Posts Tagged ‘Birth’


Gingerfightback can end the speculation. In a few weeks time Princess Kate will soon give birth.


As Royal watcher Lemuel Four-By-Two exclaimed, “This is remarkable news, whilst at the same time slightly disappointing. Kate is so much better, nicer, cleaner and clevererererer than anybody else,  I thought she would have produced at least a planet with a species akin to mankind sitting at the apex of its evolution.  Still can’t have everything. Wanna buy a towel?”

Even nutty Prince Charles thought this was going to happen so he donned a sausage on his royal bonce in order to greet the leader of the Katen peoples.

“Apparently they love a banger, free range and organic naturally,” The Prince told a flunkey.

charles copy

And Queenie herself had adopted the traditional garb of the “Little Green People.”

"Top Of One's Morning To One"

“Top Of One’s Morning To One”

Lavinia Wet-Wipe, National Secretary of Kate Is Great said, “That girl could flog me one of her farts and then light it in front of me. I’d still be delighted. Whatever she does it is brilliant. And if you don’t agree I’ll cut yer knackers off. God Save The Queen!”

What A Glorious Day That Was

God Bless 'em!

Read Full Post »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Gotta Get Me Some Penguin Lovin’!

Dear Aunty Bill

I recently became a Father for the first time. Is it normal for your first born to be a penguin?

Dense Des,

Des Moines, Boing Boing, Idaho, USA

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Des,

One of the side effects of global warming is the migration of animals from their natural habitats leading to situations exactly like yours. Recent cases have included a women from Sale who gave birth to a whale, a young lass from Ware who gave birth to a bear and a lady in red who gave birth to a bed (not really, I made the last one up).

You’ll be asking yourself; how did my wife meet a penguin?

It is likely that in its long migration from colder climes, little Pingu got lost, swam up your soil stack and bit your wife on the bottom as she was performing her daily ablutions.

This is how Penguins procreate and it is likely that he mistook your wife’s rear end for a mate.

Penguins make a great addition to any family.  Their staple diet is sardines on toast so they are cheap and easy to feed. Just make sure that the bath water is not too hot when you put him to bed.

Don’t blame your wife and accept your new addition as one of your own. Bottle feed rather than breast.

All The Best
Aunty Bill

Read Full Post »