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Posts Tagged ‘Black Humour’

Oily

There is a squeak on my wardrobe door. Every time I open the door my pet Budgie goes into a catatonic state.

I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.

Will you pop in and see me to use your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers to quieten the darn door and give my Budgie the peace she craves and deserves?

Ariadne, Ullapool

Hello Ariadne

I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door.

I have a vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. That should do the trick. Whilst there maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions.

Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.

Squeakily yours

Oily

 

 

 

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Hi Kids,

It is your duty to take drugs!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

As the Government now includes proceeds from drugs and prostitution in official statistics I am proud that my Crack habit has helped pull the country out of recession. I’m not sure how statisticians arrived at these figures (exhaustive research must have been undertaken).

Prostitution should no longer be seen as drug addled women being pimped by scum to pay for their heroin addiction but as a bold, nay noble effort to get the country back on its feet, up against a wall or in a car or in a bus shelter…..

Makes ya proud to be British!

Beats me why would Scotland wish to become independent!

Uncle Crackhead

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chuck norris copy
Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa and had the nose spore cleansing that uses Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However since then I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Nocturnal, urinating over furniture, munching on mice and not really giving a shit. I have also developed a taste for licking my bottom in front of the TV.

My man has put a bell around my neck.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused. My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

Have a saucer of milk to get you in the mood…..

Oily

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pope francis copy

 

Aunty Bill,

6 weeks ago I was walking along Blackpool Pier, whistling a cheery refrain when a seagull swooped down and pecked me in the unmentionables.

A nearby dog saw this and ambled and sniffed me “downstairs”. Then a monkey, who was eating an ice cream, came over and stuck the cone on me privates.

Finally a rather large Trappist monk leered at me and mimed a spanking motion – I deduced  a form of atonement for my sins.

At no time did my wheelchair bound partner offer to help me fend of these attacks. The monkey let down her tyres and I walked off in a huff with the ice cream cone still plonked on my little stick of Blackpool rock.

Blackpool Council called me this morning to ask when I was going to collect my girlfriend as she was still on the pier and struggling with barnacle build up.

Do you think I should go and collect her or just Fedex her a tyre pump and tell her to get on with it?

Daniel Defoe, Letherhead

Aunty Bill Replies!

Dear Dan

The scenario you describe has all the hallmarks of a sustained sesh on the bong. Seek help (and give me the number of your dealer).

Many years ago I witnessed first hand the damage drugs can do as a similar situation happened to a dear friend of mine (without the appearance of a monkey and wheelchair).

Said friend accompanied me to the city of Hamburg for a football tournament. After running away from an ex mate of the Beatles to avoid buying him a drink (another story for another time), he decided it would be a good idea to team up with a group of Mexicans and partake of a glass of Mescal.

This led to him to “Peyote Pete” and the beginnings of a Mescal Fury.

I myself was a tad messy and in the ensuing imbroglio we lost each other in the crowds of sozzled Mexicans. Some hours later I received a call from a panicked Oily who said he was on a giant gateaux travelling through the Black Forest with no idea how he got there.

It later transpired that he was in fact in a shop doorway near the train station covered in emulsion (Harvest Peach as it turned out, matt from memory).

Let this salutary tale be a warning to you Richard. Just say Nada.

However, If she can wheel herself to the nearest garage she can use the air line for a nominal fee (Jet Garages are free) thus saving you the cost and hassle of Fedexing a pump to her.

Trebles all round!

Aunty Bill

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Hello,

The best way to crack a terrorist?  Veruccas.

Sargent_Stench_Mctavish

I learned to love and cherish my veruccas. Not only were they a food source they also made steadfast companions. Easy to look after and not requiring sustenance apart from a sweaty sock or two, they make the perfect pet for us special forces types.

Terrorists cannot cope with Verucca Boarding. Whenever I whipped out my verucca sock and placed it on the nose of an evil terrorist – Boy oh Boy would that evil terrorist spill the beans.

Even beans he didn’t know about.

Think of it compadre – would YOU like an infestation of these little critters on the end of your conk? Thought not!

The technique was invented by Colonel Jock “McJock” Bollocks who headed up the deep cover Fungal Foot Fighting Force. Jock once took out an Iraqi machine gun nest armed only with a can of Athlete’s Foot spray and a belief in the redemptive qualities of Jesus Christ.

Legend or loon – you decide!

Now in civvy street when I go to the local baths for a swim, I think of all my little verucca chums nestling around the pool’s edge waiting to be called to defend our freedoms.

Thank you  Colonel Bollocks.

 

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Hi Kids,

Smoking Tobacco Is Bad For YOU!

cupboard crackhead copy

 

This applies to Cigarettes, Cigars, Cigarillos and Pipes (but not crack pipes). I would also counsel against smoking petrol, carpets and/or soap.

Do not confuse this with smoking fish. That is an ancient custom which provides a marvellous erm..erm….smokey taste to fish. Do not confuse this with fish that smoke – they have no hands, access to matches/lighters and being water based creatures……..you get my drift.

Just remember you’ve only got one set of lungs, but hundreds and hundreds of veins!

So Kids – SAY NO TO CIGARETTES (BUT YES TO OPIATES!)

Peace and Love

Uncle Crackhead

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There was contrived amazement in the Papers about the Racist (UKIP) Party’s  minor success in fooling morons to vote for them on the basis of ignorance, fear and lies, laced with false bonhomie, a pint of ale and a cigarette. The Party’s leader and chief chap, Nigel “I’m Not Sitting Next To You Darkie” Farage has returned to his cowpat to figure out what to say on tiptoe about the election results for the European Parliament.

Nigel used to work in the City of London as a trader.  He is a chap. He doesn’t like foreigners. Or the poor. Or the educated. Or the tolerant.

 

cowpatfarage copy

“The Bigger The Lie”

As previously reported by Gfb, the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister are a pair of bollocks, whilst the Leader of the Opposition is a dick.

 

They’re In It Together!

These shots were passed to Gfb by Emrie Self-Assembly, who happened across Rupert Murdoch taking off his underpants after a hard day’s undermining the democratic process. Murdoch was heard to say, “How ya doing down there boys? Still wanna fuck with me? Nothing like a shaved scrotum for comfort is there!”

If anyone thinks the Press is giving so much attention to UKIP because of plans to curb a Newspaper’s ability to hack the phone of  murdered children they are naive fools.

Hi! My Name Is Ed Minibellend

It really is a load of bollocks!

Gawd ‘elp us! Nonsense For a Purpose Indeed

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