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Posts Tagged ‘Asda’

We hope you are as amazed as we are at the previous lives of Agnes!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where I will be 5 minutes) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale. One of the big ones.

I know this because I am partial to Plankton and always shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Vermeer_The_Girl_With_The_Pearl_Earring_(1665) copy

Hello Aunty;

Where I come from, a woman selects her life partner by slapping him/her with a wet haddock. Sadly, due to Climate Change, warming oceans and over fishing, the wet haddock shoal has all but disappeared.

The only thing I can lay my hands on now is a 15 lb lump hammer and am worried that the man I have chosen for the rest of my life, known locally as Ted The Runt, may not withstand the tap of love.

Any tips?

Big Elsie, Stockport

Dear Elsie;

Stop! In the name of love!

Before approaching Ted with the lump hammer (although it sounds like he’s not adverse to a smack on the chops with a heavy implement) have you considered the alternatives?

Haddock does seem to have had its chips but there are a wealth of bottom feeders out there that will adequately do the job. Cheap, ugly and prone to instant decay if not used promptly (bit like Ted’s gnashers I hear) they would make any man fall gratefully onto your ample, heaving bosom (if not shove a couple of pickled eggs up your blouse, goes well with the fish).

Alternatively if you’re having trouble sourcing bottom feeders, a family sized bag of Asdas frozen whole tail scampi should suffice. Cheap and if swung with sufficient force it will have a similar effect to a 15lb hammer.

How about adding a few jars of tartar sauce to the bag for extra effect?

Tartar for now!

Aunty

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