Let Down By Love – Aunty Bill Help!

Hello Aunty;

Several days ago I discovered that my man was cheating on me with a foot pump. Ever since I have felt very deflated.

Is there anything I can do?

Wendy, Bolton

Dear Wendy,

Men are creatures of habit and it may well be that you haven’t been paying him full attention, hence his preoccupation with matters of the motoring kind.

If he’s feeling under pressure at work or home he needs a release valve and seems to have found it in the boot of his car. Tread carefully but you need to get to the hub of the problem before it escalates. Perhaps he’s tired of the domestic routine although it’s too early to gauge.

Without wishing to put a spanner in the works I suggest that if you spoke to him about your concerns he may well realise the error of his ways and realise he has been acting a bit nuts. With a little effort you may be able to repair this relationship without puncturing his hopes for the future.

Just be thankful it’s a foot pump and not one of the flash ones down the local petrol station. Although you have to pay to use them, the hoses are so much longer and once it gets going the vibration is something else!

Aunty

 

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One Year Of Aunty Bill! – A Classic Case

To celebrate one year of Aunty Bill, Gfb is dedicating this weekend to our agony aunt. Here is another one of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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One Year Of Aunty Bill! – Some Classic Cases

Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace?

You Betcha!

Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.

The loyal readership of Gfb!

So, as a special treat this weekend is designated “Aunty Bill Weekend” and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Where It All Began

Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill. Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

You’ve got to sand it to him

Aunty Bill

Several days ago I met a lovely man at the Bingo. He sat with me as I played and was thrilled when I shouted “House” in my first game!

I won two hundred pounds as well!

He told me he loved me and asked me if I could lend him the £200 so he could buy some sand. I loved him and did so. He promised me that he would pay me back the next day and also give me some sand as a keep sake.

I haven’t heard from him. Do you think I have lost him? Do you want some sand?

Wilma, Portland

AB replies;

Dear Wilma,

It looks like you’ve been a victim of  the notorious”Bingo Bob”.

Bob preys on women like yourself who frequent Bingo Halls to fuel his lust for sand.

Sharp, Coarse or Fine, it’s all the same to him. He has an insatiable lust for the stuff.

When he’s got enough sand together (a hippo sized bag should suffice for his twisted needs) he creeps, yes creeps, under the cover of darkness to the beach and spends the rest of the night building phallic symbols (rather poor efforts I must admit, he sent me some pictures).

Then he buries himself adjacent to his efforts to wait for sunrise and the looks of horror and disgust on the faces of those early morning beach goers as they feast their eyes on his depraved sculptures.

You’ve had a close call Wilma. Try to forget all about it and hand your evidence to the Police.

Regards

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

As the nation’s leading Transgender Agony Aunt/Uncle, Aunty Bill is here to help. If you have a problem with affairs of the heart or just need advice, drop him/her a line and he/she will be happy to help.

Replies may take a little time as he/she is currently in the medical unit at his/her open prison in Worcestershire undergoing some lovely transformative surgery.

A Way To A Transvestite’s Heart…..

Aunty Bill,

Are you a vegetarian? My mum reckons you are.

Alan, Santiago

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Alan,

Mums! Dontcha just love ’em?

She’s right of course. I had a rather nasty experience with an old piece of shrivelled pork many years ago (don’t ask). Ever since I have been totally meat free.

Nuts, berries & nettles are my staples these days although recently I have become partial to a slice of Ugli fruit before bedtime. One of the great things about a meat free diet is how great you feel about saving the lickle sheeps and lambs from the threat of immediate slaughter.

One of the downsides is Rickets and calcium deficiency. So it is important to drink lots of milk if you decide to give up meat, otherwise your teeth/hair/legs could fall off or out.

Here’s my recipe for nettle surprise which I sometimes cook for the wing :

Nettles (lots)

Water (5 gals)

Sugar (8lbs)

Rice (as much as you can lay your hands on)

Bubblegum (2 packets)

Wash and chop the nettles (wear gloves!)

Boil water then when boiled at nettles, sugar & rice

Simmer for 5 hours

Strain resulting mess well, add bubble gum to garnish and serve immediately.

The juice can be stored and used to clean the limescale from sinks & toilets (make sure you store well away from sunlight and do not expose to naked flame)

Enjoy!

Aunty Bill

Keep Lung And Beautiful!

Aunty Bill,

Last week I married the man who I thought was the love of my life. Today he has left me for another man. My Dad. Dad lives in an iron lung and is mute. How can I cheer myself up?

Alison, Gloucester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Alison,

This must have come as terrible shock to you but the darkest hour is before the dawn and for you the dawn is going to be incredibly bright (sort of).

To lose your Husband to your Dad needs a firm course of action and this is what you must do.

