Posts Tagged ‘Children’



To make sense of this story read Part 1 here.

Our hero continues his journey to Home Town…………..

My attention was drawn away from the mackerel smack, which had begun to list heavily, by a woman who had appeared at the entrance to the carriage. She too wore white foundation and poorly applied black eyeliner and was dragging rather theatrically, a large invisible load behind her. My neighbour peered over the top of his newspaper to watch.

As befits a gentleman I stood up.

“Would you like some help?” I said.

“Thank you, most kind.” She smiled. There was a pea stuck between her front teeth.

The imaginary suitcase was much heavier than it looked and I struggled to stow it in the overhead rack, jiggling with it repeatedly to ensure a secure stowing had indeed been effected. After I had managed to do so, I dabbed my forehead with a faux handkerchief. She nodded her thanks, sat and became engrossed in imaginary knitting; casting off and pearling like a good ‘un. I think it was a scarf or maybe the arm of a jumper or cardigan. I could not be sure.

I felt a twinge in my back as a result of my muscular chivalry. Been a martyr to my back since an early age.

I looked out to Sea and noticed that the spot where once a Smack puttered homeward, was now merely a glut of dead mackerel floating on the water’s surface. Gulls swarmed around this unexpected feast. The crew were now confined to Davey Jones Locket. Or is it Locker? I always get the two mixed up!

We pulled into Piddle Station, where another human statue was located on the platform. It was Napoleon.  My favourite tyrant. The artiste bore an uncanny resemblance to the pudgy faced Corsican.

A woman boarded at Piddle. She spoke, “There, there Geoffrey, I’ll feed you in a minute.”

The woman wore rouge, eyeliner and also a shiny red clown’s nose. She carefully guided an imaginary pushchair down the aisle and spoke softly to its occupant, presumably Baby Geoffrey. Who was invisible.

She sat near the elderly couple and carefully picked up Invisible Baby Geoffrey, cooing to him, even bouncing the tot up and down, smiling as she did so. There was a baked bean stuck between her teeth. The old couple joined in and all three of them pulled strange faces and made gurgling noises at the fantasy infant.

“Do you mind if I feed him?” the woman asked.

“Not at all!” replied the old woman, although the old man flushed when it became apparent that Invisible Baby Geoffrey was still on the breast.

The old man looked at his wife and exclaimed, “Maureen look, the child carries the number of the beast!”

The skies blackened for a fleeting moment as Invisible, possibly satanic, Baby Geoffrey stared at me. If I could have seen his face no doubt I would have been very shaken.

Luckily, things settled down and the train rumbled along. The clouds were darkening further out to Sea and the terrain turned rockier and harsher. Inland was the old quarry and the ancient stone circle near Squelch where local legend tells of human sacrifices being carried out as recently as last Wednesday.

We drew into Widdle station to be greeted by the ghoulish apparition of another human statue, a dust ridden headless spectral with rusted chains sprouting around its legs and dripping from its arms. It was a very impressive display, the best one yet. I wondered where the performer’s head was in the costume and how he or she kept cool in hot weather.

Part 3 tomorrow……..


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Hi Everyone!

Spring’s here! Saps Rising! My Young Man is harder than The Shanghai Times crossword set by a dyslexic at the moment!

Sadly, it is all self abuse with him!

Well, with chat up lines like –

“You’re nice – want to look at my posters?” And, “Don’t fret, I’ve got a puncture repair kit!” –

I don’t think he is going to get very far.

We have organised an Easter Egg hunt around his prostrate! Should be great fun!

Sentient life will be great though! Think of it! Trumpets!

Just gotta find that egg!

I can hear Bon Jovi being cranked up on the stereo!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!


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The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation. So, without further ado, over to you Sperm With A Perm!

Hi Everyone!

Been busy since I last wrote!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages!  I never want to hear Three Blind Mice again!

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment! Bit slow out of the blocks recently! Just as well! He has been on his own in a hotel room! And we all know what that means!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!) 

Just gotta find that egg!

Shame the Pope is stepping down! He was a true friend of sperm!

Hang on! I can hear New Kids On The Block being cranked up on the stereo!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!


But I Won’t Do That!

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PM Cameron is Delighted

PM Cameron is Delighted

Breaking News!

