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Posts Tagged ‘Buddhism’

diving dalai 1

The Diving Dalai

Gingerfightback’s correspondent,  Ying-Yang Karma-Farmer-Hop Pole was delighted to see the Dalai Lama display his diving prowess recently when his holiness visited the Pond’s Forge swimming centre in Sheffield.

board copy

Inspecting The Boards!

Before you could say “Free Tibet!” the Bouncing Buddhist had stripped off his robes to reveal a well toned torso.

lama

 Famous Dalai Lama epithets about Diving.

1. “If we enter water too fast – budgie smugglers damage the knackers. Protect your knackers.”

2. “Belly flop is nature’s way of telling you  – you shite at diving.”

Last week it was the Pope on the Pommel. We are sure you agree these two leaders are certainly fit for purpose!

pommel2pope

The Pontiff displayed enormous strength and precision particularly in his flair kicks.

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He Has Flair

Busty Born Again Catholic Beauty, Angharad Big Baps cooed, “First the Pope and now the Dalai! God damn I’m gettin’ me some ol’ time religion!”

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I had the morning off waiting for Curry’s to deliver the new flat screen TV. It’s got surround sound, radar, sonar and a missile launching system. Naturally they didn’t turn up.

The curly Kale diet was working its magic and I was on the pot reading The Sun.

The Yanks are going to start bombing Iraq again because although we “won” and “left a vibrant, pluralistic, democratic state” behind, it has all gone a bit tits up and some Angry Lads who think they are indestructible want to set up a Caliphate (whatever that is – thought it was a camping stove) – and suppress everything that lives there – even the wind if it blows too hastily.

Now a load of Ancient Christians are stuck up an Iraqi mountain (like Moses when he nipped up one to get a few do’s and dont’s – the one about not killing is always good for a laugh) – the Angry Lads want to kill them because their version of the same God is different – largely in choice of headwear it seems to me.

Then there’s the Israeli’s – same God – different head-gear again – slaughtering the innocents and creating more Angry Lads in the process.

Jesus was up a mountain – told us to be good – talk about stating the obvious! Then he was slaughtered – on a mountain.

Fuck it – going down the Stretched Testicle for a few pints.

At least me bowels are moving with aplomb.

But what is it with religion and mountains?

Go tell it my son!

I blame Buddhists. Bastards to a man.

Bob

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Hello,

I’m still struggling to take the Christmas pounds off. Apart from playing havoc with my rash my lovely wife, Shirley commented that I was close to putting Buddha to shame in the old girth department. Harsh I thought as I took a well earned rest after wrestling the sock from my right foot. Bit of a fighter that one. Still got a bit of elastic in the nylon.

But the mention of Buddha got me thinking.

As I scanned The Sun whilst on the bog, there was no mention of how to live a good Buddhist life. Well not in the Racing Section anyway. I thought Ying and Yang were the name of the Pandas in London Zoo (They never had sex neither – I know the feeling) and used to smother Feng Shui with Curry Sauce after wobbling home from the Swollen Gland on a Friday Night. Never met Harry Krishna neither. Must be a nice bloke – he’s had a religion named after him.

Shame my Uncle Harry never managed that trick. “Harry – Harry, Harry – Harry Feltham” has a certain tranquil quality don’t you think? He was a roofer as well. An existential extension could have been on the cards. If I knew what existential meant. Heard some bloke say it on BBC2 once. Knew it wasn’t At Home Wth The Ice Cop Chase Border Guards  straight away. (Great show that by the way).

Then I spotted it. 3.15 at Kempton Park – Roly Poly Fat Boy. Put  twenty on him to win and he romped home!

Thanks Buddha! Although my journey  for spiritual enlightenment continues.

No it doesn’t.

Laters.

Bob

You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

No you won’t.

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Hello,

I recently had to seize goods to the value of £3,578.78 from an Indian Head Massage parlour in Maidenhead for non-payment of Business Rates.

I’m not really up to speed with all this mystic stuff  – I first ate a courgette when I was 42 and I still don’t understand the concept of a meal without chips.

As the chief head rubbererer Eric, a tall lad with a touch of Shirley Bassey about him, scrambled around looking for money, I availed myself of his facilities. Naturally, being a place that deals with mumbo jumbo I had a shufty at a three-week old Guardian stuffed behind the toilet radiator. Inside was an article by that bloke from Tibet  The Dalai Lama.  Sounds like a veggie curry to me but there you go.

