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Posts Tagged ‘Animals’

Aunty Bill,

I have been going out with a tortoise for a couple of weeks now. She is lovely and really enjoys gangsta rap, as do I.

I called round to see her last night and her mum said she couldn’t come out as she was hibernating in a shoe box stuffed with straw for the next four months.

What shall I do Aunty Bill? I am bereft without her and had bought tickets for the upcoming W’anka B’igwilly Gayreally concert.

Brandon, Utah

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Brandon,

One of the drawbacks of dating household pets, particularly a toothless land reptile with a soft body encased in a dome shaped shell (with the addition of clawed limbs) is that you have to adopt the softly softly catchee tortoise approach.

No good rushing things here pal. The best you can hope for is three to four months company from your new girl as its box time for the rest of the year, chowing down on lettuce and sleeping.

Nice idea with the tickets there Brandon (have you heard Fab Five Freddy & the Fuckwits latest? It’s sick, as the the youngsters say here on the wing). Hope you realise its going to take a long time to get there.

If the gig is in July I’d set off today.

Have you considered a Terrapin? You get to go swimming a lot. They are much smaller and more mobile. And they don’t eat lettuce.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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This goat is happy – no kidding!

goat

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Hello,

As you know Gfb prides itself on making stories up.

Well, for a change here is a true story about a likkle ikkle Baby Seal you may have heard of. We’ve christened him Sam. Sam is having a tough time of it.

seal2

You see Sam the pup is ginger and has been abandoned by his mum, who we will call Cecilia. Admittedly he’s no oil painting and in all honesty scares the bejesus out of us but the poor little mite deserves better.

Seal3

Born with rare brownish-red fur and almost completely blind he was rescued from a beach on an island off Russia, the name of which we have trouble spelling.  The pup’s colour is the result of an accumulation of iron in its fur.

seal

“He was hiding and waiting for his mother to come and feed him,” Said the nice man who found him and took him to a dolphinarium where he is being cared for.

On a brighter note, here are some Ginger Sheep.

ginger sheep

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Somebody asked to see the ginger Sphinx image again – happy to oblige!

 

Wonder what it makes of it all?

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody asked to see the ginger Al Jolson image again – as always happy to oblige!

jolson

Somebody asked to see the cute Polar Bear image again – as always happy to oblige!

polarbear

Somebody asked to see the Shane McGowan dancing in Riverdance image again – as always happy to oblige!

  Somebody asked to see the Gibbon playing a banjo image again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see the Saturday Night Fever Disco Chicken again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see Ali with a chicken on his head again – as always happy to oblige!

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

Somebody has asked to see the Einstein with a Col Au Vent Image again – as always happy to oblige! That's Why Physicists Shop At Iceland Somebody has asked to see Nelson Mandela with a walnut whip on his head again – as always happy to oblige! Lovely Someboday has asked to see the David Niven With A Wagon Wheel On His Head Image again – as always happy to oblige!

A Sad End To A Great Career

A Sad End To A Great Career

Somebody has asked to see the Leonardo Da Vinci wearing a yorkshire pudding on his head image again – as always happy to oblige!

The Da Vinci - A Batter Design

The Da Vinci – A Batter Design

Somebody has asked to see the Steve McQueen Great Escape image again – as always happy to oblige !

MCQUEEN

Chinstrap!

Last week somebody asked to see Picasso smoking his fishfingers……What a strange world we live in.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

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Somebody asked to see the ginger Al Jolson image again – as always happy to oblige!

jolson

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody asked to see the cute Polar Bear image again – as always happy to oblige!

polarbear

Somebody asked to see the Shane McGowan dancing in Riverdance image again – as always happy to oblige!

  Somebody asked to see the Gibbon playing a banjo image again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see the Saturday Night Fever Disco Chicken again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see Ali with a chicken on his head again – as always happy to oblige!

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

Somebody has asked to see the Einstein with a Col Au Vent Image again – as always happy to oblige! That's Why Physicists Shop At Iceland Somebody has asked to see Nelson Mandela with a walnut whip on his head again – as always happy to oblige! Lovely Someboday has asked to see the David Niven With A Wagon Wheel On His Head Image again – as always happy to oblige!

A Sad End To A Great Career

A Sad End To A Great Career

Somebody has asked to see the Leonardo Da Vinci wearing a yorkshire pudding on his head image again – as always happy to oblige!

The Da Vinci - A Batter Design

The Da Vinci – A Batter Design

Somebody has asked to see the Steve McQueen Great Escape image again – as always happy to oblige !

