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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty,

Recently my man has been diagnosed with permanent vegetable disorder. His nose is a carrot, arms are leeks, ears are cauliflowers and his head is turning into a giant lettuce.

I love him dearly but when I see him now all I think about is making a nourishing vegetable broth.

Can you help?

Sally, Stockton on Tees

Aunty Bill Replies;

Sally,

Sorry to hear of your caused in watching your man slowly turn into a human casserole.

However with the onset of the cold weather, now is the time to prune those parts no longer of any use to him. He seems to have most of the ingredients to make a nice stew with the simple addition of a pound of stewing steak and a tin of butter beans and some lentils.

I recommend using a slow cooker to bring out the full flavour of your mans “produce” (leave out the lettuce though). Russell Hobbs do a 6.5 litre brushed aluminium effort for £26 (with vario-thermostatic control) which would be ideal for your needs and provide a healthy and sustaining meal which will last you for several days.

Don’t worry about pruning the limbs as this type of vegetable disorder is that the limbs grow back after a short while therefore providing a constant supply of food! Ensure you keep his lettuce well watered as this is the source of the nutrients that keep the rest of his root vegetables healthy.

I’m sending you a copy of my leaflet “20 Slow Cooker recipes for those living with permanent vegetable disorder (or with someone in the household who does)” – bit of a mouthful but sure tastes good!

Yum Yum!

Aunty Bill

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Gfb’s Emeritus Professor of Cobblers, Mikhail Crawshawnikov, has delved into the Kremlin archives to discover these amazing facts. For the first time, we can reveal the role of the hairpiece in shaping the 20th Century and beyond….

Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov – A Tale Of Revolutionary Hairpieces .

“Mum. Mum.”

“Vot iz it Vladimir”

“Mum. Mum. Do you think that being Ginger will ever hamper my chances of ever being a professional revolutionary and lead the Ginger Democratic Social Worker’s Party?……Mum. Mum.”

“Not now love. I’m doin’ me catalogue money.”

“Oh but Mum. Mum.”

“Look Vlad, if you don’t shut it son I’ll beat you over the head with your Tsar Nicholas the Second Doll.”

“But Mum -”

“Please Vlad, not now. I’m perfecting my doorstep technique.”

“Ding-Dong! – Volga calling. Bloody Hell is that you or the drains?”

“Mum, if I don’t get any attention I’m going to form a Worker’s Revolutionary Party and assassinate the Royal Family”

“That’s nice dear.”

“Nobody listens to me. I’m going to my room to play with my Bolsheviks.”

“You’ll go blind dear”.

In his formative years Vladimir was not affected by blindness as predicted by his Mother, but by the execution of his brother for sporting flamboyant hair.

He finished his Law Degree in 1891 with the intention of helping fellow victims of the Anti-Ginger wave sweeping the Country. His slogan ‘Where there’s a Ginge, there’s a claim, innit’ was frequently whispered among the thinking classes in the City of Moscow.

He was eventually exiled to Serbia for being a bit of a nuisance. It was there that he married Nadezhda Krupskaya. The inventor of Ginger Scrabble.

On his return from Siberia he tried to become a real nuisance by changing his name to Lenin – the Latin for Ginger (Well, that’s what some bloke in a pub told him).

My Favourite Beatle

After The Great War he decided that the way forward was to collaborate with the Germans. He saw it in his Atlas but thought it said Ginger.

His wife wasn’t impressed, mainly because it was only worth ten points in Scrabble.

He was required to dye his hair Blonde and wear heels to make him taller.

The Pharmacy he visited in Munich was right out of Blonde, there had been a bit of a run on it, so he settled for Burnt Chestnut.

On the box he noticed a ‘Money Off’ Voucher for a Luger Parabellum.

He sent off for it and organised the October Revolution.

His best mate in all this kerfuffle was part time hypnotist and wheel clamper Leon Trotsky. He went on to become famous as a song writer for the Stranglers.

Trotsky had a magnificent shock of red hair and Lenin was so impressed that he named his army after it. Whilst on a Saga holiday holiday in Mexico someone took a shine to his impressive barnet and attempted to remove it with an ice pick.

Should Have Gone To Spec Savers

As his attacker tugged frantically to remove the golden mane, Hotel guests could clearly hear Trotsky singing ‘No more earholes any more’.

Both parties ended up disappointed and the Stranglers string of hit singles dried up.

The Bolsheviks (Russian for Ginger) made absolute pests of themselves, Goose Stepping around in high heels with outrageous ginger bouffant hairstyles. Lenin apparently had the complete set including a merkin and bum hair.

His efforts to transform the Russian Economy to a Socialist model, stalled when he began to express his undying love for Lillian Gish and lighting enormous Cuban cigars with large denomination banknotes.

He introduced a New Economic Policy to encourage a measure of Private Enterprise. This enabled him to set up ‘Ginger Knick-Knacks’ a small, second hand armaments business just off St. Peter’s Square. In the later years of his life he supplied the hardware and buffet lunches for the May Day march past.

He died in 1924. Pravda headlined it ‘A Catastrophe.’

He was succeeded by Joseph Stalin who was elected on the Ginger card.

Quit Stalin And Tell Us What You Think

Imagine the shock and horror that reverberated around the Country when he was spotted in Toni and Guy’s in Moscow having a Ginger rinse.

He endeavoured to win favour with the Peasants, introducing his ‘Grow Carrots Go Ginger’ Policy. Unfortunately the Peasants didn’t like the taste of them and all died. The outcome of this meant that there was no one left to vote for him so he knocked it on the head and opened a wet fish shop in Minsk. It proved to be a great success.

"Putin On The Ritz"

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