Diving For Pearls – By Paul Holland

Shifting over in the bed.
Waking at
My usual time to wake
Minutes before the alarm sounds.
I laugh at the lonely
Silliness,
Of my being pleased
That I can turn on the other lamp with a toe
My left big toe.
It has taken these years
To shift from having
Had
A
‘My side of the bed’
But I navigate around
These various double beds
Painters long since slipped
Still a deep sleeper
But wandering now
From clinging to the
Ribbing at the side
Of a queen-sized mattress
In the company of
Her
Her of splendid isolation
To now
To all the kingdoms
And beyond
As there’s no one there to wake to.
If there were to be
It’d be a pretty pass
To wake a sleeping lover with a big toe in her gob
(Still?
….horses for courses…)
As I swing to turn on their lamp
I can imagine lights being put out for less.

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14 Days Out In The Van – By Paul Holland

For 9 days last year

I rummaged

Through the mountains

Of

An Ireland unknown

Looking to find you.

Through rain

And November’s snowstorms

Where even my dogs were thinking,

Ohh…but this is getting a bit  Husky.

Still I’d rather be

Out there

In the cold rain and snow.

Losing entire mountains

Than here in Spanish sun

Now knowing that I’m never to find you again.

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Regular readers of Gingerfightback will recall that our beauty therapist and lifestyle guru, Oily George is currently in the USA filming a number of erotic films. You may be interested to learn that George has had a very productive meeting with Disney over a remake (with erotic undertones) of a classic children’s  TV series.

He is hopeful that Scooby Blue will be released next summer.

George has taken a break from filming (and to have his annual prostrate check up) and  faxed me this letter, which he was keen to share with you all!

Hi my lithesome sweat stained, slightly drooling readers. Sorry for my tardy responses to you all of late. I have been busy in Southern California spreading….well ever aware that you may be having your dinner, let us just say I have been spreading the good word of the Oily One.

I just checked my sack recently and boy oh boy was I surprised and rather proud of the bulge! Full to the brim with letters from you all.

Touched I was. I was young, he was the parish priest. But I digress.

Whilst in California I have had some interesting problems to answer. One young man on Huntington beach on 4th July accosted me thus:

‘Yo oily dude. Awesome man, hey I’m stoked. My queen haystack bitch stole my heart, smoked my bong and made off with my roomie. This was not cool man. I need advice. Guidance. I saw you working out on muscle beach down Venice way and like how do I get a 16 pack like u. I’m stuck with a mere 6er. So come on dude whassup?”

Well people, I was totally bamboozled by what he said. I speak the Queen’s English. But after watching the official Southern Californian Tourist Guide DVD ( aka ‘The Big Lebowski’) I was able to translate.

It would appear that his good lady had left him bereft, alone save for his by now, rather raw red right hand. He wanted a physique like mine believing therein lay the answer.

I explained that the ladies enjoy ‘riding the Oily ripple’. Either that or they enjoy the cash I pay them.

However I feel his attire was his main problem. Baseball Cap, T-shirt, shorts and flip-flops to win a fair maiden’s heart?

Wrong, so very very wrong.

I explained that if he wants the chance to ride the skinboat to tuna town he needs to smarten up. Well he has taken my advice to heart and can now be seen on the beaches and boardwalks between LA and San Diego dressed in a rather louche ensemble of crumpled linen suit accessorised with cravat and cummerbund.

I do not mean Sherlock Holmes is wrapped around his waist. That is Benedict Cumberbatch. An oft made mistake especially with the reputation Benedict has here in Tinseltown. Or at least would have if I were to make up some gossip.

Ever shiny ever sleek.

Regards

Oily 

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Train Travel Tales 18 – Young Love

She was tired. Fazed. Unsteady. She re-read his text.

“Sorry, I don’t think things will work out between us. Sorry. J.”

Her soul curdled a little more.

No matter how hard she punched the keys of her mobile, he didn’t answer her calls or reply to her texts.

Why? She thought for the umpteenth time. Why?

What about his promises?

What about his birthday present?

She curled up in the seat and looked out of the window. A suburb flashed by. Then a village. Then a house. Her world had stopped. Had been stolen by him. Tears snaked down her cheeks.

Four hours to home.

Is this Death? She wondered.

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Well folks, Aunty Bill’s has asked me to tell you how touched he/she is by all the correspondence received and is happy to offer advice in anyway he/she can if your love life goes a bit boss eyed.

He/she is currently protesting his/her innocence over the theft of a large tin of winter vegetable soup from the prison kitchens.

Shelf Stacker Attacker

Please Help Aunty Bill

I have a problem with girls. I am in my 20’s have a steady job at Morrison’s and according to my mum I am better looking than Brad Pitt. My mum is great, she still cuts my soldiers up when I have a boiled egg for tea and I heard her tell her mate Shirley that next to cider I am the most important thing in her life.

But my problem is this. Every time I meet a girl I fancy the first thing I say to her is “NICE COCK” very loudly. They then run a mile and even my Morrison’s staff discount card won’t win them back. What can I do?

Declan, Stafford

Aunty Bill Replies;

Declan,

Mums are great aren’t they? They shield you from the sad facts of life as long as they can and only when it’s too late do you realise what an utter loser you really are.

At your age you really should be able meet members (no pun intended) of the opposite sex without shouting imbecilic appendage laden abuse at them. It sounds like you may have the onset of Tourette’s and I strongly advise you to get this checked out.

Quite honestly you sicken me and even thought I’ve never met you, why an earth you ever expect to meet a young lady the way you carry on is beyond me.

Your mother’s addiction to cider obviously helps her deal with the fact that she has raised a socially awkward misfit. We have a word for people like you on our wing but as this is a socially responsible family orientated web site I’m not going to mention it.

I’m sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but it’s time you were told a few home truths and I do it because I care.

PS What discount do you receive on your staff discount card and can you use this in conjunction with the Morrison’s “Price Crunch”?

Best Wishes

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good Bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back.

Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment, runs until the end of March, not available with any other offer).

You may want to stamp your own individuality on them by customising them, for example by writing Right and Left on the each one (make sure you don’t get them confused,, it’s easily done).

How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you, you little charmer!

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Ham Fisted

Aunty Bill

Is it wrong for a man to develop a deep affection for ham?

Nathan, Melbourne

Aunty Bill Replies;

Nathan,

Not at all! Many have written to me expressing their desire for pre-packaged cold meats.

You don’t state whether your passion is for crumbed, breaded or good old plain Wiltshire but either way a relationship with this tasty cooked treat can be a rewarding experience.

Over the months and years you may find a deeper understanding of why men in particular, have found this inanimate food stuff such a satisfying experience when it comes to affairs of the heart.

Keep refrigerated and try to avoid leaving in bright sunlight or storing near lemons or tomato puree as these can affect both the colour and temperament of your ham. Follow these instructions and you should have many happy years together and probably a few exciting adventures too!

Ham – the gift that keeps on giving

Aunty Bill

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