Posts Tagged ‘Chefs’

Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.


Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.


1 large spliff


Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.


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Fish is great and good for you. Fanny helps a reader with Puffer Fish…….

Dear Fanny,

I bought a couple of Puffer fish from a man in my local pub today and I’m not sure how to extract the poison from them.

I did ask the man who sold them to me but he ran away. He seemed a nice man. He had a hi-vis jacket on that said Health and Safety.

Maybe he didn’t like fish.

Can I have a signed photo please?

Doris Smallhead, Henley on Thames.

Dear Doris,

If you’re fortunate enough to find an expert to do this for you you’re a very lucky lady indeed!

I was fortunate to spend a night in a Puffer den in Northern Japan during my best-selling Asian book tour of  Asia.

The book of the tour “Pol’s Pots – Quick Snacks For The Workers” can still be found on Amazon.

If my memory serves me well he (the expert, not Pol Pot) boiled the sack of poison in a herb reduction and BOOM! Apart from the nightmarish flashbacks I get even now some 30 years later it was a rather pleasant experience.

Poach the remaining fish in white wine and serve with broccoli. Drink red wine with it.

Cheers Darling.

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Sweet Fanny Adams

Gfb’s cookery advisor Fanny Redcrack is here to help you with some cooking tips.

As the world’s leading exponent of cooking with opiates, her world renowned Crack Of Lamb is to die for, Fanny is on hand to add some real spice to basic recipes.

She found ten minutes away from her bong to answer this query.

Eat Up!

Dear Fanny

Blancmange. What’s that all about then?

Clive Seatbelt, Merseyside.

Dear Clive.

Whilst researching my new book,”Fanny Galore! The Woman Behind The Whisk” I came across this fascinating tale.

After a successful encore of Blind Vision at Milton Keynes Town Hall, life was good for pop combo Blancmange. Their album Mange Tout was flying high at number 8 in the U.K charts and lead singer Neil Arthur, returned to the newly opened Milton Keynes Travelstay Motel determined to party.

Neil phoned reception and ordered a celebratory pudding.

The night chef had been on the Skol all night,  got a little bleary eyed and inadvertently  a dessert was born!

60ml of cornflour

1 Pint of full fat milk

Lemon rind

45ml of caster sugar

Blend 30ml of milk with the cornflour. Heat the milk, sugar and lemon to boiling point, add the cornflour mix. Bring back up to boil. Pour into ramekins. Chill for 3 hrs. Serve with fruit.

Keep Rockin!


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Gfb has joined up with the Government to promote healthy eating.

Fanny At Work In 1976

We have enlisted the help of top chef Fanny Red Crack to provide some handy cooking tips. Famed for her groundbreaking TV work in the 1960’s (who can forget her LSD infused sherry trifle or flower power puree?) Fanny is the doyen of a healthy, nutritious approach to narcotic abuse, the first advocate of the 5 A Day principal, Cannabis, Amphetamines, LSD, Ketamine and Opiates, and has a firm belief in the power of Shamen to foretell the future.

Yep, you guessed it she needs the gig.

This Week – Cooking Cabbage.

Darlings. Cabbage.Yuk! I hear you all say. Nonsense I say. Marvellous stuff – filled with  with nutrients and a slither will unblock a bound bowel in a jiffy!

Here’s how to cook it properly and not boil the bejesus out of it.

Blanch the cabbage (Savoy preferably)  in boiling salted water for a few minutes. Then cool it under cold, running water to prevent further cooking and drain in a wide colander.

Here’s the trick! If it’s al dente you can tip (the water gathers at the bottom) the colander and squeeze ( it’s quite a robust vegetable if not over-cooked and you can man handle it to your heart’s content) any remaining moisture out of the cabbage.

Then re-heat in a little butter. If you want to excite the Savoy try adding a little crispy bacon, white wine vinegar and cream.

Et Voila.

Toodle Pip. Fanny(Where’s me stash?)

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