Following on from the Government’s recent announcement of changing the way child poverty is measured in the UK, Gfb can reveal that legendary ventriloquist double act “Keith Harris and Orville” have been appointed to implement the changes.

Which One Is Which Do You Think?

Which One Is Which Do You Think?

Ian Duncan-Spliff, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “Yeah Maaaan, wan’ some GANJA?  Dey can make dis policeeeyy fly, fly right up to de sky, yes they can.” (No they can’t).


Duncan-Spliff – In control

The child poverty changes come about after Conservative MP Alex In-Bred had tabled a motion that child poverty was nothing to do with income, and was actually caused by all  welfare benefit claimants being addicted to drugs, alcohol, glue and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

“It just isn’t right that child poverty is measured by income in the 21st Century,” stated In-Bred. “It’s obvious that child poverty is caused by a range of underlying social issues, such as fried food, street dancing and the breasts of Katie Price.”

Katie Price - That's Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up!

Katie Price – That’s Who I Want To Be When I Grow Up!

A leaked memo seen by Gfb goes even further, listing what the Government believe are the root causes of child poverty.

As well as drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and glamour models with enhanced breasts, they include:

–         Heat magazine

–         Hubba Bubba chewing gum

–         Glockenspiel addiction

–         Tesco value beef burgers

–         Not having a Butler

–         Pot noodles

–         Gay Marriage

–         Sideburns

–         Being a Northerner

–         Nervousness around chickens

But Harris & Orville face an uphill task implementing the policy, as anti-poverty campaigners look set to join forces to oppose it.

The Government are banking on the pairs popularity to make the policy change a success. They were recently seen having dinner with Chancellor, George Osborne in a Mayfair brothel,  and said in a statement, “Working as children’s entertainers has given us a unique insight into the issues surrounding child poverty. We are well placed to find the best ways to measure it. That and the £250,000 we are being paid”.

He Really Is A Clown

He Really Is A Clown

So that’s all right then.


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Gingerfightback is pleased to announce that  The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation. So, without further ado, over to you Sperm With A Perm!

Hi Everyone!

Boy am I excited to be writing for Gingerfightback! In fact I get excited about everything! I go all wriggly and start bumping into my 120 million relations! Big Family or What! Got me hair done special too! I love a perm!

I can’t wait to get my chance at sentient life! Think of all the things to look forward to! Having a name! Dandruff! Chewing! Learning Spanish! Gripping things! Getting a bag caught on the armrest of a train! ONIONS! Inappropriate comments! Clothes!

Just gotta find an egg and let my 23 chromosomes do their best!

Hang on! I can hear MC Hammer being cranked up on the stereo! Always a sign with this lad!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!


You Can’t Touch This!

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You can see Tom Cruise with a sausage in his hair here!

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This week has been designated Anti-Bullying Week 2012 in the UK.

I have received many emails from youngsters who are being bullied for being blessed with Red Hair.

So, to try and find a way to help, Gingerfightback has created a page devoted to helping you tackle bullying.

You will find the page by clicking on this – “Being Bullied?” 

You will find ways to advice on how to deal wiht bullying, websites stuffed with good advice and free, confidential phone numbers to talk to people who can help.

This information relates to the United Kingdom, but if anyone else wants to provide advice lines and websites for their own country, get in touch and I will be happy to include it.

As bullying can play such a destructive role in so many lives I would ask you to reblog, share and publicise this post as far and wide so that we can help as many youngsters as possible.

Many Thanks From Gingerfightback!

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Thanks to Andra Watkins for letting Gfb have sight of this picture. Andra’s stories on her site http://andrawatkins.com/ are simply the best thing you will read this side of Christmas, so please pay her a visit.

The spread of Gingers into the animal kingdom is a most welcome development. David Attenborough is working on “The Ginger Planet” as I write.

This very rare sighting of the Titchy Tibetan “Gingerus Nelliephantus Big Hooter” is something to behold and to enjoy.

Now That’s What I Call A Syrup

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Hello Folks,

Gfb friend and model Essex man, Lee Healey has recently finished his first story, “Maddie and The Monsters”.

We had a teency weency role in helping Lee put the story together. Having read it today, we can honestly say it is brilliant and kids between 2-6 years of age will love it!

It is available as an App on iTunes from today and for each copy sold a donation will be made to Book Aid International.

Here is the link!


Treat Yourselves!

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