack

Fanny Redcrack - Cook and Bull

Fanny Redcrack is famed for her groundbreaking TV cookery programmes in the 1960’s (her egg and amphetamine omelette is still the stuff of legend amongst the Wiltshire and South Gloucestershire Teepee community).

Fanny’s cookery skills are now at your disposal.

Eat up!

Dear Mrs Redcrack,

My mommy has promised me a new BMX bike if I win the local church’s ‘Bakeagingerbreadmanathonacompetition’ but I can’t be arsed looking for a recipe.

You got any?

Jimmy (8 and a half), Tipton

Dear Dear Jimmy,

You brought a tear to my eye young man. For as a young boy myself I too was a cheeky little sod. But as I blossomed into a young lady, I realised the importance of learning how to run one’s home.

Of course by the time I had children,  Serge The Gingerbread man was a regular visitor to our kitchen. As was Terry The Milkman, Bert The Coal Man and Neville The Gardener (I still tingle at his potting skills).

So Jimmy – Gingerbread Men!

Mix;

12oz of plain flour,

6oz light brown sugar,

4oz butter

1 teaspoon of bicarb of soda.

Add 4 tablespoons of golden syrup and 1.5 teaspoons of ground ginger. Roll and cut.

Bake.

Top with a little grated sweetened carrot to really wow the judges.

Bon Chance!

Fanny

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Ginger Heartache – Aunty Bill Is Here!

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many. We hope you too may find some closure with his/her inspirational advice.

A Griddle Riddle

Hello Aunty Bill!

I like The Wire my boyfriend don’t.

We had a row about it and I hit him with the nearest metallic object that came to hand. Now his face has the indents of a griddle pan. Consequently I now find him repulsive and useful only when I want a healthy way to cook meat. Should I dump him?

Shirley, Manitoba

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Shirley,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on your good taste. The Wire is one of my favourites too. Filmed in Baltimore y’know.

Baltimore is where it all went wrong for me. American juries ain’t that gullible you know. My protestations that I was unaware it was a pantomime horse fell on deaf ears.

But hey! That was a long time ago and you’ve got problems of your own to be addressed.

Only really two ways out of this one Shirl and I’m gonna give it to you straight.

Guys whose faces you can cook on come along only once in a lifetime. So, it may be worthwhile hanging on to this fella and bringing him out when you fancy a nice seared Tuna steak or some other tasty low fat cutlet of meat. Imagine the surprise on your friends faces when he appears from the cupboard under the stairs to cook their favourite dish!

However if you find his facial disfigurement too ghastly to live with you maybe interested in http://www.you’llalwaysfindmeinthekitchenatparties.com– a dating service for those disfigured by kitchen accidents (check out the “Cutlery Corner” section of the site).

It may well be that he would be better off with a victim of a blender accident or some such, leaving you to enjoy the delights of The Wire on your own and for him to ride (or limp) into the sunset with a new similarly culinary challenged partner.

Only you can decide  – good luck!

Best wishes

Aunty Bill

Doctor In The House!

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer to your predicament is yes.

For sometime now, Scientists have been aware of the link between watching medical programmes and pregnancy.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (How to Look Good Naked and Embarrassing Bodies are two to avoid, unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Although it is not certain she will give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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