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Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill,

I was recently ran over by a steam roller.  I am now eighteen feet tall, twelve feet wide yet only one inch deep.

My girlfriend Jackie has left me on account of my billowing.  I can only find work as a  sail.

Whilst being a sail has its plus points (most notably if I have any wet clothes on they dry very quickly) I doubt if I will find love again. Can you help?

Pedro Garcia, Gateshead

Aunty Bill Replies;

Pedro!

Sorry to hear of your mishap. I see several career opportunities have come your way although you probably don’t see them (from that height I’m not surprised).

I’ll list them for you :

The guy who slides down drains to retreive stuff that people have dropped down them accidently (I don’t actually know anybody who does this but it is an option).

At eighteen foot tall you’d be a shoe-in for any basketball team.  They’d pay whatever it took to get you on their books. Netball is worth a butcher’s too!

Changing street light bulbs for the Council. They’d save on expensive machinery and you get to wear Hi-Vis!

A portable garage door. At twelve feet wide you’d get to guard the cars at some pretty impressive houses, twelve feet being double the size of the usual door.

And you could rest your legs while sitting on the roof of the garage!

A sail on a pedillo. Just imagine – “Pedros Pedillos!”

Sail on!

Aunty Bill

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