Old Dilly Dalai was talking about the benefits of meditation for a tranquil and peaceful life. Inspired, I decided to give mediationism a go.

So I assumed the Lotus position on the pot, tricky with your trousers around your ankles, rebalanced my cheeks, closed my eyes and emptied my thoughts.

“OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhmmmmmm” I cried. I felt good.

“OOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhmmmmmm” I repeated. I felt better. Lighter. In tune with my life.

There was a small plop.

I opened my eyes and there was Eric standing in front of me with 26 pence in loose change. As I had reached a higher spiritual plane I gave him an extra week to get the money together.

I also told him to put a lock on his toilet door.

Be Lucky

Bob

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Hello,

I’m still struggling to take the Christmas pounds off. Apart from playing havoc with my rash my lovely wife, Shirley commented that I was close to putting Buddha to shame in the old girth department. Harsh I thought as I took a well earned rest after wrestling the sock from my right foot. Bit of a fighter that one. Still got a bit of elastic in the nylon.

But the mention of Buddha got me thinking.

As I scanned The Sun whilst on the bog, there was no mention of how to live a good Buddhist life. Well not in the Racing Section anyway. I thought Ying and Yang were the name of the Pandas in London Zoo (They never had sex neither – I know the feeling) and used to smother Feng Shui with Curry Sauce after wobbling home from the Swollen Gland on a Friday Night. Never met Harry Krishna neither. Must be a nice bloke – he’s had a religion named after him.

Shame my Uncle Harry never managed that trick. “Harry – Harry, Harry – Harry Feltham” has a certain tranquil quality don’t you think? He was a roofer as well. An existential extension could have been on the cards. If I knew what existential meant. Heard some bloke say it on BBC2 once. Knew it wasn’t At Home Wth The Ice Cop Chase Border Guards  straight away. (Great show that by the way).

Then I spotted it. 3.15 at Kempton Park – Roly Poly Fat Boy. Put  twenty on him to win and he romped home!

Thanks Buddha! Although my journey  for spiritual enlightenment continues.

No it doesn’t.

Laters.

Bob

You can read more of Bob’s musings whilst on the pot here and here. Your lives will be infinitely richer for doing so.

No you won’t.

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buddha

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Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

Well Folks –  Another day of great action! 

Lulu won a gold in the women’s weightlifting. I didn’t know the firey throated ginger icon was such a jerk exponent. However I think she has been dabbling with the steroids judging by this shot of her.

Women’s Handball – Basically it’s like throwing a bean bag around while each team knocks the bejesus out of each other.

The best action I’ve seen from the Olympics. In the France v Montenegro Women’s quarter-final match, Popovic scored with the last shot to see the crafty Slavic nation advance.

A couple of sports to look out for.

1. Those Lads Who Walk Around With The Arses Of Their Jeans Hanging Around Their Ankles Steeplechase –  Not a great took is it? They will regret it in years to come. I’m particularly looking forward to the water jump.

The USA’s Chad Carlson and his partner F’ont’arn Drive-By-Shooting are the favourites – if they can shuffle to the stadium in time.

Team GB’s Titchy-Shank-U-Wiv-Me-Swiss-Army-Corkscrew-Innit is confident of medalling, if his mum will let him aaaaaahhhht!

2. Cheesey Peas Far Fling

A sport as old as chewing. The Dalai Lama’s favourite pastime and as the Buddha himself once wrote “Well fucked off today. Missed out on my best ever Cheesey Peas Far Fling score by single point. Gutted. Never going to attain my next level of consciousness now.”

A simple game. Immerse peas in cheese.  Take a handful of the Cheesey Peas and try to maximise your score by grouping your “fling” as close to the centre of the target thirty  three yards away. Points are deducted for the distance each Cheesey Pea is from the bullseye or as it is known in Cheesey Pea talk, “The Dragon’s Lair” (We don’t know either).

Bangladesh have high hopes in the women’s competition (they are current Asian champions) but look out for plucky Dutch Edina Gouda who told Gfb recently, “Yesh, for shure I thinksh I can win der Cheeshey Peash Far Fling. My peash are real cheeshey this year!”

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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