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Posts Tagged ‘Climate Change’

 

Hello Everyone!

I was round my mate, Middle Class Malcolm’s the other day to help him move his wardrobes around a bit to improve his Feng Shui.

I had to excuse myself for a few minutes to use the facilities. I’ve been a bit bunged up recently. Never suffered from shy stools before, but boy oh boy these lads were a tough nut to crack.

I nearly burst the veins on my forehead with the effort, but there was no shifting them. I decided to have a few moments rest and flicked through the Guardian Malcolm had lent me. I read about the melting Polar Ice Cap. I didn’t realise the world was in such a mess. I shat myself.

At least it cured my constipation!

Broke the door on Malcolm’s wardrobe though. Ying and Yang and all that.

Laters

Bob.

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Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty;

Where I come from, a woman selects her life partner by slapping him/her with a wet haddock. Sadly, due to Climate Change, warming oceans and over fishing, the wet haddock shoal has all but disappeared.

The only thing I can lay my hands on now is a 15 lb lump hammer and am worried that the man I have chosen for the rest of my life, known locally as Ted The Runt, may not withstand the tap of love.

Any tips?

Big Elsie, Stockport

Dear Elsie;

Stop! In the name of love!

Before approaching Ted with the lump hammer (although it sounds like he’s not adverse to a smack on the chops with a heavy implement) have you considered the alternatives?

Haddock does seem to have had its chips but there are a wealth of bottom feeders out there that will adequately do the job. Cheap, ugly and prone to instant decay if not used promptly (bit like Ted’s gnashers I hear) they would make any man fall gratefully onto your ample, heaving bosom (if not shove a couple of pickled eggs up your blouse, goes well with the fish).

Alternatively if you’re having trouble sourcing bottom feeders, a family sized bag of Asdas frozen whole tail scampi should suffice. Cheap and if swung with sufficient force it will have a similar effect to a 15lb hammer.

How about adding a few jars of tartar sauce to the bag for extra effect?

Tartar for now!

Aunty

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Gotta Get Me Some Penguin Lovin’!

Dear Aunty Bill

I recently became a Father for the first time. Is it normal for your first born to be a penguin?

Dense Des,

Des Moines, Boing Boing, Idaho, USA

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Des,

One of the side effects of global warming is the migration of animals from their natural habitats leading to situations exactly like yours. Recent cases have included a women from Sale who gave birth to a whale, a young lass from Ware who gave birth to a bear and a lady in red who gave birth to a bed (not really, I made the last one up).

You’ll be asking yourself; how did my wife meet a penguin?

It is likely that in its long migration from colder climes, little Pingu got lost, swam up your soil stack and bit your wife on the bottom as she was performing her daily ablutions.

This is how Penguins procreate and it is likely that he mistook your wife’s rear end for a mate.

Penguins make a great addition to any family.  Their staple diet is sardines on toast so they are cheap and easy to feed. Just make sure that the bath water is not too hot when you put him to bed.

Don’t blame your wife and accept your new addition as one of your own. Bottle feed rather than breast.

All The Best
Aunty Bill

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Climate Change is evil – Help us save him so he can kill loads of cuddly seals………

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Hello Folks,

Gfb welcomes a new columnist Bob Lewington.

Bob a Bailiff, recently met us when he sought to seize the Leather Cornerpiece (with detachable armrests) I had bought on tick from Matalans the other month.

After a conversation about repayments, Bob asked if he could use the facilities. When he emerged from the smallest room, he commented, “Nice collection of motoring magazines you have to hand Fightback. I always read when I’m on the Pot. It’s an Oasis in an otherwise hectic schedule.”

Happily, Bob agreed not to repossess my Leather Cornerpiece (with detachable armrests) on the proviso that he could contribute to Gfb in some way.

So Bob, Over To You!

Hello Everyone!

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

There was a Guardian Newspaper left in the bog of the house I was repossesing today. Very interesting article about the demise of the Polar Ice Cap. I was worried for a moment.

I also read an article about that Wikileaks fella Julian Lasagna.

Sadly there was no toilet roll………

All the best,

Bob.

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Save the Planet! is their cry, Save the Polar Bear, Seal, Whale and Val Doonican! And how do they propose to do it?

