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Posts Tagged ‘Broken heart’

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill,

I was recently ran over by a steam roller.  I am now eighteen feet tall, twelve feet wide yet only one inch deep.

My girlfriend Jackie has left me on account of my billowing.  I can only find work as a  sail.

Whilst being a sail has its plus points (most notably if I have any wet clothes on they dry very quickly) I doubt if I will find love again. Can you help?

Pedro Garcia, Gateshead

Aunty Bill Replies;

Pedro!

Sorry to hear of your mishap. I see several career opportunities have come your way although you probably don’t see them (from that height I’m not surprised).

I’ll list them for you :

The guy who slides down drains to retreive stuff that people have dropped down them accidently (I don’t actually know anybody who does this but it is an option).

At eighteen foot tall you’d be a shoe-in for any basketball team.  They’d pay whatever it took to get you on their books. Netball is worth a butcher’s too!

Changing street light bulbs for the Council. They’d save on expensive machinery and you get to wear Hi-Vis!

A portable garage door. At twelve feet wide you’d get to guard the cars at some pretty impressive houses, twelve feet being double the size of the usual door.

And you could rest your legs while sitting on the roof of the garage!

A sail on a pedillo. Just imagine – “Pedros Pedillos!”

Sail on!

Aunty Bill

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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

As the country’s leading Transgender advice columnist, Aunty Bill has helped literally thousands of people in his/her lifetime. Now out of solitary confinement for the theft of winter vegetable soup, still vehemently denied, Aunty Bill’s cell in his/her Open Prison in Worcestershire has become a beacon of hope for many. We hope you too may find some closure with his/her inspirational advice.

A Griddle Riddle

Hello Aunty Bill!

I like The Wire my boyfriend don’t.

We had a row about it and I hit him with the nearest metallic object that came to hand. Now his face has the indents of a griddle pan. Consequently I now find him repulsive and useful only when I want a healthy way to cook meat. Should I dump him?

Shirley, Manitoba

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear Shirley,

Firstly, let me congratulate you on your good taste. The Wire is one of my favourites too. Filmed in Baltimore y’know.

Baltimore is where it all went wrong for me. American juries ain’t that gullible you know. My protestations that I was unaware it was a pantomime horse fell on deaf ears.

But hey! That was a long time ago and you’ve got problems of your own to be addressed.

Only really two ways out of this one Shirl and I’m gonna give it to you straight.

Guys whose faces you can cook on come along only once in a lifetime. So, it may be worthwhile hanging on to this fella and bringing him out when you fancy a nice seared Tuna steak or some other tasty low fat cutlet of meat. Imagine the surprise on your friends faces when he appears from the cupboard under the stairs to cook their favourite dish!

However if you find his facial disfigurement too ghastly to live with you maybe interested in http://www.you’llalwaysfindmeinthekitchenatparties.com– a dating service for those disfigured by kitchen accidents (check out the “Cutlery Corner” section of the site).

It may well be that he would be better off with a victim of a blender accident or some such, leaving you to enjoy the delights of The Wire on your own and for him to ride (or limp) into the sunset with a new similarly culinary challenged partner.

Only you can decide  – good luck!

Best wishes

Aunty Bill

Doctor In The House!

Dear Aunty Bill,

Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.

She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.

Do I?

L’esca’lator, Hackney

Aunty Bill Replies,

Dear L’esca’lator,

The short answer to your predicament is yes.

For sometime now, Scientists have been aware of the link between watching medical programmes and pregnancy.

Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (How to Look Good Naked and Embarrassing Bodies are two to avoid, unless swathed in Bacofoil.)

Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.

Although it is not certain she will give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!

Let us know how you get on.

Aunty Bill

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