Moby Dick Makes Me Sick! By Agnes DuPont

We hope you remain as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here to share with you my previous lives.

Last week I was a Sperm whale for a few hours.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

I even swallowed a man in Asda! (I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.)

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Call me Ishmael

Regards,

Agnes

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Einstein A Go Go – The Previous Lives Of Agnes Du Pont

Hello People,

A few years ago I spent a most enjoyable fortnight reincarnated as Albert Einstein. It was great being brainy for a while.

During my time as Albert Einstein I discovered that light has slowed down a bit. This is good news for all those who rely on torches to see in the dark as the batteries will last longer.

I also invented the dashes to add to the dots in Morse Code which up to that point hadn’t worked very well. As you can see, —…— tells a whole different story!

Yep, It Was Fun Being Albert Einstein.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ. I was there.

Regards,

Agnes

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Cheese Kill! – Stench McBain – A One Man War Gone Rogue

Hello,

As ex-special forces I know about adapting to my surroundings through disguise and aromatherapy.

My account of life as a Jihadist in Syria called, “But Syriaously” was published this week. Here is an extract from Chapter 5, ” Cheese Waits For No Man.”

“Over 120 in the shade. The Lethal Force Action Group were struggling. Prickle Heat had laid Al-Fungus Thompson out and I could see that Al-Jellytits O’Loon was beginning to wilt.

Food supplies were running low, forcing us to suck each others toes for fluid. Thompson’s bunions were off putting at first, but when you are desperate……….

……………………………..Finally, after days of searching we came across the ammo dump. Here sat the Druze Militia Warlord and his evil henchmen,  fiddling with Rubik’s cubes whilst discussing the relative merits of sheep, goat or cow’s cheese. Preparations were being made for a Fondue party. I love Fondue.

I could smell cheese. A ripe, cheesy odour that reminded me of home – cheese on toast for tea on Sundays. In less hostile times I would have told these evil WARLORDS OF DEATH how a splash of Worcester Sauce really complements cheese on toast. Sadly this was not the case. I was here to destroy the ground to air rockets my country had sold to them. In the name of peace.

From my ammo belt I broke out my emergency cheese supply and popped a lump onto my head. I inched my way toward the group.   The Big Lad stirring the Fondue saw me,  he was 6 foot tall and 6 foot wide with the hams of a god.

I had to think. Fast. On my feet. My field training helped.

“Aaaahhhh CHEESE!” I shouted and smiled.

“Sim Salabim! CHEEEEEEEESE!” he replied. I took the cheese off my head and motioned towards the fondue bowl.

“Sim Salabim! Dunk your cheese Offendi!”

I dunked my cheesy knob for a few moments before whipping it out and pasting it up the nostrils of the Big Lad.

“Aiieeeeeeee!” he cried – I managed to get my cheesy knob down his throat. Al-Jellytits O-Loon burst through the doors and made those evil henchmen eat lead.

We made off with the fondue set and had a wonderful night. It would have been nice to have some fruit to go with our cheese platter. There is something mystical about eating cheese and a selection of stoned fruits under the stars.

 

 

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The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

Agnes Claims To Have Been A Monkey Once

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us about her previous lives!!!!!!

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

Just one chomp on some cheese (any variety apart from Goat’s cheese – too acidic apparently) and  WHOOSH! she connects with her past.

We hope you are as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where my cheese munching will take me next!) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Why, only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Ginger Sooty’s Olympic Diary – Day 12

Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  Another day of great action! 

Lulu won a gold in the women’s weightlifting. I didn’t know the firey throated ginger icon was such a jerk exponent. However I think she has been dabbling with the steroids judging by this shot of her.

Women’s Handball – Basically it’s like throwing a bean bag around while each team knocks the bejesus out of each other.

The best action I’ve seen from the Olympics. In the France v Montenegro Women’s quarter-final match, Popovic scored with the last shot to see the crafty Slavic nation advance.

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Those Lads Who Walk Around With The Arses Of Their Jeans Hanging Around Their Ankles Steeplechase –  Not a great took is it? They will regret it in years to come. I’m particularly looking forward to the water jump.

