Banjo Sanchez’s Christmas – By Mike Crawshaw

We hope to hear more from Banjo Sanchez in the New Year. ……….

“Merry Christmas blah, blah…..chutney & stuffing and tits on a tree,

S and M garments, ah something for me.

Those pink rubber dildos look mighty fine,

Stuck on the mantel, architectural sign.

It’s Christmas and Banjo is ready to go.

With some prescription speed and a large bag of blow.

A bottle of Brandy, who’s singing? Paloma?

As Banjo Sanchez slips into a coma.”

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Ginger Cooking – With Fanny Redcrack

Fanny By Gaslight

Hello Folks

After a spell in the Betty Turnip Clinic, for some well deserved “rest”, Gfb is pleased to announce that Fanny is Fightin’ Fit and ready to offer some more cooking tips.

Dear Fanny,

I’m throwing a bit of do to raise a few quid for a liver transplant for my Auntie Nelly, or “Yellow Nel” as she’s known to those that love her. But to be honest, there’s not that many who do.

Any idea for nibbles on arrival?

Tendai Nikamaru Madada,

Notts

Dear Tendai,

Have you considered donating one of your own livers? You can live quite comfortably with only one you know. Fortunately, I sustain a healthy lifestyle in conjunction with an enormous alcohol intake and have lived happily without a functioning liver for a couple of decades now.

Doctors! who needs ’em! And I think you’ll agree that I look good for a 38 year old.

Now back to your question dear boy.

You will amaze your guests on arrival with Bloody Mary Lollipops.

Ingredients:

24 cherry tomatoes

Half a pint of vodka

Worcestestestestshire sauce/ Tabasco sauce

Celery sticks

Sea Salt

Cocktail sticks

Method:

Prick the cherry tomatoes all over with a cocktail stick and leave to soak in a mix of vodka/worcestestestestshire and tabasco sauce for 6 hours.

The tomatoes will soak up all of the liquor.

Cut the celery into 2 inch sticks and shave one end into a point.

Pierce each tomato with a celery spear and stick into a small cube of sharp cheddar.

Finish with a sprinkle of coarse sea salt and serve.

Cheers,

Yellow Nel!

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Ginger Beauty With Oily George

Oils well the ends well

Dear Oily,

I have had 48 facelifts in the last 4 years. However, the last time I flew long distance the skin on my face melted into my Martini. I was rather shaken by it whilst my husband was a little stirred.

How do I stop this happening the next time?

Martha, Vineyard

Oily Replies

Martha,

Did you fly Aer Fungus by chance? This happened to me recently.

It is an allergic reaction to the eye wateringly malodorous scents their Trolley Dollies wear. Luckily for me my actual skin didn’t melt off,  just the layers of oil that I produce, which fortunately acted as a protective buffer.

A sort of condom for the face, if you will.

At first the airline were extremely annoyed at the gloopy residue I left behind and were going to sue me.

That was before they realised that my natural unguents could fuel cars. And make a nifty salad dressing.

Now we are in partnership making money hand over fist. I fly first class with them for free (but don’t touch their salads). Everyone is happy!

Well except you sadly. But as the Loaf himself once warbled “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad!”

 Oily

 

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