Posts Tagged ‘Beauty Products’

Oily George’s latest erotic masterpiece has been described by crticis as a clear satire on the youth obsessed Western culture.  “Hand Shandy III” will be available soon. The perfect Easter gift.

Hope the following advice helps!

Hello Oily

You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?

Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin

Why heeelllooooo Sheena,

Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.

How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and fellow Texan Oil Spill, Michael Winner.

The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That market that I cater for. I doff my fedora to the slotheful one


Hello Oily

There is a squeak on my wardrobe door. Every time I open the door my pet Budgie goes into a catatonic state.

I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.

Will you pop in and see me to use your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers to quieten the darn door and give my Budgie the peace she craves and deserves?

Ariadne, Ullapool

Hello Ariadne

Lordy this is my lucky week! Such beautiful women all in need of my attentions! Of course I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door. I will bring my vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. That should do the trick. Whilst there maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions. Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.


Ello Hoily,

Can you help? I am doing a crossword and I am stuck on 6 across.

The clue is “Things we chew our food with located in our mouths.” It has 5 letters and so far I have TE_TH – I am stumped. Any ideas?

Slow Dave, Hull


The word I’m thinking of is tongue. It may not fit the crossword but I find it can fit just about anywhere else. Once you discover this fact for yourself your crossword will be totally redundant. Enjoy.


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Hello Folks – we are pleased to announce that our lifestyle guru and expert on all things personal, Oily George has taken the time out of his busy filming schedule in the sunny uplands of the LA porn world (he is curently working on an erotic version of The Bridges of Madison County)  to provide some more useful tips about everyday beauty issues.

We hope you find them useful. We do!

Footsore and Unsure!

Hello Oily

What guarantee is there that if I have a pedicure my ped will get better?

Sheila Kneeler, Daventry

Oily Replies,

Sorry Sheila but peds are incurable. I had 5 of them growing all at once in my bedroom. Tried to remove them using a wire brush and some extra truculent oil – which funnily enough I always have plenty to hand. Or foot.I once found one particularly lairy ped – think Ray Winston with a yeast infection…. lying on the outer edge of my festering mind. Caught it and par boiled it with an extra dollop of existentialism. With a nice bottle of Chianti, Mmmmm very tasty.

Oh dear, reading back on this answer to your problem I feel I may have been baking by my pool in the sun waaaaay too long. But I hope it helps. If it doesn’t, just drink heavily. Peds dislike alcohol, it makes them exfoliate.

Regards Oily

Facing The Sack!

Hello Oily

I look after myself, don’t smoke, drink or abuse substances. I run, workout and have a winning smile due to recent dental surgery. My mum thinks I am a bit of a catch. My only problem is a sagging scrotum. It knocks around my knees and when I run they swing to such an extent that people liken me to a Pampas Gaucho swinging his Bolo around. Do you think Botox on my Bollox will help?

Swinging Les, Bristol

Oily Replies,

Les your problem is what exactly? As I often say to complete strangers that I accost in coffee shops here in the Sunshine State……you have to work with what Beelzebub gave you.

I too have big lumpen shapeless bollox. But am proud of them and like to air them at every opportunity.

Unfortunately the judge didn’t quite share my viewpoint and has given me 90 days incarceration. Mind you having a fun time here, never been more popular, especially with my roomie Leatherface Lance. Not a moments rest I tell ya and so much new material for my movies!

Best Wishes


Trees Company!

Please Help Oily

I have recently discovered that I am largely made of wood (Ash and Elm since you ask). Have you any tips for a skin care regime? I have tried Nivea and the stuff that bird from Friends used to advertise (‘cos I am worth it!) But they just down soak in very well. Any ideas?

Linda Barker, Manningtree

Oily Replies


In the Not-In-Front-Of-The-Children market that I cater for – a lot of the actors are, like yourself, made entirely of wood. For my male leads such as Gary Cuprinol, star of such western classics as ‘Git off Your Horse cos I wanna **** it’ and ‘Doc Holliday’s Horny Holster’ this is of course a blessing as it means they are at all times ‘primed’. However woodiness is not so desirable for my leading ladies. Therefore to lessen their stiffness,loosen them up a little, I get my pet poodle Chow Mein to pee into a bowl, mix it with some Blue Oyster Cult and I then Administer the resultant paste all over said actress. Yes readers, you delicate flowers , I apply it in every nook and cranny. It is a task I insist on doing myself as I am after all, a muse to these girls. The result: they lose their wood, transferring it to me! Happiness all round

Anyway Linda I hope this has helped. By the way I always got a real sense of arousal when you were on Changing Rooms. Still fit? Any chance of a pic for my collection? Want me to apply the paste personally? Come and see me in another 30 days or so. I should be out of the clink by then. Assuming Lance unties me. Wonder if he’ll let me keep this gimp outfit…

Best wishes


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It is always nice to see a man who takes pride in his appearance. My fellow passenger handled the worn Pumice stone with delicacy and no little dexterity. The exfoliation of his feet began on the outskirts of Swindon.

Rubbed Nirvana was achieved as we rolled into Reading.

He admired his handiwork as far as Slough and then refitted the black knee length socks which had been so carefully removed twenty five minutes earlier. The socks clamped with elastic elation around his hairy calves.

His shoes needed a polish. But I didn’t feel in a position to tell him.

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