MCQUEEN

Chinstrap!

Last week somebody asked to see Picasso smoking his fishfingers……What a strange world we live in.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

Read Full Post »

Somebody asked to see the cute Polar Bear image again – as always happy to oblige!

polarbear

Somebody asked to see the Shane McGowan dancing in Riverdance image again – as always happy to oblige!

  Somebody asked to see the Gibbon playing a banjo image again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see the Saturday Night Fever Disco Chicken again – as always happy to oblige! Somebody asked to see Ali with a chicken on his head again – as always happy to oblige!

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

He Was Forty Years Ahead Of His Time

Somebody has asked to see the Einstein with a Col Au Vent Image again – as always happy to oblige! That's Why Physicists Shop At Iceland Somebody has asked to see Nelson Mandela with a walnut whip on his head again – as always happy to oblige! Lovely Someboday has asked to see the David Niven With A Wagon Wheel On His Head Image again – as always happy to oblige!

A Sad End To A Great Career

A Sad End To A Great Career

Somebody has asked to see the Leonardo Da Vinci wearing a yorkshire pudding on his head image again – as always happy to oblige!

The Da Vinci - A Batter Design

The Da Vinci – A Batter Design

Somebody has asked to see the Steve McQueen Great Escape image again – as always happy to oblige !

MCQUEEN

Chinstrap!

Last week somebody asked to see Picasso smoking his fishfingers……What a strange world we live in.

By The End He Was On 20 A Day

During His Fish Period

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Beneath the waves a KILLER LURKS!

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Thanks to Andra Watkins for letting Gfb have sight of this picture. Andra’s stories on her site http://andrawatkins.com/ are simply the best thing you will read this side of Christmas, so please pay her a visit.

The spread of Gingers into the animal kingdom is a most welcome development. David Attenborough is working on “The Ginger Planet” as I write.

This very rare sighting of the Titchy Tibetan “Gingerus Nelliephantus Big Hooter” is something to behold and to enjoy.

Now That’s What I Call A Syrup

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I was looking forward to the weekend trip to Scotland and catching up with my brother and his wife. It had been a difficult few weeks since my wife had left me for the Cobbler. I should have realised something was going on. Her complaint of ongoing heel defects with the stilettos were not really plausible. But at least I would never run short of front door keys.

“Is this seat free?”

A middle aged man appeared in front of me. In his left hand he was carrying a polyurethane sports bag with Adidas emblazoned upon it. In his right hand he held a sturdy carrier bag.

I mumbled that it was. He placed the bags on the table. I looked at the carrier bag, a durable plastic design with reinforced handles. I possessed a number of them, although my bags bore the logo of a slightly more upmarket company.

The head of an Owl appeared from the bag’s opening. Tawny by its markings. I wondered if Asda were doing a promotion on endangered birds of prey. Then it dawned on me. The Owl was dead. Stuffed too.

“Make yourself comfortable Clive, it is a long way to Dunbar,” the man said to the Owl.

Twit Twoo, Twit Twoo I thought to myself.

“Would you mind keeping an eye on Clive for me?” The man asked. I nodded.

“He won’t bite will he?!” I said waggishly.

“He’s dead.” The man replied drily.

He walked towards the buffet car. The Owl stared at me from the opening of the lifetime carrier. Upon closer inspection I noticed that its eyes were different colours. I concluded that the taxidermist was a cheapskate. Or colour blind. And a fellow with a limited sense of humour.

A passenger walked past and stared at the Owl. “I like Owls. I’ll give you thirty quid for him.” I explained the Owl’s circumstances. The man shrugged his shoulders and walked on.

The Owl’s owner returned and nodded his thanks. He was carrying a coffee and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps. The same brand as mine, which I had bought at great expense from The Pumpkin outlet at Temple Meads.

He unzipped the Adidas bag and retrieved a stoat, at least I think it was a stoat. The small mammal was grasping a small log mounted on a plinth. A brass nameplate was screwed into the plinth. It read “Bessy – a true friend.”

Half a pound of tuppeny rice,  I thought to myself.

The man began to groom the stoat, whistling as he did so. A large middle aged woman stopped and asked him, “Do you know if they have any Cheese and Onion crisps left in the Buffet?”

“Plenty.” The man replied.

“Good.” The woman tottered toward the Buffet.

“Bloody expensive though,” the man said.

“Too true. I bought mine at Temple Meads. £1.20! Outrageous!”