The USA’s Chad Carlson and his partner F’ont’arn Drive-By-Shooting are the favourites – if they can shuffle to the stadium in time.

Team GB’s Titchy-Shank-U-Wiv-Me-Swiss-Army-Corkscrew-Innit is confident of medalling, if his mum will let him aaaaaahhhht!

2. Cheesey Peas Far Fling

A sport as old as chewing. The Dalai Lama’s favourite pastime and as the Buddha himself once wrote “Well fucked off today. Missed out on my best ever Cheesey Peas Far Fling score by single point. Gutted. Never going to attain my next level of consciousness now.”

A simple game. Immerse peas in cheese.  Take a handful of the Cheesey Peas and try to maximise your score by grouping your “fling” as close to the centre of the target thirty  three yards away. Points are deducted for the distance each Cheesey Pea is from the bullseye or as it is known in Cheesey Pea talk, “The Dragon’s Lair” (We don’t know either).

Bangladesh have high hopes in the women’s competition (they are current Asian champions) but look out for plucky Dutch Edina Gouda who told Gfb recently, “Yesh, for shure I thinksh I can win der Cheeshey Peash Far Fling. My peash are real cheeshey this year!”

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Recently voted the world’s most oiligible Bachelor in the famous German periodical “Dass Is Grossen Grossen,” Oily George is here to provide common sense advice in a mad mad world. From food to hair, Oily cares!

Hello Oily

As a man who knows about classy erotica, would you put pickle in a cheese sandwich?

Gert, Munich

Oily Replies,

Hey Gert,

In the lather-me-in-mayo-and-spank-my-bare-botty market that I cater for, a cheese and pickle sandwich is staple fare for actors and crew alike.

In fact it is a well known but mainly ignored fact that when sandwiches were invented in the 16th Century by rakish dandy, the Earl of Pastie, sex didn’t exist. But if it did he doubtless would have enjoyed such sumptuous fare

Anyway you are getting me reet peckish, I need my own particular sandwich.

Kirsty! Tabitha! it’s Banana Splitz time. I got the banana, my sweet little eye candies.

Oily

Hello Oily

Which do you think is more likely to make a comeback as a to die hairstyle for men, the perm or the mullet?

Toby, Moray

Oily Replies,

Toby,

A combination of both really. Think 70’s Kevin Keegan meets…..quick check on google…….Billy Ray Cyrus. I think my fellow freak, the moustachioed porn star and occasional footballer Rudi Voller perfected the look in the late 80’s.

Personally as you will see from my pic I am going for the sleek and sensual Silver Fox look. Easily maintained and always stays in position even when I have my ‘watersports’ weekends with the Compton Fetishist Society here in Crazy City.

Yes my now legendary sexual proclivities are not bound by class creed or colour. Or species, if you believe the tittle tattle written in the Catholic Herald this week. But I deny those charges vehemently.

Was simply a misunderstanding.

Regards, Oily

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Sarah Palin’s Lovelife

News has reached Gfb that Sarah Palin’s lesbian love lust liaison with Liz, The Queen of England has ended.

The pair split a couple of weeks ago after Sarah discovered HRT having a nibble of  odd Jock songstress Susan Boyle.

But Sarah has found love in the arms of an unlikely sauce. Cheese!

Cheddar, Gouda, Emantaler, Ricotta, Feta, and even Stilton, have all been spotted in Alaskan nightspots smooching with Sarah. The perky lass has even engaged in group cheese sessions.

Liz Has A New Love!

But definitely not French cheese. She is a Patriot.

Commented a trusted sauce, “She is crackers about them.”

Gfb asked Professor Eldritch Dip-Thong, Lecturer in Unattributed Quotes, University of Tashkent, for his views on these developments. “Haven’t got one to be honest. But I can make one up if you like!”

Either way it seems that the Rennit lovin’ Grizzly Mama has found her whey again. To prove this she recently took a swipe at Republican Presidential hopefuls, Sick Rantorum and Ritt Momney.

“Is that the best we got to offer? Hell on a Grizzly’s tinkle! I got more balls in each of ma five eyes than those Mofo’s put together! Y’all. Heck. God. Creationism. Beware of blacks. Aryan. Lock ‘n Load!”

We don’t know what it means either.

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