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Posts Tagged ‘Beauty Treatments’

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Hello Oily,

Several weeks ago I went to a health spa and had the nose spore cleansing that uses Siamese cat spittle as the cleansing agent. My nose has never been so shiny!

However since then I am becoming increasingly feline in my daily activities. Nocturnal, urinating over furniture, munching on mice and not really giving a shit. I have also developed a taste for licking my bottom in front of the TV.

My man has put a bell around my neck.

Do you think I should ask for my money back?

Tiddles, Avondale

Oily Replies;

Tiddles

This problem screams to me of someone who ain’t getting any.

Not surprising if you have allowed your pink canoe to go unused. My lady loveboy is always kept well manicured. In fact I insist on helping in this task myself using my own personal bag of tricks to aid him. I will send you one of these Lovebags on receipt of £ 39.99 plus p&p and a DVD of you and your girlfriend at the masseurs all hot and lithesome and……

Ahem oops..sorry I got sidetracked. Slightly. God is it hot and clammy in here or is it just me?

Anyway poppet the important thing is that once that lawn has been mowed and your punanny pavement has been pounded, the world will seem a much better place.

Have a saucer of milk to get you in the mood…..

Oily

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Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.

PHEW! What a day!

Ki Bo-Bae from Korea won gold in the women’s individual archery final by defeating Mexico’s Aida Roman in a sudden death shoot out.

She got her in the head.

Who’d have thought that Archery was so brutal? Still, it  made for great television and a Priest was on hand to administer last rights and hang the silver around the prone Roman’s neck.

A Chinese man won the Table Tennis. There’s a surprise. Listened to it on the radio. Doesn’t lend itself to radio does Table Tennis.

Finally, well done to our brave lads in their canoes! As the country that discovered water in 1967 this is only right.

A couple of sports for you to look out for today.

1. Donkey Dangling – First popularised is Ancient Babylon. Ask yourself this question. How long can you dangle from a donkey? When I tell you the Mohammed Algreen from Egypt can dangle for twenty-three days without food, water or “natural break” you will realise  this sport combines, endurance, pointlessness and chafing in equal measure.

Algreen is the favourite. Team GB’s hopes rest with titchy Welshman Dai Do-Rail.

2. Toe Nail Triathlon – A true test of clippage skills this one. The triathlon covers;

Speed clipping (with no trailing cuticle).

The distance clip (marvel at the wrist action).

The reverse toe buff and varnish ((colour optional).

The Philipines have dominated this event for years. Sadly Team GB’s entrant Rupert Peveral has had to withdraw due to a nasty fungal infection around his left big toe.

Enjoy The Games!

Sooty

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