If We Don't Act Now On Climate Change Ginger Mussels Are At Risk

BURNING GINGERS THAT’S HOW!

We have received a copy of a paper presented to the Davos Forum by Lauren Parapapompom, Head of Research for the French Government’s shadowy L’Insistitute D’Ecolologie et Humanananitaire.

The paper entitled “Gingers in a Low Carbon Future” (Ref; LDEH 10/08543236/3) highlights research conducted by the shadowy Institute of Human Smouldering (IHS) that shows Gingers have, on average, fifty percent less carbon in their bodies than non Gingers. It also indicates that controlled mass freckle release could aerate the earth’s atmosphere by 3%.

Gingers are a more efficient burning material than dinosaurs or your next door neighbour’s shower curtain.

The idea is controversial as Parapapompom admits, “But if we can secure the future of humankind and those lovely big eyed seals and fluffy polar bears by burning a few carrot tops, surely it is worth it?”

He went on, “We would recommend a seven tendril burn ratio in order to create initial heating and disposal requirements. Ash can be used to propagate food stations for Ginger cropping zones. It is considered feasible that this programme could breed red-haired people for eating (The McGinger has proved popular with focus groups) thus helping solve the world’s food production crisis as well! Ginger meat is leaner than Ostrich and makes a fine stew. Especially with dumplings.”

Breeder farms (AKA Cropping Areas) would be established in North West Africa where cropped Gingers would be used to fire specially constructed power stations GFPS (Ginger Fired Power Stations). Negotiations between the Moroccan, French and Spanish governments are underway.

Cooling Towers are to be disguised as giant ice cream cones.

Gfb also understand that the IHS has already been tasked with preparing feasibility studies for the use of Ginger skeletons as a basis for a nutritious soup, Gingerstrone.

Commenting on this option, the shadowy Organisation for African Backhanders said, “We have the room and the wherewithal for Ginger cropping. We love soup as well. Win! Win!”

Burning Gingers is not a recent phenomenon.

Aliens Mock Our Attempts To Reduce Carbon Emissions

Queen Victoria was a keen advocate of Ginger fires, as revealed in her private diaries. Her entry of November 12th 1846 states, “I do wish Albert would desist from fiddling with that chain around his vitals and turn his inventive mind to how we can burn more redheads to keep ourselves warm in Sandringham. It is perishing here.”

It's His Planet Too!

Prince Albert having completed his plans for his Great Genital Exhibition (Genital was removed as a peon to sensitivities at the time) ordered the establishment of The Ginger Commission of 1848.

The Commission, chaired by Lord St John of The Trouserpress, investigated the whole issue of firing Gingers and whilst the Quaker member (Nathaniel Tingaling) fiercely objected to the practice, Farmers, Chimney makers, bobble hat weavers and men known as “Red Tom” pressed for the practice to be retained.

As Ginger children were barred from picking horses teeth for food (a major source of nutrition at the time) or climb chimneys for soot supplements, they  earned a living by using their body parts as a kindle for fires in the homes of the landed gentry.

The famous Victorian nursery rhyme “Wobbly One Legged Ginger” captures the essence of the hordes of unbalanced redheads tottering around the countryside during this period.

“But pity the poor lass and careful you don’t singe her,

Don’t worry sir! For we’re to fire this Ginger!”

The Commission concluded;

“Without the practice of firing, there is a real danger that licentiousness, abundant in Ginger people, will percolate through the entire labouring classes and they will seek full retribution from us. The Rich.

Sooty Needs Our Help!

Furthermore it is entirely reasonable and consistent with the laws set out in Holy Scriptures (The Book of Relevavavations, Chapter 3 Verses 2-5 – “For Seth, despairing of the cold winds shook his fist in mighty anger at the red skies and bade the Lord “Fire in the red sky! It is no more than they deserve, Oh Lord”).

It is apposite and honourable that the burning of Gingers should continue as they offer a fruity tang to the malodorous air of London.”

Burning Gingers only lost its attraction when the more efficient practice of burning moustaches became widespread in the Edwardian era.

It is incredible to think that some of the finest minds on the planet are seriously advocating once more the super heating of other human beings as a means to tackle Climate Change.

Gfb salutes the brave men and women who gave their lives to bring this story to you. Much of it made up.

If Not For You At Least For Val

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