Spain Crash Out Of The World Cup! Ginger Sooty In Brazil

 

Ginger Sooty will keep you up to date with all the shenanigans and goings on in Brazil 2014. He filed this from Copacabananananana Beach.

Hello,

“Up comes Carlos Alberto on the right….” Ah yes 1970, the greatest football team ever assembled win the World Cup for the 3rd time and entrenches Brazil as the spiritual home of football.

So with the competition for 2014 in Brazil what could be better? I even donned me Carnival outfit and sashayed to Costa’s for a celebratory decaffeinated coffee – harder than you think when you are a glove puppet.

And why are grown men collecting Panini Stickers? – Got – Got – Need – Need indeed

The opening week has been brilliant.

Every game has had something to drool over, excessive saliva production is common amongst native Portuguese speakers. In fact so much spittle has been produced in Brazil that giant sponges are being used to mop the streets of Rio.

And boy oh boy is obesity popular amongst Latin Americans!

Their have been fine wins for Holland (shaliva shpectaculer) Brazil, Chile, USA, Mexico and Italy.

England managed to string 3 passes together on more than one occasion in their game against Italy but still lost to the Latin Layabouts. The only worry is Wayne Rooney – he looks like he has been partying with some Papua New Guinea head shrinkers such as his bonce diminished from the Oirish spudhead look.

Better Than That Welcome Mat On His Head!

Let’s hope we can beat Uruguay tonight to stay in the competition. If not INVADE this corn beef sweating arse end of South America!

Ahem.

Germany look good but the real shock has been the early demise of reigning champions Spain who lost last night to Chile and are out of the competition.  It’s a shame when a truly great team comes to the natural end of its cycle but boy they were good, possibly the greatest since Brazil 1970. This glove puppet for one will fondly look back on their brand of football inspired by Rudyard Kipling.

Yes Riki Tiki Taka Tava football changed the way we play the game. Forever.

Other Things To Ponder

We all love Iran now – They are not evil nutters hellbent on lobbing a nuclear warhead at us – they are avuncular chaps with beards and a deep commitment to parliamentary democracy. Crap at footie though.

Is the Swiss goalkeeper really made of cheese as some reports suggest?

The Japanese team play ancient Japanese folk melodies on nose flutes to celebrate scoring a goal.

Lionel Messi – the world’s greatest footballer – collects burglar alarms and has over 250 in his shed.

Enjoy the World Cup!

 

 

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The Giant Ginger Haired Statues Of Easter Island – Shock Discovery!

Easter Island.

The very name evokes feeling of, if nothing else, Easter and Islands.

German professor Emeritus Of Made Up Cobblers, Hans Sandwich recently discovered Giant Ginger Haired Statues in the bit of the Island nobody has ever explored before.

“Ven I Valked To Dees Place, I Vos Wery Shocked By Vot I Saw – Dee Giganticsch Gingereisch Shtatchews – Vous Could Have Knockedeish Me Ova Wid A Fedder.” Commented Doctor Sandwich, who also suffers from Capslock syndrome.

Allow yourself to postulate what the discovery of the Giant Ginger Statues Of Easter Island means to the evolution of humankind in Polynesia all those years ago.

A pixelated conundrum for sure…..

Where Are We From?

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Old Tales Retold – The Tight Fisted Traveller

The price of travel these days can be prohibitively expensive.

Yesterday, one of my kidneys fell out of my back passage when I was informed of the  cost of a single train journey between Glasgow and London.

But as the fates would have it – who was on hand to help me reconfigure me innards? It was none other than Contour D. Tour, a man who knows how to Globetrot on the cheap.

“Fine kidney you’ve got there Fightback – sold one of mine in India to buy a Honda Goldwing. Crashed the damn thing outside Mumbai. But, if you run out of cash body parts always fetch a tidy sum.”

He thrust a copy of his book – Tetanus Jab? Your Having A Laugh! – in my hand. It is a short volume that recounts a number of his free adventures around the world.

Here, we abridge his recent journey to Chile.  You may find some of the methods useful when planning your next family holiday.

Day 1 – London Paddington – Board the Plymouth train early and ticketless. Locked myself in a toilet. Hang an Out of Order sign on the door. If anybody knocked I made out I was Voodoo. Soon scared ’em off.

Day 1 – Plymouth Docks – Smuggled myself onto a Mackerel fishing boat. Plymouth has a great maritime history Drake, Pilgrim Fathers, Columbus, Kontiki, St Patrick, Britney Spears and the Canoeists from the opening credits of Hawaii 5-0 have all sailed from here.

Day 2 English Channel – As a stowaway on a Mackerel ketch there is not much to do.  I while away the time singing a few Shantys. Airs such as “There’s A Maiden With Scurvy Waitin’ For Me In Nantucket”, “Break Out The Grog For Johnny’s Tinkle” and “I’m Not Chesty Nancy Just Got A Touch O’Consumption”, ease the passage of time.

Day 4 – Bay of Biscay – Jump ship. I bobbed in the Bay for a day or two.  A Portuguese man-o’-war kept me company. Friendly little thing. Word of advice though. Don’t stroke one! I refuse offers of rescue from several passing cargo ships and a slightly camp Armenian gun smuggler – for South America is my destination!

Day 5/6/7 – Still bobbing in the Bay.

A Great Place To Bob

Day 8 – Finally picked up! The SS Abomination sails under the flag of Liberia and is steaming toward Montevideo with a cargo of head lice to be sold at auction. The Captain (a Breton bereft of eyebrows with a deep attachment to the music of Barry White) invites me to honour the Walrus of Love each night. Happy to oblige as I too am a fan.

Day 17 – Arrive Montevideo – itching to buggery and shorn of all hair. Quarantined for two weeks whilst the lice debacle is resolved. Locals hurl tins of corned beef at us. We hurl nit combs. I shout “Graf Spee” at them – that settles their collaborating hash!

Day 31 – Find out that Uruguayans have no immunity to head lice – half the population wiped out within 72 hours. I jump into the River Plate and bob in the briny waiting for a friendly Argentinean steam packet to carry me to shore.

Scratch!

Day 32 – Picked up by Argentinean tea towel smuggler Osvaldo Kempes who once inadvertently sniffed Diego Maradona’s crotch. Nice man Osvaldo – he gave me food and shelter; I gave him nits and a fine toothed comb.

Day 33 – Buenos Aires Central Station – There are no trains to Santiago. Damn. Seek out Bus Station. Find bus bound for Santiago.  Disguise myself as a luggage rack.

A True Red!

Day 35 Chilean Border – The Chilean Border Guards are suspicious of my claims to be a luggage rack. They describe me as “El Scabby” or even more worryingly “El Leper”. To assuage their concerns I play them “Elvis – The Pan Pipe Years” from my trusty IPod. “Return To Sender” goes down a storm. I gift the IPod to them! As simple peasants they are grateful for any gift from a white man!

They wave me through, with hugs and pats on the back. I look back to see them in the earliest stages of scalp mange.

Day 36. Thank heavens Chile is, in geographical terms, anorexic. I have arrived!

Price Comparison – YOU DECIDE!

London Heathrow – Santiago

British Airways – £920 (including taxes)

Time – 22 hours 50 minutes

Tight Fisted Traveller

Free (including taxes)

Time – 864 hours 17 minutes

We think you will agree that TFT’s approach is a bargain!

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