Posts Tagged ‘Aging’

Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.


Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.


1 large spliff


Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.


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