We finished our crisps, relaxing in each other’s company. The Stoat was placed on the table staring out at the passing countryside. When alive she was very inquisitive apparently.

Pop! goes the weasel, I thought to myself.

The Owl remained housed in the carrier bag. It continued to stare at me.

“Got Some!” The fat woman said holding a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps up for us to see.

“Ridiculously expensive though?” We both agreed.

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As a result of the interest shown in the recent story of Banjo Gibbon (TRAIN TRAVEL TALES 8 BANJO GIBBON if you want to look it up! ) Gfb is happy to provide more intimate pictures of Gibbons relaxing with their favourite stringed instrument.

Gibbon Townsend – Ooh Ooh Are You?

Dylan Gibbon – “Swingin’ In The Wind”

This troop who live in the tropical forests of Java, have had the ability to twang passed down for over 125 years now.

It was the American Baptist Missionary Obadiah Melordy in his zeal to convert the peoples of the Bangpang peninsula to all things Godly who inadvertently discovered their talent.

His diary (published posthumously in 1907) recounts the extraordinary events;

March 23rd 1887

“There is still no sign of my banjo, taken two days hence from outside the tent whilst Mrs Melordy and I succumbed to the steamy surroundings in a rigorous bought of intercourse both sexual and social. My lovely wife had sought to reassure me that my instrument (which in an act of wanton sentimentality I had named Jefferson) would be returned with an immediacy that would allow us to draw a veil over this unfortunate act of larceny and Godlessness amongst the peoples of the peninsula.

Up to this point the natives had shown a typically witless savage charm when faced with superior Godly white folk. At approximately noon today however, they appeared restless and in a state of high dudgeon. Mrs Melordy attaching her seventh undergarment, advised me to draw back the flaps of the tent.

And lo! A sound, the like of which neither I nor my wife would ever have considered and Scripture had never prepared us for, swam around us. Banjos being played like a whispered lullaby.

“Mr Melordy! Jefferson is being strummed!” my wife declared, “I believe I can hear another. Now another! Now a fourth! Look up yonder in the lee of the great tree!”

My dutiful wife, so long a bastion of petticoated virtue fainted. I cast my gaze toward the direction of the sound expecting to see natives playing some simple, godless tune upon Jefferson.

Instead I saw a troop of Western Hoolock Gibbons, idly swinging in the trees strumming banjos, each with a practiced ease that took me back to the front porch of my Father’s stead in Kansas.

Within the notation I could hear the harmonies of a favourite Christmas Carol “Away in a Manger” sung by our small, but spiritually engaged community only three months previous to celebrate Our Lord’s birth. Truly a miracle.”

March 24th 1887

“It would appear from Nincompoop, our one eyed guide and valet that a startling event has unfolded. I had asked him to retrieve Jefferson from the light fingered Gibbons and in his innocent savage way he had set off at dawn eager to please me (They are such a happy people when guided by God’s word!)

He returned only to bid Mrs Melordy and I to follow him. With trepidation we followed. Only the sound of my beloved’s petticoats rustling under my tunic could be heard. Mrs Melordy fainted due to the Christian application of a whalebone corset.

We left a guide with her and moved on.

Nincompoop and I crept forward. Closer to the troop. We were greeted by a sight of such perspicacity and dexterity that I too nearly swooned. For in a clearing sat the large troop of Gibbons with the adults strumming Banjos.

A large male was threading a recently made instrument with steel wire, presumably stolen from our provisions. Around him were strewn several roughly made tools.

We watched. Amazed. Nincompoop produced an ancient revolver (a trophy from the earlier Wesleyite missionary St John Tabard of Sevenoaks, England, whose end has never been fully explained) and took a bawdy aim at the large male. I placed a hand on his shoulder and intimated that we back away and leave the troop to strum in peace.

March 25th 1887

I am pleased to say Mrs Melordy has fully recovered from her fainting fit and we had just completed another rigorous bought of intercourse, both sexual and social, when the Gibbons’ Banjos struck up once more.

This time they played a Waltz! Seized, I am ashamed to say by the Godless desire to dance, Mrs Melordy and I reeled for several minutes as we used to in our courting days before sadly she succumbed to the heat and fainted once more.

I am no longer convinced about the efficacy of Whalebone corsets and have vowed not to wear women’s under garments in the tropics.

As I awaited her revival I studied scripture. There was nothing I could find that  explain how Gibbons, low savage beasts as they are, could construct and play Banjo’s in such a delightful manner. I am perplexed.”

So are we Mr Melordy, so are we!

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