Visit the pair of them and let your feelings be known – Dad is mute so he won’t be in a position to answer back anyway.

Check his iron lung. The chances are it is a Casio TW122Windjammer. Look for the Negative Pressure Ventilator (this should be situated adjacent to the Tank Respirator although on earlier models is linked to the aerator valve).

Turn to maximum pressure, retire to a safe distance (I’d recommend at least a third of a mile) and watch that baby go! Both problems solved at the turn of a valve.

There’s a slim chance the police will come a knocking. May I recommend Sioux, Grabbit and Runne solicitors who, for an unreasonable fee, will represent you should matters take a turn for the worse.

All the best with your endeavours

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Heartache – Aunty Bill’s Here To Help!

Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill.

Aunty Bill - Here To Heal, Here To Help

Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.

We hope you may find some answers too.

Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless

Aunty Bill,

I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Meredith,

So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was  UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.

Aunty Bill

Case #2 – Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Case #3 If The Face Fits…..

Aunty Bill,

My girl is wonderful, sexy and has a great sense of humour. A great catch as my cider sodden Granddad might have said.

However there is one problem. When we copulate she insists that I wear a replica mask of Margaret Thatcher as she swears blind that Maggie screwed her and the rest of Britain when she was in power and she can only achieve her “tingle” when looking at the Iron Lady.

I don’t mind wearing the mask (although they chaff my sideburns a tad) but sometimes I’d like to experiment and wear a different one. Silvio Berlusconi for example.

How do I approach this one Aunty Bill?

Wally, Lincoln

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Wally,

With the great new range of latex rubber masks available on the market these days, suggest to your girlfriend that you both spend a day at Larry’s Latex Parlour in Harlow, Essex.

Here you’ll find a huge array of current and not so current faces. Larry has been the leading purveyor of latex masks for over 20 years in the Essex region and his number can be found in phone boxes, public lavatories and pub toilets especially in the Pitsea area.

Some are even programmed to speak their most popular catch phrase at that “important” moment. For instance Harry Rednapp shouts “Back of the net!” or how about Oliver Hardy and his unforgettable “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into”.

A personal favourite is the Mr Punch mask saying, “That’s the way to do it!”

Whilst I appreciate your girlfriend’s Thatcher analogy, maybe a little more humour wouldn’t go amiss and what a cracking day out!

How about you wearing a mask of dashing helicopter pilot Prince William? I could make a cheap jibe here about choppers but I won’t. The futures bright Wally, the future’s Latex!

All the best!

Aunty Bill

Aunty Bill is happy to receive correspondence to help heal the wounds of a broken heart. Please feel free to send them in.

NO TIME WASTERS!

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Train Travels #7

He re-read the notice in the Obituary column, “…long battle with illness…bravely fought…loving wife, mother and grandmother.” The family asked for donations for the Hospice rather than flowers to be sent.

It was easier to count the lost years in decades. At least five of them. Where had the time and life gone? The wraiths of despair and sadness caused his heart to skip a beat and momentarily he felt his soul slip away from him.

He had loved her. Utterly. But he had never possessed the courage to tell her. Now he had lost her. For good.

“Feint heart never won fair lady.” He hated that saying.

The train manager announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now approaching Doncaster station. Please ensure that you take all your belongings with you. Thank you for traveling with Great Eastern and have a safe onward journey.”

It would be another two hours to home. To the town he had moved to in order to escape the broken heart and confusion he had felt.

Her smell and taste lived in him once more. He put the newspaper down.

Why had she bought it? Did she know?

He studied his hands. Finger joints throbbed with arthritic discomfort but he clenched them tightly into fists. Shards of pain filled his mind, but at least it acted as a distraction.

His wife returned.

“They didn’t have any ham so I got you a chicken salad instead. Is that OK?”

“Fine thanks.”

“You look like you have seen a ghost.” She said.

“Just tired from the trip. Nothing to worry about.”

She searched the carrier bag and tutted.

“I didn’t pick any milk up for the tea. Could you nip back to the buffet car for some?”

“OK.” He lifted himself out of the seat, his replacement hip still stiff and uncomfortable. But he was glad to stretch his legs and move. He threw the grief over his shoulder, sagging slightly under its weight.

“Anything else?” he asked.

“Just the milk. It was nice to see your sister.  She’s definitely visiting us Boxing Day and staying for a couple of nights. Anita can meet her at the station.”

She picked the paper up and casually examined the front page, “Anything in the paper?” she asked.

“No. Not really.” He made his way to the buffet car. 

She hoped he had read the news. His sister had told her when they were washing up after dinner last night.  She was pleased and sad in equal measure. But above all she hoped he would no longer cry out for Audrey in his sleep.

 All of them deserved some peace now.

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