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Posts Tagged ‘Coalition’

Gfb has received a copy of a secret Government letter outlining the Coalition Government’s future plans for the Welfare State.

The letter entitled, “Have A Bang On This Little Number!” was hand written by the Secretary of State for Work and Fuckery, Iain Drunken-Spliff on parchment comprising 32 King Size Rizlas. The papers were assembled by benefit claimants in Grimsby as part of the “Licking Scroungers into Shape” programme.

It reveals a harsh future regime of benefits conditionality, as well as plans to extradite convicted benefit cheats to “Jockland” in what Duncan-Spliff calls a ‘crackdown on shirkers, shysters and roach bandits.”

“I’m not fucking having it anymore,” states Duncan-Spliff,  “These northern layabouts, disableds and lone parents are a real drain on our resources. I wouldn’t mind, but the bankers are really struggling, what with a reduction in bonuses. Two of them couldn’t afford the recently released Pink Floyd Box Set, things are that tough. Man.”

“Look after the pennies…..”

The letter continues;

“The schmucks amongst the voting public still believe that we’re all in this together! If we can victimise and isolate the poorest in as venal a way as possible we will be onto something! Rupert is on board (it is in our interests to keep the heat up on the Hacking scandal) and the “Blame the darkies/slap a Frog” whispering campaign is gathering momentum. Has Osborne pinched my bong?”

Duncan-Spliff’s proposals include;

• Making all new Jobseekers undertake 2 weeks mandatory Lollipop Man/Woman duty. Failure to comply will lead to the claimant’s house being set on fire. With the claimant inside.

• Inviting disabled people for weekly check ups. Physical and Medical examinations will be held in a public gallery with three X-factor style judges scoring them. It will be a mixture of Total Wipeout and The Cube.

“The public will love it,” Duncan-Spliff notes, “A benefits system based on Reality TV! A ratings winner surely.”

• Moving the default pension age to 80. “We’ll save billions!” he states.

• Ex-offenders, drug addicts and feckless youngsters will be chained together and set to work on the Government’s infrastructure projects, such as the new high speed train link from London to Birmingham. “Those train tunnels won’t dig them fucking selves,” he wrote.

Gfb approached Labour “Leader”, Ed Thingy for his reaction to this shocking revelation.

He blathered on for a bit but nobody could be bothered to listen.

“I simply say…….”

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